Embrace and Surrender

Birthdays, holidays, milestones such as these are sometimes a little bit bumpy for some people and i guess i'm one of those people. As much as i love the celebrations there is tension and emotion and, in the past years for me, perhaps too much inward focus. Baaaaad habit, that! When there is too much inward focus there is the pitfall of living without optimism. Another bad habit. i think it's the ego talking tho, that "all about me", and that is what i'm trying to shed so i got over it pretty quickly, thankfully, by remembering that i am here to serve and not to be served... i'm not talking about a hard clit experience here... talking about giving up the ego in order to live in the midst of life rather than looking on from "above". It's about living in the moment and treasuring. And seeing that the others are here on this earth to do the same.

My dad has had one of those illnesses that last for years and gradually, oh so slowly, takes one's life. We are looking at his last weeks or days now and how honored i am to be walking with him on this journey. What a sweet man he is. So peaceful and so gentle.

i had a comment on the last post ... isn't it great to get feedback that causes one to think some more.... about the soul mate coming when we stop working it so hard. Agree. Again it is a matter of letting that piece find us as we embrace what we have going right now. Being observant, watchful, thoughtful, but not controlling. Just submitting.

Something Goin' On Here

Today is my birthday. I am almost officially in my mid fifties.

And one thing i can say about myself is that i don't always see the obvious as i walk the path. i construct my own reality and eventually it disappears as tho made of sand that filters through the fingers. i offer up this song for the season, and credit CSN&Y. Perhaps the light of this new day will show me a new way.

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a long time gone.

Appears to be a long time,
Yes, a long, long, long time
Before the dawn.

Turn, turn any corner.
Hear, you must hear what the people say,
You know there's something that's goin' on here,
That surely, surely, surely won't stand the light of day.

And it appears to be a long,Such a long, long, long time before the dawn.

It's been a long time comin',
It's been a long time gone.
But you know the darkest hour,
Is always just before the dawn.

And it appears to be a long time,
Such a long, long, long time before the dawn.

Obey the Cock

my nipple is so stiff. i'm on my back in my white bed and the palm of my hand rests along the side of my breast while i circle that long, stiff nub with my middle finger. It's so hard, so elongated. And as i focus on how hard and swollen it it, the other nipple hardens as if to keep up. i drag the finger down the side of my body to my pussy and feel the soft week-long growth of hair and shiver as i think of you.

i've been thinking about how badly i want to please you and torment you just as you torment me. About how i crave you. You've created an ache in me that, at times, overwhelms all other thought and feeling.

i think about how you tied my hands above my head and further tied them to the hook fastened in the wooden rafter overhead and how you made sure that i had to remain up on my toes.... easier for you to get me to move in response to your deliciously torturous touches, you've told me.

When we are together my senses are attuned to your every move, your every breath, your every word.... my mind races as it tries to anticipate you so that i can try to tease you back just as you tease me. You are near me now, your voice at my ear sending shivers down your slut's body, your slut i am, god how i love belonging to you ....and my mouth is open because my breathing comes so hard and ragged. You are so close to me and i need you more, i need to taste you and i turn my head just enough. You must feel my breath on your neck now, Master, and i bite your earlobe -- hard -- hard enough to make your breathing stutter and i don't let go until i hear your low chuckle. "girl", you say, "My girl". i release my grip on you but you linger just a few seconds and i taste the salt of your skin as my tongue laps down along your jawline and i feel your pulse under my lips at the base of your neck.

This dance of ours has gone on for an hour or more, this tease, this mutual seduction. You drive me to the very edge of want as i tease back.

Silence now as you pull away. Breathing in, breathing out, seconds passing, minutes gone by.

i feel you close again now. Your cock is hard. i can feel it pushing its way between my ass cheeks. You've bent me at the waist just a little and your cock is between my legs now pushing in and i feel you pulling it out along my slippery pussy lips and the pushing it back, pulling it out, pushing it back.

You've trained me to see your cock when my eyes close and in my dark place i see it in front of me. I must, must open my mouth to accept the cock but at the same time i feel you fucking my slippery slit. Your cock, how i crave it. Your fingers violently fuck my mouth while you pull my head back by the hair.

"What is it that you need, girl", you say.

Your cock.

"Yes, my cock. What do you crave, my girl?"

Your cock.

"Whose slut are you?"

Yours, Sir.

"What do you obey, girl?"

Your cock.

"What do you want girl?"

Cock, Master.

"Whose cock?"

Master's cock, please, please Master may i have Your cock.

Your hand twists my hair even tighter and i choke on the saliva that has accumulated in my mouth and is dripping down my tits and onto the floor. You move in front of me while releasing my hands from the hook overhead. Disoriented i fall to my knees in front of you and you take me.... using my mouth. And i obey the cock.

SUGASM #150

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slut to the Mailbox ..... This Morning's Task as Accomplished

i stood next to the mail box, envelope in hand. It had been with me for a long while now as a physical reminder of my service to Master and i didn't really want to let it go. In it was the cunt smeared lipstick blotted tissue that Master had me make for Him one night weeks ago. The Domme looked on as i worked to please Master by outlining my dark pink cunt lips in red lipstick to match the full red lips of my mouth. It was a method of seducing the Domme; the seduction of Her was His goal and by His use of me i became part of His plan.

And now this pussy scented tissue had become part of a plan to continue the seduction of another.... this time, a young, sensuous submissive girl. "My girl" He said to me, "Where is your special envelope? I want you to show this young girl what a slut you are. There it is, thank you, My girl."

In my hand that night was this same mossy green envelope made of beautiful slightly textured paper that had withstood the countless openings as i would look inside it again and again to see what i had made for Master and i kept it and i looked at it and held it because the act of making it had pleased Him so.

This passion, this craving to know that i continue to have meaning to Master, that i continue to have a purpose, that i continue to be a girl He chooses to use drives me to a state of craving that is barely understandable to me. i hate it and i lust after it and i love it and i crave it as a need. What is there to do but to keep coming back, keep coming back until the day comes when He tells me to go.

So i took the red smeared musky scented tissue out to show the little slut and i saw her responding in the way that sluts do when the lust wave radiates through a cunt's pussy. "Now you will mail that to her tomorrow, girl, and freshen it up for her, too, won't you?"

As Master and i talked this morning His voice and my craving need of Him made me wetter and wetter and i wiped the folded tissue again and again around the opening of my slippery cunt. Master told me what to write on my note paper, you know, the message and the gift was from Him, not from me, and all the while i wondered if the little slut would think the blue edge around the mossy green was pretty because it's the color of her eyes.

Addressed, stamped and sealed i stood on the sidewalk in front of the post office making a decision as to whether i should go inside and drop it in the slot there? Or just drop it in the sidewalk box. i turned it over in my hand. The sealed edge was a bit crumpled. Well sealed but crumpled and i raised the envelope to my face so i could smell myself on it one more time. i felt the roughness of the seal as my thumb traced along the V shaped flap. And my pussy throbs even now knowing that the envelope was not sealed by my wet tongue but by wet, wanton slutty cunt lips.

The sidewalk box received Master's note card because that was my choice to make. i didn't want to know that the postal workers i have come to know inside would be handling my pussy juices. But if Master had told me to hand it to the worker behind the counter, i would have.

xoxo

Your girl, mission accomplished

And now it's about 24 hours later. i have realized, yet again, that my purpose is in serving Him, not the other way around. But the reward comes around.

i hate the passion --not sexual passion i speak of here, it is the passion that makes me hurt so much when i feel (... insert self centered word here, pick one ....) because i have forgotten that i'm His in the way He chooses .... UGH what a baby i am, godDAMmit ... because that is my ego speaking. That is me wanting to drive. That is the "old me" or even the "cultural me, vanilla me" speaking. But then i really don't hate it or hate my submissiveness at all when i listen to the servant heart inside of me and accept her. i just hate how i react. Thus, formation.

For example, it is very unlikely that Master will even read this. He rarely does read what i write and if He does, He certainly doesn't read my stuff when i want Him to (will i EVER get this??). Yet, that is also what drives my need to serve Him because His ownership of me fits so well with my need to be owned. He is stronger than i am and i have never found a chink in that strength, as hard as i try, i cannot. There is no negotiation. i chose to be His and choose again and again. Sometimes it hurts when i forget my place and there are days of struggle ahead getting set right again. But it is my choice to be with Master as long as He will have me.

i also realized this today as i was going about the service in my household and that is this... i am not merely a quickie seduction object for Him. Those come a dime a dozen. What i hope i am, and what i can only surmize that i am to Him is that i am just simply there for Him. To meet any need He desires.

Enough for one day.

Ready

i'm ready to come back.

