Ready

i'm ready to come back.

The new baseline is from a place that does not necessarily involve erotica, or sex, or titillation.

This new baseline is from a place of service for the sake of service. Deep and effortless servitude, working at being an example of self-discipline, recognizing my status as that of a girl who places others before me. Developing a will to obey is my hope and that out of this humility my level of obedience will grow and grow.

---- first becoming nothing, and then becoming all ----

It is my hope that, in my strength and in my work, this will be accomplished.

Back to Basics

Master, today feels so brand new and i am so grateful!! What i mean is that i feel new energy or new hope or optimism. It's all three, really. i remember you saying back in the early days of our relationship something like "let's see the world as half full, girl". Today i just embrace that even more. i will also embrace the gift of living in each day as it comes.

i'm not sure how i moved away from living with joy in each day but i did. Before going farther i would like to offer this confession to You, Master. i don't know if it's stress, or hormones, or lack of sleep or what but probably a combination of all that plus some other things just have interfered with my grateful service to You. i didn't realize that until today. Maybe i've just been a pain in the ass. Maybe been bratty. Yet in the moment i thought i was serving well. But i think i lost sight of staying in the day and in the moment of just being grateful for You.

So, i confess a need to be accountability grateful. What i mean is this. Daily meditating. Bathroom times always with clamps and touches and visualization and pee. Cocks to ride on daily and being grateful in knowing it's Your pussy being made wet. Your nipple sheilds. Daily or multiple times daily, edging. Daily or multiple times a day fantasizing. Daily kegels. Lots of water. Daily writing to You about it all right here because You want me to because it keeps us connected during our busy lives. You've given me structure and i'm tapping into it more by talking to You about it.

So grateful to You, Master for Your patience and care.

Wild Hearts

"I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in."
Cole Porter

i understand this, Master. i do.

i believe that men long for adventures to make their hearts race, and battles to fight for worthy causes, and seductions to make their blood boil and beauties to lure.

i believe that women long to have a man like that to be proud of, to be swept up and to share in his adventures, to be seduced, and to be the beauty.

Our culture doesn't support that very well does it. We've become fearful. Have we lost the ability to live with wild hearts?

Maybe in general that is so but within D/s we have this opportunity to live out how we are made .... man and woman, Master and submissive. Supporting fully our expressions of who we need to be.

Master, i am so drawn to Your wild heart. Sometimes i stumble because i've never experienced a man like You.... i'm trying.

i am so proud to be called Yours in this adventure.

Place Called His

It's Friday already. Almost time for meditation, edging. The time of night and the time of week that is so condusive to just reflective thinking and resulting feelings.

Master's gifts this week have been many. In return i wish i could write about them in a deep and profound way or i wish i could write them into a story for Him. i know He'd like that. Something written so that He'd go WOW or better yet, go mmmmmmmmm, My slut. Or something to make Him laugh. i love making Him smile and laugh. His laugh is so warm and wraps around me like a binding to hold me still to Him.

Master sometimes says He spoils me and i feel as though He does. He gives me a place to be. That is a gift. He gives me a place to be His. That's the greater gift.

That place He's given me called "His" is where i am free to freefall as His slut and as a slut. It's a place where i don't have to weigh the choices, the choices are His to make. It's a place to freely feel and experience anything He chooses as my service to Him. i don't even have to worry about when or where. It all just seems to work out.

In this place called "His" He's guided me into His service rather than my self service. i understand much better now how i must remove all notions and actions of my control from our relationship. It was pretty painful for me to see that i had not given up quite as much as i thought i had and He still stuck with me and pulled me through that muck. Yesterday He said peeling the layers away from me is like peeling an onion... with each layer come my tears, lots of them. It hurts me, hurts good. There is no judgment in those words about peeling the layers away, just tender honesty.

This week He gave me the gift of visually seeing His cock while i pleasured Him. Master has such access to my mind that i can see Him now at my mouth as though He was actually above me as i kneel before Him. He is vivid in my mind and that's a gift. He allowed me to bring Him pleasure this week. i hope there are many more ways i can in the future.

This week He's also helped me with technical stuff with my computer. That's ongoing but will sort out soon enough i think.

So now it's time to take the more tangible gifts that Master has given me.... His voice, His shields and the pillow i can hold when i miss Him along with His guided meditation and meet Him for a while. i need to edge for Him. i need to work His cunt for Him.

i have far to go, and so looking forward to continuing this walk.