The new baseline is from a place that does not necessarily involve erotica, or sex, or titillation.

This new baseline is from a place of service for the sake of service. Deep and effortless servitude, working at being an example of self-discipline, recognizing my status as that of a girl who places others before me. Developing a will to obey is my hope and that out of this humility my level of obedience will grow and grow.

---- first becoming nothing, and then becoming all ----

It is my hope that, in my strength and in my work, this will be accomplished.

Place

Master says i don't know my place.

He's right.

I've lost it.

Why and when did that happen?

Was it because He didn't tend the garden or because i didn't?

Decending Again

i'm not exactly sure what is happening. Or maybe i do. At the simplest, i am just simply tired of this. Tired of the online silliness of the shallow praise given by horny net geeks. ooooo crys, nice chest, ooooo crys, wow wow, ooooo crys i watch you all the time, oooooo crys,.,.... whatever they think will work to get boobs flashed or cunt spread. What a load of shit.

Wanting to do a good job at something for real praise but not having anything to do ..... oh wait .... oh yes, the showing up and sitting with a plastic smile on my face if the real heart isn't in it, best use the plastic smile.... looking like a fucking senior picture from the yearbook while laughing at the appropriate times and being witty and FUN FUN. Can't forget FUN. i am so sick of this. So sick of the shallowness of it all. The temporary nature of it just sucks because it holds so little of any worth. It's all in the head. All in the mind. Pretend.

And what i want is it to matter.

Closing Up Shop -- Going on "Holiday"

I'll be closing up shop soon. I've been on a "permissions only" status for a couple of days now. It was very touching to hear that people actually read this blog and even more touching to know that some have wondered why my blog went to password only. Short answer? I'm going on holiday meaning I'm just ready to take a break. I'll be the only one to have permission because I'm not ready to delete all this stuff but don't want to share it anymore either.

I have decided to stop blogging for a while as it's become like a tail attempting to wag me ;). I tend to start thinking about numbers and when they climb my ego comes in and then I want to write things to get even more readers. That can't be why I write. I'm not really sure why I write but I am sure that writing for numbers is not the best path for me. I have no less than four posts in draft form, all "Dear Master" types of entries that are pretty much blubbering bullshit to anyone but me. So in draft they will stay because the healing came in the writing, not in the sharing.

It does not feel good to me knowing that strangers are "getting off" on my stuff.... it used to charge me but now it just makes me feel yucky. I find that I can express just as well or better by writing personal e-mails to Master and that works best because I need to know that someone I care about hears me.

I've even toyed with the idea of posting erotic or even pornographic photos here and, really, the only reason would be to get attention. For me, it is attention that does me no good. Sex blogs, lifestyle blogs, pictures taken to entice a reaction or to get people to look and comment and masturbate over is a culture that is just not comfortable for me to read or to create.

Things are alright, though.... I'm mainly just really trying to figure out how to live as a submissive in a vanilla life without crossing the line.

It is Strength or Weakness, Health or Sickness?

A dear friend and i were at dinner one night this week. We do this about once a month and at some point during our dinners the talk always turns to our relationships. Usually we talk about sex, too, and i have shared with her about what she calls my "special needs" sexually.... BDSM. She understands bedroom and/or BDSM play but doesn't understand D/s.

We both spent many, many years married to verbally and emotionally abusive men as we raised our children. Each of us left those men with thoughts of never looking back and we each got help individually and as couples. Who knew that we women would find that we have voices and opinions and that those voices and opinions are important to be heard. Who knew that our spouses would finally get it too.

We were both submissive women too eager to please, too eager to accept another's --- anybody's --- unhealthy dominion over us, too easily sent to scramble to figure out where we miscommunicated when the shit would hit the fan. We just kept scrambling to tidy up all the loose ends because we were unable to fix that whole fabric of what was really wrong. We needed to find a voice and become healthy. For some reason we were just not willing to pack up the kids and run probably because the hurts were not visible and the abuse was done in secret. We felt that we wouldn't be believed by our children, parents or friends.

She and i were friends during much of this dysfunctional time and didn't know we were each living like this. Amazing, isn't it. But at a party one night she said something to me..... sort of a little slip that told me she was hurting.... and i invited her to dinner. At that dinner i told her my history and told her that i'd soon be moving away from my home, husband and young adult children because if i didn't i would most certainly die. And she then told me her story and we shook our heads in wonder that we'd never had the voice to share with one another or anyone else.

So at dinner the other night i began to talk about how comforting it is for me to have a person with strong broad shoulders on which to lay my burdens, how fulfilling it is to be able to completely surrender myself so as to meet another person's needs in service and how that makes me feel so complete, about how i feel there are some people in this world who love being the ones to take the burdens and make the decisions just as i love to give them up. Very simplified, yes, but about as far as i felt she could comprehend what are the beginnings of a power exchange type of relationship.

Her brows knit together as she said "That is just not healthy! Isn't it true that within a relationship, the person who is so controlling must learn to give up some of that control in order to learn to defer to others and the people who are so deferring must learn to take charge?"

Hummmmm. i wonder. i wonder if she is right. The pressure i put on myself to be "a good sub" may not be healthy. i went in a direction which was to find affirmation of who i am, a submissive person, and subsequently developed that understanding into a need and craving for that life. i pretty much found the choir that sang the virtues of D/s and joined in. Conversely, she went in the direction of the cultural understanding of mental health which is to teach a much more middle of the road approach that we call "vanilla". But i wonder if i got it right. Did i get on the bus that may not ultimately bring healing?

This is all so heavy on my mind and heart today because i am struggling with this awful feeling that i did the wrong thing with Master last night BUT i don't really think it was the wrong thing... the delivery was wrong but the message was not wrong. It's not a huge thing going on... i know we will talk it through eventually but this is the thing.... here i am feeling defensive like i used to feel when i tried but couldn't "speak up", or when i tried but couldn't "disagree" or when i just flat out got angry because i felt so powerless. This is not about BDSM, it is not about limits.

i used go over and over a situation that ended badly trying to see how i might have better explained myself, how i might have been more understanding of a position other than my own, how i should have been more patient, how i should have asked for help or more time or more information. But the thing is sometimes a negative outcome is not my fault.

Last night i was reduced... yes, reduced, to a shivering little pleaser submissive puppy dog of a woman and it doesn't feel right. It feels like i'm thrown off balance, like i can't trust my own instincts, like i will loose ground if i push my opinion. The patterns run so deep and here i am not knowing how to please and to have a voice at the same time... the fear of saying the "wrong" thing runs so deep.

The Pier

Edging.

my dress is made of a sleek finely knit jersey and the high waistline frames my breasts and allows the skirt to blow freely about my ass and thighs as i walk the length of the pier. No panties and no bra obstruct the availability to any who'd wish to enjoy.

The breeze is light but still noticeable by my nipples that are puckered and hard and straining against the bodice of the dress. i'm well aware that in this state of arousal my aureoles are bumpy and swollen and noticeable to any who view.

The need i have to spread my legs is strong. i pretend to be interested in the small bit of shell in the center of the long pier and i squat with the sole purpose of spreading my legs. The pink shimmery fragment on the wood plank gives me a target but i don't really need one, do i? i sometimes still hold on so tightly to the good girl who won't allow her bad girl to surface. Squatting i feel the lips of Master's cunt slowly separate.... the sticky fluids have dried and hold the edges together and as the lips spread the pleasure ripples through my body and i close my eyes and tilt my head back opening my mouth just barely as though ready to take a cock. Just a hole, just to be used, just to serve.

Standing now i move purposefully towards the end of the pier.... not so much to get to the end but to feel the slick lips rubbing and the wetness running. The railing is about elbows high so i rest my arms on it and my body stretches so that my ass is hiked outward. The breeze is blowing my dress between my legs and i know that my tits... Master's tits... are exposed to the nipple.

Then i hear Him. "My slut" is all He says. His hand rests on my ass and slowly traces down and his longest finger teases me thru the fabric. my breathing is shallow and rough.

As i edged to this fantasy, i felt myself there. i hear the gulls, i felt the hairs on my skin move as the breeze blew and i felt Master's deep voice travel through my body.

Meditation. i am ready to begin the meditation in service to Him, for in the practice of meditation i can so so easily go to Him any time He chooses and serve Him as completely as He sees fit.

Surrendering to Him, knowing that i serve Him, wanting only to feel Him in me and around me i trance easily. Today, for the first time, not only did i feel the pleasure that He gives but i felt His hands on me, using me like he loves to do. i felt his fingers sliding into His pussy and reaching for that sweet pleasure spot that is deep inside. Moans and shudders... holding on so tightly, feeling His every touch, each brush of His breath, each word He speaks. And then, the time is up.

Thank You for this gift, Master.

Work and Be Worked

i figured that the answer would be a simple "yes". Like the answers to most questions, though, it wasn't that simple. "Do you think it's natural for sexual energy to ebb and flow?" The answer was a "yes, but" and then "Yes, but sexual energy needs to be expanded."

i asked the question because i am concerned that i am not sexual enough. i know that my body is changing lots... some say that menopause changes a woman as much as puberty. Thankfully i still have the drive and the desire but at the same time it is just different somehow.

So what about this expanding the sexual energy idea? The meditations that Master fashioned for me are a primary way i keep in touch with my sexual feelings on a daily basis. i work hard on getting the mind and pussy working together with varying results. When it's great i can feel such pleasure deep within Master's pussy, tingles and strokes along my clit and moisture forming between my lips. When it's not so great my mind won't settle in on a mantra and it flits or drifts. So i started doing two 15 minute sessions a day to help train my mind to focus, focus, focus. Master also has me edging to keep the want growing. Today i wondered if maybe a bit of self loving the bod prior to meditation might help. Tomorrow i'll experiment. i just have to have faith that it all works for good and not obsess about easily getting or not getting the quick big "O".

So what i have come to understand about working and being worked makes so much sense. i need the work. i need the purpose. i crave it. Master knows that by putting this slut mind and body to work for His purposes gives me purpose. It's food for my spirit. And really for me it doesn't need to be sexual work for the results to make His pussy flow.... i'd serve Him in any way and i think it would be heaven.

Short Leash

One week ago i disappointed Master by my behavior. i knew better than to act the way i did but i went ahead and did "it" anyways. It wasn't a full 180 degree turn towards misbehavior but was more of a slippery slope i'd been on for a while and i just didn't know how to stop it on my own.

i don't think it's important that i reveal what i did or how Master set me straight but rest assured He did. i was a tearful, repentant, heartbroken mess in front of Him once i had confessed and realized that i had disappointed Him. He broke me. i was embarassed and humiliated. Master's pussy was dripping wet while at the same time i cried rivers of tears.

Never in my adult life had i been called out on the carpet and punished. Never. Reasons for never being punished might be because i would always make sure i did things pretty close to just right because to disappoint people in authority over me or who i cared deeply about made me feel awful. But i know i have not always done my best or done things correctly. Master is the first person, Dominant or vanilla, who has cared enough to take the time to see what was going on in my head and life and to put a stop to it in a way that was the most effective for me to learn.

i say effective because since He punished me, which includes the taking of a privilege, i feel so very cared for, so close to Him, so settled down in my spirit, and purposeful.

i don't know why it works the way it does. i'm just glad that it does. Thank You, Master. xoxoxo

Still Happily Serving

First of all, i would like to say that i deeply mourn the loss of FatBoy, my little cock dildo that i managed to bite into two pieces (i know, not a good thing at all). Master wanted "him/it" replaced right away and i couldn't fine another one because he was a unique lil fat thing. Instead i replaced him with an egg shaped plug that can't be bitten through but it's not the same. Finding a FatBoy, Jr. is on my to do list.

This has been the most beautiful spring and early summer i can remember. It's also been one of the busiest! Creative energies are being expended elsewhere and i don't seem to have the drive to blog as much as i do in the winter. It's natural, i suppose.

Master continues to draw me to Him and challenge and use me for His pleasure and the benefit is that i am so fulfilled in the process. We may not be in a position to fuck just now but His mind fuck is like nothing i've ever experienced! Through the meaningful work He has me do daily through my solo meditations and with our hypnotic scening done maybe a few times a month and with our nearly daily connecting otherwise and somehow, He can pretty much take me wherever He wants me to go and i feel as though i am there. Sometimes i focus so intently on His words that he can paint a picture during a conversation and for a short time i feel as though i am right there in that place. And because i am pretty good at describing what i see and feel, i can share it all with Him when He desires it so that we are drawn even closer and deeper into relationship.

i'm a lucky girl!

FetLife

Joined FetLife last night and found four new homes (groups) and hope to meet some new friends.

Two groups i am most excited about are the group for Doms and subs with vanilla spouses and the Mind Control Fetish Group.

bringing up slut

When i was maybe 2 or 3 my mother had to pull a little toy out from my pussy because i'd been playing in it during my naptime and the toy had gotten slippery, buried and stuck.

When i was about 5 i loved to take off my lacy panties and stand over the drain in the basement to pee in it.

When i was 9 i rubbed my pussy along the crossbar of my bike and ground it in, loving the feelings.

When i was 12, 13, 14, 15..... i would lay in my bed whenever i could with my pants off, legs spread, and sticking anything i could find into my needy pussy. i'd imagine that i was being watched and i'd orgasm.

When i was a teen i would lay under the water faucet in the bathtub and let the water run onto my clit until i'd cum. i didn't know what it was called but i wanted to do it again and again.

i would look at my wet pussy in the mirror and watch as i'd finger or insert things and watch as it changed color as it became swollen.

When i was 16 i went with some girls and boys to a loft apartment in the city. It was the home of one of the moms who was divorced and she was with her friends drinking wine. We drank some wine with them and then went to the upper level. i remember hands groping, feeling my wet pussy. The boy put my hand on his cock and he came all over my hands. i felt so guilty. One of the moms hugged me and said i'd be okay. She was right.

When i was about 18, my mother found some erotica in my brother's room. She was livid and threw in into the trash can. i went into the garage and i found it. It was a magazine filled with black and white images of a woman tied to a chair, her legs spread, her pubic hair was a large and thick triangle and her lips protruded just a bit. A man was standing over her. As i stood in the garage i reached under my dress and violently orgasmed when my finger touched my clit.

Is it any wonder that Master's pussy craves as it does?

Edging Cunt

Getting back to basics is getting to this girl's libido nicely.

Edging this morning hasn't been this intense in a long time.... my clit being so hard, Master's pussy so wet, then finding myself so wet makes me stroke wet fingers up and around my clit and then back to pussy for more. Again and again i approached orgasm and again and again i back away. i was a good slut for You, Master.

You know the effect anal beads have on Your girl. Ever since the day that You doubled my pleasure as each bead went into this ass i can't help but cream at the thought of them touching me. i didn't want to use gel, Master, not when Your cunt was so slippery so i slowly fucked myself with the beads and when the pleasure got high enough i stopped, pulled them out, and began to insert the girl cum covered beads into this ass, one at a time. With just one bead in i pulled the handle of the beads up along my slit to tease my clit more.

The pleasure was so exquisite this morning that i orgasmed as the fourth bead went in.

During the day at work i again wore Your shields, removed them with each bathroom visit and replaced them with clothes pins after admiring the pattern the shields leave on my areola. i'd start and stop my pee stream just to feel Your pussy working and i'd stroke my lovely little clitty before putting myself back together to get back to work.

i'm about to meditate now, Master. And edge some more. Or maybe i'll edge and then meditate. But i have to touch, have to touch.

Back to Basics

Master, today feels so brand new and i am so grateful!! What i mean is that i feel new energy or new hope or optimism. It's all three, really. i remember you saying back in the early days of our relationship something like "let's see the world as half full, girl". Today i just embrace that even more. i will also embrace the gift of living in each day as it comes.

i'm not sure how i moved away from living with joy in each day but i did. Before going farther i would like to offer this confession to You, Master. i don't know if it's stress, or hormones, or lack of sleep or what but probably a combination of all that plus some other things just have interfered with my grateful service to You. i didn't realize that until today. Maybe i've just been a pain in the ass. Maybe been bratty. Yet in the moment i thought i was serving well. But i think i lost sight of staying in the day and in the moment of just being grateful for You.

So, i confess a need to be accountability grateful. What i mean is this. Daily meditating. Bathroom times always with clamps and touches and visualization and pee. Cocks to ride on daily and being grateful in knowing it's Your pussy being made wet. Your nipple sheilds. Daily or multiple times daily, edging. Daily or multiple times a day fantasizing. Daily kegels. Lots of water. Daily writing to You about it all right here because You want me to because it keeps us connected during our busy lives. You've given me structure and i'm tapping into it more by talking to You about it.

So grateful to You, Master for Your patience and care.

Two in the Mirror

Mirrors line the long hallway. They are framless and i'm left without any sense of boundaries that a series of heavily framed mirrors would give me and i am left to find my way. It's uncomfortable.

There are images in the mirrors but i can't see where the images originate and maybe that doesn’t matter, really. The images are here now and i am here with them for a purpose.