Understanding crystallinese

The wireless is being cooporative ..... smiles... so better write write write while i can. This blog is the place i communicate to you and i must remember that purpose. Again i tell myself that it is unedited and uncut.

i have a certain need to write emotionally right now but i think i'll let that simmer a while and maybe these emotions and physical feelings that are so heightened can be put to good use in service to You later on. Doing my best to not get mushy ;)....

Just about three months ago give or take a few hours we started talking privately, Master. i don't know that i had many expectations.... it's fairer to say that i was open to possiblities and i had comfortable instincts about you. We'd chatted in groups casually for a few years so maybe that little foundation was enough to provide to me enough safety to move to speaking privately. i know it doesn't matter how, it just matters that we did.... smiles.

Our walk together thus far has so totally exceeded anything i could have imagined. You "get me". As you have said, You speak crystallinese. i hope that You feel as though i "get You" because i feel that i do. My hope, and it's a big hope, is that i can continue to enrich Your life by belonging to and serving You.

The New Start

The romantic in me just couldn’t wait for the day I would find my “One” .... my Sir or Master. When I would have to ask to use the bathroom or to come. When I’d be required to account for my time and when I’d be required to make time for Him ahead of myself. All that. I enjoy making time for the man in my life and I enjoy telling him what I have done with my days and nights. But that isn’t the same as being required to.

As life would have it, things didn’t work out quite that way. When the time came for me to introduce the idea of D/s to my Mr. and when the deer in the headlights expression faded from his face, we decided that we should see what should be done to bring him up to speed about this thing that I so desperately wanted (and need) called lifestyle D/s. So I ordered some books. We went to the kinky sex shop. We looked online at toys and at informative websites and on his own he looked up D/s and S&M in psychological websites to see if it was even healthy. I really sweat that one out for a while.

Not only did I want a Sir, I wanted to say it. To say the word Master. We tried it and when I said Master to him it sounded so fake that we cracked up. It didn’t push any of his buttons I guess and I suppose I didn’t really believe it enough to pass on the energy to him. “Sir” lasted a little while longer but even that faded after a while. Maybe I should try it again.

About the 4th time I asked for permission to pee I got a glare and an only slightly peeved response something like “I don’t care”.... so, okay ... just a little dead end there.

But all of that was over a year ago. Maybe it’s time to try again?

So the other day I brought up the idea of punishment, you know, like “what if you asked me to do something and I didn’t will you punish me?” and “maybe when I do something you don’t like I need to be punished” and I got that look again, the only slightly peeved look with a response of “I do not want to punish you.”

Okay. Another little dead end not to mention that I just hate it when I am so wishy washy about asking for what I need. But why is it so hard for me to just tell him all of these things that I write about in here? Because it requires a level of emotional soul baring that is uncomfortable.

Maybe I should take my own advice, the advice I gave to kitten about sharing her secret fantasies with her Master.... be myself. Dress submissively, ask for permission to read, and begin at the beginning.

There's Hope

Saturday. Chores-yuck.... but it does feel good to have the beds changed, paperwork filed away.... you know how it is.

"What a busy girl you've been this morning" Mr. said as he climbed the stairs and saw the laundry ready to be carried downstairs. That pushed my submissive buttons and i went on to describe just how busy a girl i'd been. "I've been a good girl getting all of this done" as i kissed him and he agreed and bent me over the soft pillows and comforter gathered on the foot of our bed.

His hard cock behind the buttons of his jeans rubbed across my ass and his hands pushed me further into the bedding. As he ground himself into me, his hands slid under the cups of my bra, teasing and his teeth found my neck. "i love being made useable to you" i murmered. "you do, huh... " i struggled.... bites hurt... and he wrapped a handfull of my hair through his fingers and pushed my face into the mattress and whispered "i think you need a little plug", pulled my pants down around my knees and walked to the side of the bed, leaving me exposed and waiting.

The big toobox opened and i watched as he found what he needed. "i don't think thongs have much use except for one thing" i said as he lubed the tip of the plug. "oh? what's that" "to hold the plugs in" ..... smiles... and i heard the floor creak as he walked back around me. How can 5 steps seem to take such a long time?! i felt fingers spreading me open, oh gawd, he's looking up my ass... then the cold wet lubed plug easing in. Heaven.

i thought he was done, i thought he'd have me pull up my pants and get on with the day. But he wasn't.

i heard the belt buckle rattle. The sound of the jeans opening. Am i going to get the belt across my ass..... i hope so, soooo hope so. But not today. Today is about me being used for his pleasure, and he took his by covering the small of my back with his cum.