There are reflections of two women in the mirrors. One woman has dark hair and the other light. The images are always just ahead of me as i walk. When i stop, they stop. When i move forward they move forward. They cast their dark eyes down, they smile softly at one another and they smile at me as they each trace along their hip down their thigh with long fingers. It's as though they are performing some type of seductive dance to lure me and they are working in unison towards that common goal. i can’t help but watch and follow even though the unfamiliarity of this dance is as uncomfortable as it is captivating.

i'm not sure which woman is leading or if one is leading at all. Seems like one of the two floats slightly forward like she's enticing the other to follow as a mimic. As if planned the mimic then takes over the lead and the other follows.

The woman with the dark hair is in red and her protruding nipples make sharp points in the satin gown. She touches the tip of one just slightly and i see that when her head drops back in an exquisite expression of pleasure her mouth opens just slightly. The mimic, the woman with the light hair, follows the motions of her darker sister and teases her own nipples under her blue satin gown. They see me watching, exchange glances and soft smiles, and continue their tease.

i move forward down the passageway turning in slow circles as i go. i see that the beginning of the mirrored hallway is far behind and it ends at a point far ahead. There is no history here but only the now and the place to where the images are drawing me. There are no others behind, nobody ahead. Just me. And the two women in the mirror.

Such sluts they are as their hips undulate and their pussies rub. Such sluts they are as their tongues tease and their fingers weave through and grasp one another’s hair. Such sluts they are as they slowly raise the hems of their satin gowns higher and higher up their curved asses to show me that heart shaped place where wet lips meet. My breathing quickens, my nipples are swollen and erect and my cunt is wet. And i just continue to walk.

i see a figure at the end of the hallway. He’s in black trousers, black boots and is without a shirt. His facial features are obstructed. i sense such strength and sexuality even as he stands so calmly.

The sluts in the mirror are floating back and forth from the right side of the hallway to the left and back again. They seem agitated and the thin straps of their gowns are slipping down their arms. Fingers are under their gowns, legs are spread, breasts are thrusting towards him. It is he, the man at the end of the hallway, they are seducing now.

i feel my hands caress my own body. The fabric is so smooth, so sensuous in feel. It glides along my curves. It clings to my ass. My right hand is under the hem of my gown and my left is kneading my breast. i see my exposed breast and Master’s nipple shield under the red satin gown.

My chest feels tight as i begin to understand now. My eyes meet hers, meet the eyes of the slut with the light hair in blue satin, we smile softly at one another and hear Master saying, so proud of His slut, “My good girl, you have please Me so.”

Wild Hearts

"I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in."
Cole Porter

i understand this, Master. i do.

i believe that men long for adventures to make their hearts race, and battles to fight for worthy causes, and seductions to make their blood boil and beauties to lure.

i believe that women long to have a man like that to be proud of, to be swept up and to share in his adventures, to be seduced, and to be the beauty.

Our culture doesn't support that very well does it. We've become fearful. Have we lost the ability to live with wild hearts?

Maybe in general that is so but within D/s we have this opportunity to live out how we are made .... man and woman, Master and submissive. Supporting fully our expressions of who we need to be.

Master, i am so drawn to Your wild heart. Sometimes i stumble because i've never experienced a man like You.... i'm trying.

i am so proud to be called Yours in this adventure.

Check Point

Regarding the previous posting.....

it might have been a good idea if i'd paid more attention to what those buzzing toys were trying to tell me from the pocket of my purse.

i had to go to a secure government building today to take care of something for work. It had been several months since my last trip there and i didn't really think through the entire check-point process.

i walked through the metal detector archway and turned aside to retrive my purse. The female sheriff's deputy had the belt stopped the belt right on my purse and from the side i could see its outline. When she crumpled up her eyebrows and said "hmmmmmm" that's when i just sort of went "oh s***", took a breath and smiled. She turned her viewer to my direction. My mind was racing.... what's she seeing, what'll i say? She pointed to something and said "can you tell me about this?" She was pointing at the vibrating nipple clamp. i said "it's a clamp" and i could tell she wasn't getting it. She said "will you show me, please" and i took my purse, opened it, opened the pocket and said "it's a personal item, can i just have you look inside here?" and then she sorta got it. But, there's more....

The purple vibe was in the pocket too the one i ride home on, the "Master's Cock" one.... so she looked in and i just acted like i do this ALL the time and she had me remove the clamp and hold it in my hand and i had to explain to her how it works. And i in my most assured voice said something like "think what a good story this is going to be." So she just shook her head, walked back to her chair and said "we see just about everything here but that takes the cake".

And rather than leave the complex by a different doorway, i made myself walk back through their checkpoint.

Buzz

The ringer volume on my cell phone is usually turned all the way down to no volume when i am at work. All quiet. No sounds. Then i turn it up just before i get ready to leave the office.

So when my purse started buzzing last week at about 5 pm, i figured i'd made a mistake and set the ringer to vibrate. No biggy. Except that when i pulled out my phone it wasn't vibrating and my purse was still buzzing. Oh NOOOOO! It must be the vibrator in the zipper pocket, the one i ride for Master on my commute and it must have turned on accidentally! So i opened it up and no, the vibrator wasn't on but my purse was still buzzing! What?? Digging deeper i felt it. The vibrating nipple clamp.

Like a good slut, i just hit the ladies room, peed, plugged Master's pussy with the vibrator, edged and went on home.

Place Called His

It's Friday already. Almost time for meditation, edging. The time of night and the time of week that is so condusive to just reflective thinking and resulting feelings.

Master's gifts this week have been many. In return i wish i could write about them in a deep and profound way or i wish i could write them into a story for Him. i know He'd like that. Something written so that He'd go WOW or better yet, go mmmmmmmmm, My slut. Or something to make Him laugh. i love making Him smile and laugh. His laugh is so warm and wraps around me like a binding to hold me still to Him.

Master sometimes says He spoils me and i feel as though He does. He gives me a place to be. That is a gift. He gives me a place to be His. That's the greater gift.

That place He's given me called "His" is where i am free to freefall as His slut and as a slut. It's a place where i don't have to weigh the choices, the choices are His to make. It's a place to freely feel and experience anything He chooses as my service to Him. i don't even have to worry about when or where. It all just seems to work out.

In this place called "His" He's guided me into His service rather than my self service. i understand much better now how i must remove all notions and actions of my control from our relationship. It was pretty painful for me to see that i had not given up quite as much as i thought i had and He still stuck with me and pulled me through that muck. Yesterday He said peeling the layers away from me is like peeling an onion... with each layer come my tears, lots of them. It hurts me, hurts good. There is no judgment in those words about peeling the layers away, just tender honesty.

This week He gave me the gift of visually seeing His cock while i pleasured Him. Master has such access to my mind that i can see Him now at my mouth as though He was actually above me as i kneel before Him. He is vivid in my mind and that's a gift. He allowed me to bring Him pleasure this week. i hope there are many more ways i can in the future.

This week He's also helped me with technical stuff with my computer. That's ongoing but will sort out soon enough i think.

So now it's time to take the more tangible gifts that Master has given me.... His voice, His shields and the pillow i can hold when i miss Him along with His guided meditation and meet Him for a while. i need to edge for Him. i need to work His cunt for Him.

i have far to go, and so looking forward to continuing this walk.

Last Night Got

to worship cock.

laid.

meditation in for 25 minutes.

to wear a dildo in Master's cunt while on my way home from work and out to dinner.

to thinking that doing daily Kegels is a good idea and will please Master in His pussy's responsiveness.

an idea that a getaway sometime in the fall sounds perfect,

and thinking ocean, so....

better join the gym again to get ready because now my schedule is stable enough to commit to it.

Fabric

Master's family is going through an experience that has potential to change the entire fabric of their family. And in the midst of the first crisis, Master contacted me to let me know.... to let me know so that i could keep them all in my thoughts, to let me know so i wouldn't be concerned if time would pass without contact, to let me know so i'd know how to best serve during this time.... or at least try. Events like this.... i don't know how else to say it but to say "event".... change the fabric of the family forever. They have the potential to send earthquakes through the fiber of the individuals.... they cause hard questions to be asked of oneself and it is just life at its most basic.

Anybody Can Say No

There may never be agreement as to what constitutes slavery in the world of D/s, but i have some ideas and opinions about consentual slavery and the practice of M/s as i understand it at this point in time...

i believe that anyone in a consentual relationship can say no. Anybody. A two year old knows how.

i believe even more strongly that a submissive can say no and a slave can say no. Yes, slaves. It isn't always easy to say no, but there are always circumstances where our will superscedes the will of another. i do not mean that it is a wise choice for a slave to say no to Master, but it can be done and has been done.

i don't believe that slavery is measured by the degree of how easily he or she gives in, surrenders, obeys, performs, etc.

i believe that slavery is the reflection of Master's work in her, and of her resulting service. It's a reflection of the ultimate alignment of the submissive to the Master, the yin to the yang. His needs become hers. His desires, hers.
Slavery does not start and stop from bedroom to the rest of life. i believe that the slave exists in relationship to the Master... without Master, there is no slave. Potential, yes. But a slave is not a slave until there is service.

The slave may have her own opinions, her intellect. And because her world is so aligned with His, her opinions and intellect are so often put to use in service to Him.

i also know that there have been books and articles written about this because it's not an easy topic. This concludes my 2 cents worth. For now.

Best Presents are From Him

Master, You were so tired, it was so late, yet You drew me back to the voice meditation You'd prepared for me earlier in the day. And when in bed, i reached between my legs and felt the thick, rich cream that had gathered as You spoke to me. More than wet, Your cunt was creamy and open. Felt the electric feelings through my clit. The edging brought me so near to an ecstatic orgasm, so near.... so fast, faster than ever before. And i just kept edging and edging, thinking about being by Your side, about Your eyes and hands on me. This was the best ever. Pain into pleasure.

Working Past the Self

Or maybe it's pushing self out of the way? Or maybe it's sending self away for good.

i am a selfish submissive. Don't know quite what to do about that except to keep saying "please forgive". And thank You for not giving up.

There must be this: "yes, this is what i want".... "is this what you want, crys, to serve Me...." "yes, this is what i want"..... yes yes yes this is who i want to be, Yours.

However, i don't like being the selfish submissive who keeps tracking back to her own needs. i don't want to be a selfish person. It's so ugly.

Selfish submission is maybe the same thing as easy submission for me at this point. Feel good submission. It's like chocolate... i mean, who wouldn't love it and want tastes as often as possible. i find that i want to give when my submission is so easy to give that it flows. When it takes me to a lovely place i just want more and want it to feel like that all the time.

And sometimes it's as though my submission has to pulled from me. i'm finding that as the top layers of submission are now pulled back, there are the strongholds waiting for You, Master, to dismantle one by one.

i understand now. Surrendering to submit, that's it. i'm understanding the full implications of surrender. And now i know that surrender can be so painful. So painful. Surrender is not always about warm fuzzy things. Surrender is about me getting out of the way for everything. For anything. And to follow You and serve no matter what. To serve You and to turn that pain into pleasure when need be.

Who ever called this "the gift of submission"? Aren't presents supposed to be pretty? This isn't pretty. It's uncomfortable. It's emotionally painful. The exorcism resulting from the emotional pain goes so much deeper than anything wrought from the administration of physical pain in a typical scene. The misery is that i usually don't see what's going on until it's too late to use this pain as erotic pain. The good is that now i know and can make it work and maybe some day it'll not be such a huge deal

In Pleasure and Pain

Every single thing I see, good or bad,
You make it mean something better.
Every pleasure, every pain,
Every nightmare that I dream
Make it mean something better.

Every time that I can't make a sound
And I think that I'm starting to drown
Even when I try to take you down
Every time that I think I'm alone
And I can't find a word of my own
You take me home
And then you change the world again.

With only one word
You took a war out of my history.
It's funny how one single thing you choose to see
Could change the world
And give mine back to me so much better.

Every single thing I see, better
Every single thing I dream, better
So much better.
Every pleasure, every pain, better
Every nightmare that I dream
Make it mean something better.

Conjure One
Extraordinary Ways
"One Word"

You Put me to Use

You brought me to this place blindfolded. Naked and cuffed with arms stretched overhead, i am securely fastened to something above our heads.... to what, i don't know. You brought me here because You want to put Your slut....Your pussy and Your tits to use.

i'm stradling a man whose cock i can feel between wet pussy lips and You've asked me to please you and pleasure him by rubbing my cunt along his hardness. Deeply i grind into him and i hear him moaning and i feel your face so close to mine as you whisper to me "that's my good girl, my slut". i pause for a moment to thank You ..... You grasp my hair, hard, pulling my head back and tell me to work for You faster and show You how i love being Your slut. You tell me that the louder i moan, the more excited and wet i will become, and the harder the cock of the slut underneath me will become.

i feel a woman's body behind me.... she is slightly built and her soft skin rubs against mine. Her fingers grasp my nipples and pull then twist until i beg her to stop. She won't stop. The pain is too much.... "what has she done to my nipples, Master?" "Keep grinding, my slut!" You hiss. So i do.

Then i sense You in front of me. i feel the head of your cock on my lips, and now Your shaft, and now Your balls. "Worship me," You say as i lick, and suck and feed from Your beautiful cock. Maybe this time i will get to drink as reward. As i hear the sub slut beneath me moan as his Mistress orders him to orgasm, i hear Your words "cum for Me now my girl, cum for Me now" and it builds and the fluids explode from Your cunt as i do and i taste Your thick cum as You pump it down the throat of Your grateful girl.

Disappointments as Milestones

Not sure what to do with this disappointment that's so deep in my heart. i've disappointed myself because i disappointed Master.

He is kind, fair and gentle. Stern in that He doesn't put up with my stuff. He is so smart and so fun and so funny and so loving. i respect Him greatly for all that He is and for what He does in His life as a husband, father, son, professional, and friend. He gives so much of himself and His time to all of us in His life and i like to think that i offer Him enough quality and quantity of mine to make His days just a bit brighter. i just hate it that i can't be perfect for Him (smiles.... who do i think i am, anyways) (i can answer that, i am His girl, flaws and all).

i don't like it that i write these "about me" blog entries. So maybe once this is done i will focus on "about experiences" blog entires? But since this is an "about me" posting, i will continue ...... i am so self focused that i can't just get over it... maybe it's because the balance is so elusive to me, that voice of balance that i feel should be me that says "hey you girl, you messed up, you cleaned it up, get over it and get on with it". When people come to me in their angst and want to talk their stuff through, that is how i encourage them to .....but following my own advice... hmmm i guess i'm not a very good self advocate. Maybe the voice of balance should be that once the self forgiveness happens and Master's forgiveness has happened, i simply hold my chin up and get on with what ever comes next in the day. Would i learn my lesson better if i just took my lumps and moved along? Or would i learn my lesson better if i played that old tape again and again to keep making myself feel bad? (that doesn't sound helpful). Maybe it would be more helpful and a better use of time to spend less time writing about it here and more time composing something that Master would like to read over the weekend? But then again, how would He know what's going on in my mind if i don't talk about it. And then again, He seems to know what's going on with me pretty well anyways (people have a certain amount of pretictability, don't they, and submissive women maybe even more? dunno)

i read the blogs that other girls write. It seems like we all do a fair share of beating ourselves up over what grace calls "infractions" (i love that word so harsh and to the point). And we also do a pretty good job of picking ourselves up and trying harder. So that's what i'll do. Just pick myself up and try harder.

This relationship that KD and i have is precious to me. One sub friend said to me "but don't we all feel that way about our Masters?" Yes, i suppose we all do. For me, personally, this is different.

KD's hypnoslut

i have an assignment and that is to write about what has happened over the past 2 days. i have until 7:00 tonight to finish my entry.... that's when Master gets home from golfing.

As luck would have it i have unexpected company tonight! So i have only part of my entry written and i beg Your understanding, Master, and i will come back to You here as soon as i can. i hope to be making You proud with my completed entry as soon as possible.

Here we go.... Master gave me another chance to complete this today.

"On a day when my pussy never stopped flowing, and i never stopped floating, i'm asked to write about my experience and i don’t seem to be able to find the words.” Master gave me this sentence as a place to start as a place to document what has happened over the past 2 days because these have been two of the most free and delightful days i have spent. Free.

But first I feel like I have to explain how we got there. If someone were to listen in on the conversations that Master and i have, they’d probably see that ours are not unlike most between a dominant and a submissive. The difference in our conversations is that He may choose to speak to my subconscious as well as to my conscious mind.

He has access to my subconscious because I give Him access to it during a trance state. I have a general awareness that it is happening but not specific awareness. It is like I just push the watchful vanilla me out of the way to allow slut submissive me to have the experience that vanilla me craves but is so way overly protective of. Somehow I know that Master draws me closest to Him when He takes me to the deepest state. And each time He does that I bond more closely to Him in my conscious-minded world as well. Just thinking about this makes His pussy throb as I write for Him.

Over the past months Master has continued to work with me to train my mind to focus on his voice, to focus on tasks at hand, to block out random thoughts, to focus on my body’s sexual responses and to focus on how i feel in response to belonging to Him. This is largely how i serve Him. Everything i do in service to KD is to follow Him where He wants to take me and to do what i can to bring light into His life in whatever way He asks. This is what He wants from me and this is what i try to give. I do mess up sometimes like when I didn’t get this entry done on time. Thank You, Master, for Your most perfect way of handling me.

i was such a huge doubter at first. My conscious mind does not like to settle down even for sleeping and dreaming or even to scene in BDSM... puts up SUCH a battle.