He cleaned me up, pulled up my pants, and walked away.

He is my soul mate on many levels. I've known him for 37 years. He has an inventory of my baggage and loves me anyways. He knows of the deep need in me to be used, owned, objectified, hurt-in-love, made accountable, punished..... and doesn't really understand any of it. So when there are days like today when he has sought me out for his pleasure, the fire in me is quenched for a time. i am grateful. And i hold hope in that we might find and push his dominant buttons. Who knows, maybe someday he'll feel the need enough, or feel safe enough to express. If it's in him.

i accept

i'm not serving anyone right now, not in the traditional sense of a submissive/slave serving a Dominant and each party understanding the dynamics involved. (How funny to use the word traditional with slave and Dominant :).) It makes me so restless. When i am not being used my radar works overtime running in the background of every thing i do looking for the "fit", the "connection", some little "fix" to quench the needs. i don't even mean sexual, or sensual. Just the feeling of the "fit" if even for a moment.

i've been taught that acceptance is key, and i believe that it is. i accept that i made a choice for what i felt was a higher good for myself and my family when i walked away from a D/s relationship back into my vanilla life. i accept that in doing so i have been blessed and have brought family healing. i accept that i must be careful right now because i'm vulnerable and i accept that i will probably not be satisfied until i can serve in the deep and magnified manner of a slave/sub's service.

i feel as though the D/s relationship is a deeper and magnified version of vanilla relationships both in the sexual and non-sexual sense. Not talking about M/s or BDSM here, but in the purity of serving one another with O/our unique gifts. If we could all be just a little more attentive and a little more willing to go the extra mile, imagine what our world would be like. So, in the meantime, i will continue to find ways to serve within the greater good of family, friends, and profession because i do have something very lovely to give and good things always come back, don't they?

Serving Smartly

What a busy time this is!

Going back to work tomorrow and the kids will all be here thru the 2nd or 3rd of Jan...i've noticed that as much as i give, and i do it joyfully, and it is lots (as a mom does for kids, and wives sometimes do for husbands), i still find that i have a long way to go before i put the needs of general other people before me. What i mean is that i can improve on my servant attitude, i think.

Maybe this is something other than submitting to One. i know there must be balance and i know that a submissive does not need to give and give and give always to anyone for anything (this may be what we do, tho, until we have someone to serve?). Maybe a wonderful effect of serving a dominant makes it possible to use smart boundaries with the others in my life so i am not just burning out serving willy-nilly.

More On Obediance

This morning i wanted to write more about the vanilla request that i wrote about on thursday. About obediance for the sake of obediance? Obediance when nobody really cares about the outcome?..... is it enough that i care about the outcome? When the person requesting (or ordering) ... does not make clear whether this is a "firm" order, no modifications.... or is this "general"... done to further an idea along and the timing is not critical.... I am talking about submitting to my husband.... as well as thinking about how this works in an online relationship.....
Sometimes i think maybe i overthink things. The fact is that i am married to a man who doesn't have interest in the power exchange. I'm lucky that he enjoys a kinky thing now and then if i ask for it. But there is still this sub woman (me) who, while obediant, still would like to be acknowledged for it. If i do a good job, i like to know. If i do a half assed job, i need to be called on it. If i skip it, i need to be punished.

I would just like to know what it's like to have this level of accountability. And what if it doesn't happen? How do i change around my mind?

What is a girl to do?

I had the experience today of being on the receiving end of a very vanilla request.

When my husb and i returned from shopping, and he was on his way to a meeting, he said he'd be in the mood for a quickie and invited me to take care of myself in the meantime. How does a submissive slut like me turn that into useable service? Should it matter? If i am a "toy", or an object to be used, should it matter to me how the work is presented to me?

No Title

A thought i woke with this morning is how a submissive relates to her world throughout the day.... to her family and others she comes into contact with. i'd like to share my views about this life.

More later.... my 8:30 to 5:00 "time to serve" is approaching... I like to do a good job and be pleasing. I'll be thinking of how i can best serve my bosses and coworkers, how i can best serve by the way i conduct myself, how i can best serve my family, and how i can best see that my submissive nature is fed and growing, all the while keeping the heat turned up inside my kinky little self.