Anyways, i have always understood that i will grant Him access to my trance state and while in a trance state He may choose to talk to me really deeply. While in a trance state i completely understand what is going on and i can stop at any time. It’s not a whole lot different than being in deep subspace and maybe it’s the same thing. i’m not sure but they feel like they come from the same part of my mind. It’s that submissive yearning to be “one with the One” that puts us into subspace and it is also the path that works for hypnotism, too.

Master has also given me some tools that keep me close to Him, some concrete items that have emotional meaning and also evoke physical erotic responses. One tool is a visualization that He uses so that i can feel him and touch him and even smell him and hold him close to me.... and if I hold, say, a large pillow, it is like holding him. I know he has given me this gift of comfort.

Another tool KD uses is the nipple shield. The shields have become symbols of my being bound to Him so that when I see them or hold them or wear them, i feel that bond. Over the past two days i also discovered that when I wear them and then touch them i feel so very charged in Master’s pussy and it pulses and pulses and pulses. By the end of the day Monday, I had not let the shields out of my sight and wore them most of the day. I wore them to bed and awoke on Tuesday morning with one still on and holding the other in my hand.

By Tuesday morning i knew that i would crave have all three holes plugged by the end of the day. i knew that i would become increasingly aroused as the day wore on. i don’t have any specific recollection of having a conversation like that but i just knew. i knew it without thinking about it.

Master and I chatted on Monday night. i'm sure every sub has had the experience of having their minds worked and bodies worked in such subtle ways by the use of trigger words and combination of tone and sentence structure and all those other magical tools our dominants use in addition to the use of the heavier handed methods (smiles). So by Monday night when we talked and when we were talking with our group of friends, i'd been worked in a mind fuck sort of way the entire day and was ready to just sit with Him and serve Him by responding to Him in a way that i could hope to please Him.

So that Monday night with Master i felt myself slip easily into "flying" mode, so hyper tuned into every word, every expression. He had me edging as we spoke and i felt my excitement growing with certain words.... he'd encourage me with "good girl" and i'd feel tongues on my clit. He'd say something else and i'd feel His cock inside pussy. He'd bring me close to orgasm then back away and do it again and back away and do it again and back away, and then sent me to bed.

And i had some instructions. i knew that by the end of the next day we would have some time in voice chat and i would crave to have Him plug my 3 holes. i'm sure there was more but i don't remember.... i just rode the most delish wave and followed Him. Voice chat could mean some time in hypnosis and those times are so very rare and to be cherished. Such a gift it is, and I thank You Master. i was already on a cloud of bliss before i went to bed on Monday.

You know, there’s that battle between vanilla me and slut me. Vanilla me is self conscious and slut me doesn’t really know what to do with vanilla self conscious me. Master has the key, though, and he unlocked that door for me on Tuesday.

We met for a special lunch (both vanilla and slut me love to have lunch with Master).... voice and video chatting from my bed to His desk. He instructed me to have some of my toys ready so I did. And then He began.

I love His voice, I love how there is never a lack of conversation between us. I love his laugh and I love His kindness and I love hearing his passion. I love hearing his footsteps. His stern words make me cry and sometimes sarcasm makes me angry but then it also gets my attention. In my mind’s eye I can see his twinkling eyes and his thoughtful expressions.

That day I shared 3 new toys with Master. A long, ribbed glass dildo, a thick g spot vibe and anal beads. I also had Fat Boy which is KD’s name for the big penis shaped butt plug and a couple of old stand by vibes. The anal beads had been in for a while and before we started our hypnotic session, I removed it because putting it in and taking it out is the part that feels best ;). I also wear our nipple shields when we are together and most of the time when we are apart. Their use makes me most submissive to Him.

I am most comfortable on my side holding a pillow when relaxing in bed. Then with the one word He uses to trance me, I went to him. I “walked” down steps and I could see Him at the bottom of the staircase. The closer I got to Him, the deeper and deeper I went and then I let Him know I was there. He had me begin by inserting the anal beads. One at a time, my girl, He said. Take your time, no rush... and by the time the 2nd or 3rd bead was in I was in ecstasy with each additional bead. I have never felt such pleasure from something going into my ass. I was crying out in pleasure, writhing in pleasure as each went in.... I bless the person who made such a long strand of anal beads. I think I was arching from the pleasure.

One hole was filed. Then He filled His pussy with the big thick spot vibe and soon after my mouth with Fat Boy, the cock. The nipple shields sent shocks of pleasure to Master’s cunt as He worked His grateful slut.

Master talks gently to me through our sessions, creating phrases and words that evoke orgasmic feelings for me. On Tuesday He brought hundreds of tongues to stroke my clit and I actually felt His cock grinding and pumping so hard into me and then withdrawing soooooo agonizingly slowly. He fucked me again and again. The faster and louder I moaned the faster He fucked and the harder the tongues licked. The fantasies he wove for our mutual pleasure brought me closer and closer to orgasm. Wow I just remembered something. I knew ahead of time that by the end of the day on Tuesday I would have a huge exploding orgasm for Master. And I did, I did. Finally! It is so hard for me to orgasm and this one was the best ever. Ever ever. It lasted for a long time, a very long time. Master told me that I was arching and flailing around. I remember sobbing and thanking Him and telling Him how much I love Him.

That was not to be the end of our day, tho. There was another piece yet. And that was to take this experience to friends on the site where we chat while still in my bed, while still undressed, while still flying, while vanilla me was sooooo subdued and to finally be the exhibitionist sub slut I have longed to be. I had specific instructions to remain mostly covered but to tease was OK. I could discreetly fuck any of my toys (which I did and I know some cocks were made hard by the flexing of my ass as I did) and I was to share with our friends what had happened that afternoon.

I was able to spend most of the afternoon in that gloriously free state of mind and body and even now, Thursday morning, I am floating.

Master, I adore You. I thank You.

KD's Hypnoslut, the version that didn't get finished :(

i have an assignment and that is to write about what has happened over the past 2 days. i have until 7:00 tonight to finish my entry.... that's when Master gets home from golfing.

As luck would have it i have unexpected company tonight! So i have only part of my entry written and i beg Your understanding, Master, and i will come back to You here as soon as i can. i hope to be making You proud with my completed entry as soon as possible.

To Begin.....

On a day when my pussy never stopped flowing, and i never stopped floating, i'm asked to write about my experience and i don’t seem to be able to find the words. So Master gave me this sentence as a place to start, as a place to document what has happened over the past 2 days. These have been two of the most free and delightful days i have spent.

If someone were to listen in on the conversations that Master and i have, they’d probably see that ours are not unlike most between a dominant and a submissive. The difference in our conversations is that He speaks to my subconscious as well as to my conscious mind. He has access to my subconscious because i understand before “going in” that i will grant Him access to me while i am in a trance state. While in a trance state i completely understand what is going on and i can stop at any time.

Over the past months Master has continued to work with me to train my mind to focus on his voice, to focus on tasks at hand, to block out random thoughts, to focus on my body’s sexual responses and to focus on how i feel in response to belonging to Him. This is largely how i serve Him. Everything i do in service to KD is to follow Him where He wants to take me and to do what i can to bring light into His life in whatever way He asks. This is what He wants from me and this is what i try to give.

Master has given me some tools that keep me close to him, some concrete items that have emotional meaning and also evoke physical erotic responses. One tool is a visualization that I can feel him and touch him and even smell him and hold him close to me.... and if I hold, say, a large pillow, it is like holding him. I know he has given me this gift of comfort.

Another tool KD uses is the nipple shield. They have become a symbol of my being bound to Him so that when I see them or hold them or wear them, I feel that bond. Over the past two days I also discovered that when I wear them and then touch them I feel so very charged in Master’s pussy and it pulses and pulses and pulses. By the end of the day Monday, I had not let the shields out of my sight and wore them most of the day. I wore them to bed and awoke on Tuesday morning with one still on and holding the other in my hand.

By Tuesday morning i knew that i would crave have all three holes plugged by the end of the day. i knew that i would become increasingly aroused as the day wore on. i don’t have any specific recollection of having a conversation like that but i just knew. i knew it without thinking about it.

Master and I chatted on Monday night. i'm sure every sub has had the experience of having their minds worked and bodies worked in such subtle ways by the use of trigger words and combination of tone and sentence structure and all those other magical tools our dominants use in addition to the use of the heavier handed methods (smiles). So by Monday night when we talked and when we were talking with our group of friends, i'd been worked in a mind fuck sort of way the entire day and was ready to just sit with Him and serve Him by responding to Him in a way that i could hope to please Him.

So that Monday night with Master i felt myself slip easily into "flying" mode, so hyper tuned into every word, every expression. He had me edging as we spoke and i felt my excitement growing with certain words.... he'd encourage me with "good girl" and i'd feel tongues on my clit. He'd say something else and i'd feel His cock inside pussy. He'd bring me close to orgasm then back away and do it again and back away and do it again and back away, and then sent me to bed.

And i had some intructions. i knew that by the end of the next day He and i would have some time in voice chat and i would crave to have Him plug my 3 holes. i'm sure there was more but i don't remember.... i just rode the most delish wave and followed Him. Voice chat could mean some time in hypnosis and those times are so very rare and to be cherrished. i was already on a cloud of bliss before i went to bed on Monday.

The hypnotism that Master uses sometimes is a wonderful tool and adds a huge dimension to our play and overall satisfaction of our time spent together (that's how i feel anyways :) ) and it has helped so much in my ability to focus on Him not to mention the focus that leads to erotic feelings.

He is able to hypnotise me with just a word now and then take me to the level of trance He desires.

(the good part is coming up ;) )

Power of Master's Suggestions

12:31 PM
Monday the 28th

Master, the nipple shields You chose for me are in a small oval white porcelain dish next to my computer. All morning i've felt led to come upstairs and pick them up. Sometimes i sit and hold them. i've looked at them and i've held them to my face. i have a compulsion to put them in my pocket and keep them with me. i can't do this openly because i am not alone today as i'd hoped to be. So i just do it quietly and discreetly.

i worked out this morning and did a few things around the house and showered later. While in the shower i had the first strong pussy stirrings of the day. my clit was hard to the touch and when the desire to fill Your pussy with something or anything, the clit thickened and doubled in size. The shampoo bottle is too big to fit! Not to worry, sometime today i must find something to fill Your pussy and do it. i came into my bedroom and picked up Your shields and put one on the left nipple. Just stroking it caused fire in my clit and in Your pussy.... and then i had to stop... i was interrupted but the feelings will remain and increase the rest of the day. Not sure how i know that but it seems to be what's going on now.

i am not sure how i know that i am not supposed to cum today but i know i won't. i feel as though the nipple shields are key today. i want to fuck myself badly. That's for You, isn't it, my Master..... i do know for sure that i'm to talk about it here.

4:40 PM

i can't seem to find the relief for the heat in Your pussy. i've worn the small dildo in it for the past hour or so. i have shields on under my bra. i've bent myself over a big leather chair with ass up while furiously rubbing my clit. i even "rode" the arm of the chair to fuck the dildo which i like to think of as Your cock.

When i put the shields on i felt the swelling and pulsing in my pussy but then i felt a sharpness running down my clit. can't really explain it but to say it was like an extra almost painful hardness. i want to get as close to cumming as we did last night, Master. i have to go do that now.

But before i do that i did take the dildo from Your pussy to lick it and suck it. God how i want Your cock.

Understanding crystallinese

The wireless is being cooporative ..... smiles... so better write write write while i can. This blog is the place i communicate to you and i must remember that purpose. Again i tell myself that it is unedited and uncut.

i have a certain need to write emotionally right now but i think i'll let that simmer a while and maybe these emotions and physical feelings that are so heightened can be put to good use in service to You later on. Doing my best to not get mushy ;)....

Just about three months ago give or take a few hours we started talking privately, Master. i don't know that i had many expectations.... it's fairer to say that i was open to possiblities and i had comfortable instincts about you. We'd chatted in groups casually for a few years so maybe that little foundation was enough to provide to me enough safety to move to speaking privately. i know it doesn't matter how, it just matters that we did.... smiles.

Our walk together thus far has so totally exceeded anything i could have imagined. You "get me". As you have said, You speak crystallinese. i hope that You feel as though i "get You" because i feel that i do. My hope, and it's a big hope, is that i can continue to enrich Your life by belonging to and serving You.

Always in All Ways

It was close to midnight. They were well out of the city by now. The concert was over, the goodbyes said and the CD had just finished playing on the stereo. Master had trained her mind to go to Him in her quiet time and as the conversation and music stopped her eyes closed and to Him she went.

Deeper into the trance state she went recalling feelings of the many times she had surrendered to Him in the past. Deeper still she went seeking Him, yearning to become more and more sexually open and submissive.

She smiled softly as she thought of the many more opportunities she might have to bring pleasure to Him in all ways.

She thought about the conversations they'd had lately and decided that it must be the way He speaks sometimes that takes her away to Him so quickly. She remembered that last night He'd said He could take her under with just one word and she believes that He can and will do just that.

There was no reason to figure out how and why and so she just accepted. Always grateful she sent blessings of her gratitude to Him.

She'd noticed a slight difference in her responses lately. As she meditated she felt the pleasure in her pussy and nipples. She felt the pressure pushing slightly on her arms and chest. The new responses of orgasmic tension building might give her the orgasms that she hopes to freely give Him upon His command. She's encouraged. She smiled. She must be. His pussy pulses in erotic response.

“Time to help me stay awake.” The voice interrupted her trance.

“Are you getting drowsy? Do you feel like you’re sleepy?”

“Take off your pants.”

She smiled and laughed softly. “You want me to what? I can unzip them a little.”

“No. Off. All the way.”

The words “My slut” were unspoken.... those were Master’s words for her and she could imagine his voice saying “My wanton slut”. Her clit pulsed one, two, three times.

“OK”. Her breathing quickened. She could see the lights of a big rig ahead of them and headlights in the distance behind. This was going to be fun.... wondered how far he’d go and how far she’d submit. She unbuttoned and unzipped and worked the bluejeans out from underneath the seatbelt and worked them down to the floor.

“I’m in my panties now.”

He reached over and caressed the inside of her thigh and calf and brushed his fingers along the gusset of the panties. “Panties off. I want you to feel your ass on the leather.”

It seemed safe enough. No cars or trucks were nearby so she slid the panties off to pool upon the jeans that were already at her ankles.

She felt the power of Master’s voice so deeply imprinted in her mind as she imagined Him encouraging her with “good girl, My good girl.”

She moaned as his fingers continued to caress. She turned her body so that his touches would graze her slit, so he could feel how wet she’d become and so that the excitement inside of her cunt would grow. He laughed at her attempts. “You aren’t going to touch me, are you,” she said.

“No. Not yet.”

“You are so evil.”

Her jacket was open already so he easily pushed her top and bra up above her breasts to expose nipples already puckered and hard. He pulled the right nipple and twisted it before moving to the left. Her hands replaced his as he stroked her belly. His hand felt the pool of denim around her ankles and he said “Off. All the way.”

“All the way off??”

“Take them off. Pants and shoes, off.”

She could see that they’d caught up to the semi ahead of them and she couldn’t tell if he was going to stay behind or pass it by. A car passed them to the left. And then another. She was beyond caring who saw what was going on in their car and she pushed her pants off the rest of the way.

“There you go. Doesn’t that feel good?”

“mmmmm yesss. I think you love it when I am so naughty.”

He patted the dash. “Put your foot here.”

Before long both feet were on the dash, the seat was reclined and her pussy was spread open. So wanton, so slutty, so useable. His fingers were alternately fucking her deeply and rubbing her clit. Her hips moved back and forth meeting his thrusts. He passed a truck. Then another.

His bag lay on the floor of the car behind her seat. She heard him unzip it and root through it looking for something and a few seconds later heard a click, then buzzing and felt the vibrator fucking her pussy.

“Oh my god, oh my god that feels so good.”

He did not respond. She imagined Master encouraging His girl with “good girl” and “My slut”.... every “good girl” doubling her pleasure and making Him proud.

He handed the vibe to her. It was coated with her juices and she tasted herself on it after offering him the first licks.

She lay back in the reclined seat, tits and pussy exposed, wet vibe in her hand. She knew that he wanted her to orgasm. Again, Master’s voice as clear to her as though He was there with her saying “just let it come, My girl. Come for Me” she came for her Master, crying out as the pleasure rolled and rolled through her, her sex scent filling the car and wetness running down the leather seat.

After she’d composed herself and dressed she closed her eyes once again and went to that place that Master prepared for her. That place she carries with her always and where He is always and prepared to tell Him the story.

Calm Again

Tax season is over. So glad. It took a few days for the tension and stress to leave, then came a time of re balancing and now the calm is setting in. It feels so good to have a desire to string a few words together again.

Master, you have so generously given your time to me throughout these past couple of months and i think i've grown even through the rough days and weeks. You worked around our crazy lives and the stress energy that i was constantly bringing to our meetings. And then you'd use me so that i could be free to just be me and to just be Yours! You continued to train this body and mind for your use and pleasure which gives me such fulfillment and pleasure.

i rest so securely in the bond between us as i continue to surrender.

Grace

It's scary how much i care for Master.

It's scary how much i care about the success of our relationship.

It's scary that i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met.

It's scary how much he and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me.

It's scary how comfortable i have become because by being so comfortable i don't bring my game face in and then i am just not always on board in a way that i'd like to be.

It's scary that i don't know "how" to do this sometimes.

i don't like to be scared. Being scared is just another name for fear and fear drives out the light. i am no good to anyone without light.... and i know this.

So today during meditation i sought surrender in the silence. That's how i do it now... "to You i surrender....". The product of the mediation today was not erotic in nature but i think it brought some clarity to my head full of swirling thoughts and to my heart full of emotions. And it dissolved enough of the fear to let enough light in so that i can begin to see how these scary things are actually good things. i don't need to look at them as scary things but as stepping stones along the journey.


i'll turn those fear based thoughts around.... and restate with light .....

i care for Master so much that i can just embrace living in this bliss for this very moment.

i care very much about the success of our relationship and i can look forward to it becoming even deeper and richer.

i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met. Now there is substance and depth and a foundation to build upon.... and a bit of structure upon that foundation that is strong.

He and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me that i am sure i will never be quite the same.

i have become very comfortable with Master and within our relationship. i am just me, open and uncovered. Through the use of grace i can learn self forgiveness and remember to trust Master and to trust myself.

i don't know "how" to do this sometimes so i need to reread all of the above.

"People around us, once we have shown more faith in them, show up for us more powerfully than we had thought them capable; a job we had thought beneath us, once we throw our creativity into it, becomes the vehicle to a great success; our lack in some area, once changed from a source of complaint to a source of thanksgiving for what we do have, turns into a source of joy. Any situation can be redeemed." Marianne Williamson

Temptation

Seems like this topic is on my mind a lot so i'm going to give in and just work it through here.


i had a realization .... i think it was yesterday .... that a reason why i feel so free to serve and to surrender to you, Master, here online is because i am totally protected from the temptation to take it real with you. We made that committment up front that we would not meet for sex.

Yes, i am always tempted to take D/s real. i will always be tempted to take it real because i crave a power exchange relationship. i crave it because it's my nature and i crave it because i had D/s "real" and once bitten i still want it.

i made a final and ultimate choice to not go back for more. i chose love for the benefit of others (and yes it was also for my own benefit) and in doing so i gave up all probability that i will ever engage in a r/t power exchange relationship.

i knew all of this going into our relationship but here's where i now have greater understanding. When i was faced with the "online first and probably moving to real" i could not surrender, i could not commit, i could not fully engage because to do so could mean that i would not be able to stop myself from placing myself fully within the delema of staying or walking away from my marriage.

This is not a biggy thing. It's just a growth spurt of understanding myself a little better.

Focus

i believe i have had an "ah ha" moment. It follows the line of thinking that where the mind goes so goes the body. i must do a better job keeping my mind where it needs to be so that the slut is fed. Somehow i need to do a better job at associating everyday, ordinary things to using them to trigger erotic thoughts and responses. i cannot even believe how vanilla my mind is when the coast is so totally clear to be the slut! i must learn to seize the opportunities always, in all ways, at all times.

Party Girl

It was unusually early for him to wake on a Saturday morning. His girl lay beside him, her pantie covered ass brushing lightly against his groin. He would take from her this morning.

By the sound of her breathing he could tell that she was in that in between deep sleep and wakefulness state. He slowly stroked her ass as he whispered to her that she would be his slut to use, that his use of her mouth and pussy and nipples would soon be all she cared about.

His hands moved up and he held her breasts and rolled her nipples and they became hard in his hands. She was more awake than she had let on and her mind was in a state of openness to him and he filled her mind with erotic thoughts and memories of her slutty, wantonness.

As he spoke his finger moved along the leg opening of her panties, oh so slowly from her hip downward, caressing the curve of her ass as he did so, and then back up again. Over and over he drew his finger along her round ass as he talked her more deeply into a trance. As he teased her with his words he began to roll the elastic waistband of her panties down her ass and then back up, down and then back up, down and up.... not removing them and not fully exposing her. Her breath caught in her throat as he rolled the panties completely down to the top of her thighs and his fingers pushed into the wet, soft folds of her pussy to find the spot that always caused her back to arch and as he touched she gasped so very quietly. It was nearly imperceptible, that moan, but in the quiet house he heard her arousal.

He removed his hand from her wet cunt and waited. He sensed the struggle going on in her mind.... the struggle between wanting to be used, to be free to be the slut she is and the struggle to be the strong woman she perceives herself to be who can take care of herself. She begins to whimper. She pushes her ass towards him.

“If you need my cock, slut, remove those panties and spread your legs for me. Present your ass and cunt to me like a slut to be fucked.”

He knew she was now his. She’d let her guard down and was his ass fuck sub slut. She was so creamy and hot. His cock was hard now and he spread her wetness on the tip of his cock as he knelt behind her and rubbed himself up and down her wet slit. Teasing, not entering, just teasing. She begins to rock. She needs the penetration but doesn’t want the teasing to end. Feeling so submissive, she realizes that this is freedom she needs.... freedom to be the slut she is, to live completely as his.

She feels his cock spreading her lips. She craves him, craves his possession of her and craves his cock. With a whimper she pushes herself onto his cock and her whimpers turn to moans. His slut meets his thrusts and they move together, her creamy pussy and his engorged cock working towards the common goal of release. His fingers trace down her belly from her hard nipples and find her clit and he strokes her and he thrusts. Just as she is nearly cumming he stops and pulls out.

..... more to come....

Living It Out.... Why Do i Do Online?

i've read lots of blogs written by submissive women and chatted with lots of submissive women and the numbers of us who discovered and affirmed our submissive nature or desires through online means is astounding. It's also astounding that so many of us continue to seek online D/s outside of our primary relationships and/or marriages.

i'm one of those subs who experiences D/s through online relationships even after having served a dominant man in real life. i made a choice to leave that life (i've written about it as history) and try 'nilla again.

There is a very specific type of relationship that i look for online, the cerebral/emotional/intellectual/conversational.... i'm not even exactly sure what all the parts are because sometimes i know more of what does not work than about what does.

i've written in the blog before about the "whys". Some of those reasons are that i craved to be heard, craved to be understood. Craved to be someone special. Craved to have my cravings lived out and acted out. Craved to grow to trust to an extremely deep level. Craved to just give choices over to someone who would make them for me. Craved to be sexual and to be praised and affirmed for it. And there's the slut factor and the fetish exploration..... Just add these cravings to everything else that makes me submissive, add a Dominant man who recognizes my needs with his own and takes care of them and WOW. My very being becomes lit up. i believe that this is all very natural and an expression of what and who we are.

This is also a bit like having an affair. Actually it is having an affair, isn't it, in some sense. We are at our best. We are charming and we laugh and we say things to uplift the other. We leave our worldly problems behind us as we chat away or voice chat or talk on the phone. We know that this is filling a need and we also know that this is supposed to be fun and not a pain in the neck.

Now the cautions. i must be mindful because i know that online D/s is as powerful and seductive as it is in real life. In a way it is more seductive because it appears to be more innocent than it is. We feel extremely deeply and we can be taken to places we didn't know existed physically and emotionally. It is secret and naughty. And it is playing with fire. The danger is, in my experience, that if i am not careful i may begin to think that there is something really, really wrong with my vanilla marriage. It begins to look tarnished and dull. i may talk myself into thinking that i cannot bear to live another year in a house where i am not required to be at the door every evening naked and on my knees with crop in my teeth ;)... and i'll just make sure i talk myself right out of that idea, too. Online D/s is in addition to and not a replacement for my primary relationship.

That all being said, i admit that sometimes i am less aroused sexually with my husband than i am with Master. Master knows this and he's careful. Yes, i've given Master access to my mind and where my mind goes so goes the pussy, right? Yet it's still my mind. So it is a mind set. It is mind over body.... If i allow myself to be directed to have my body serve Master, i can also direct my mind to arouse my body otherwise. If to maintain balance i know that i must put on the brakes or can change gears. If there comes a time when i can't have appropriate physical intimacy and feelings for my husband because of what Master and i do together, then i will have to stop. i will have to direct my mind away from Master and i will find other ways to blow off some slutty steam to satisfy cravings in order to preserve my life.

i want both my cake and to eat it too. i want to preserve my vanilla life while tending to my submission. That's my way for now.