Submissive Being or Doing

i don't like labels but i seem to like definitions. Maybe it's because definitions give information and allow people to plug the knowledge into their existing knowledge base. Labels are just kind of -YIKES- black and white. Why do i have such an issue with labels??

Using labels is helpful for a cook to know the difference between bottles cayenne pepper and cinnamon..... i know that they're important in lots of ways. They give people a common ground upon which to build and interact .......

Maybe the issue is that when people make up their minds about something and slap a label on it and when that something is not a concrete or stable thing but is flowing and alive and interactive and changing, the label has to allow for that with fluidity.

The other day i was thinking along the lines of being a submissive or doing submission. i can't remember it now even tho i remembered it 10 min ago. Another escaped 'ah ha' moment lolol middle age, gotta love it! i know it'll come back to me and then i can finish this thought. The jist of it was... i think... that submission is a state of mind and so many people think submission is about doing stuff or having stuff done to them. What about this..... maybe the "doing stuff" is out of obediance and it becomes submission when the obediance is to the one i've placed my .... self. Still not sure here.

It seems like submission is a need and a craving for me. It builds and builds and builds and then when there is release by submitting, i'm good for a time. oh wow .... now understanding that one of my needs for submission must be to have a strong patriarch.... don't want to use "daddy" because i don't know about that.... but i have craved strong male control always and rarely had it. Someone who keeps me from getting away with stuff .... someone to stop me in my tracks. i felt like i knew this before but now i understand that this is big.

i search and search within my relationships in r/l and it's like i'm asking "won't somebody do this? won't somebody step up and take this from me??" it just hasn't happened.

On another topic, i read excerpts from this book a long time ago and now there is a book. This book i will order today.... The Control Book by Peter Masters.... finally, a book that is about the psychology of D/s and not a how to bdsm book.
link to excerpt: http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

Do i Like Being Fenced

Had another thought just randomly become clear this afternoon about fences or... rules.

i like rules most of the time. i admit i like the rules that i like and don't much care for other rules. i need to work on that i think.

i like for decisions to be made for me.... some of the time. i also like to make my own rules about some things and make my own decisions about some things. I like it all so much that it's about all i have thought about all day. It's just so good is all i can say again and again.

Chains and Other Drugs

Now it's Saturday night at about 8:30. Having some trouble writing what i want to write about chains but it is emotional. i close my eyes and imagine the sounds. i imagine the sound of the clanking, i imagine the lock being threaded through the loose end and being locked.... maybe locked to my collar with a padlock. i can feel the coldness of the metal and it won'[t be long now before the cold becomes warm and because metal holds heat, and metal is strong, i can wrap it around me, or around my wrists to hug to me. It's like being held on to. i can feel the chain tucked between my legs. i wonder if i am allowed to do that, to pull it up between my lips and pull it back and forth. i wonder if someday i won't be allowed to touch any part of me sexually unless given permission. i read of that in blogs sometimes. Or i wonder if while being chained i would have no privacy.... i read of that also. i wonder how the use of the chain imprints dominance into me. i wonder how it imprints dominance into him.

It's impossible to know.

Fence

It must be very hard work to be someone's Dominant.

There is a story that circulates among people who teach young children and the same principles apply here. Someone did a study about young children. The teacher and a group of children walked out of a building into an empty yard without play equipment or fencing or any boundaries. The children stayed fairly close to the teacher where they felt safe. Most didn't go out to explore or play. Another time, the teacher and a group of children walked out of the building into the yard where there was some play equipment and a large field bordered by a fence. The children used all of the yard and all of the toys and didn't huddle around the teacher because the entire space felt safe to them.

This was an example of how most people need boundaries. They need to know where they feel safe and protected, where they can play without being harm or doing harm.

So i am imagining that a Dom is like being the fence, or constructing the fence for his sub. He needs to maintain it and make sure that there are things inside of the play yard that will encourage his sub and help develop her into the woman they hope she'll be someday. What an incredible task. Without the fencing, the boundaries, the safety, we may be fearful and we don't venture from our little tiny safe box. Or some of us may wander too far and get into trouble.

I have been told a time or two by about 10 or 20 people that i think too much and might benefit from just believing or accepting. So, to a fearful one like me who imagines that the fence might have holes in it where i can either get out or "things" can come in, i need to trust that the fence is built strong and will hold. And it does not need constant maintenance.

Serving Smartly

What a busy time this is!

Going back to work tomorrow and the kids will all be here thru the 2nd or 3rd of Jan...i've noticed that as much as i give, and i do it joyfully, and it is lots (as a mom does for kids, and wives sometimes do for husbands), i still find that i have a long way to go before i put the needs of general other people before me. What i mean is that i can improve on my servant attitude, i think.

Maybe this is something other than submitting to One. i know there must be balance and i know that a submissive does not need to give and give and give always to anyone for anything (this may be what we do, tho, until we have someone to serve?). Maybe a wonderful effect of serving a dominant makes it possible to use smart boundaries with the others in my life so i am not just burning out serving willy-nilly.

Talking versus Writing

It's not easy for some people to write down their thoughts. It is much easier for them to just talk.... a phone call, a visit....

some communicate so well just in talking.....

i am a person who communicates better by writing.....

i've gotten better at organizing my thoughts and saying what i mean and i think writing helps.

Story Time

I'm thinking it is time to begin introducing things into my primary relationship. Maybe if he reads or has me read to him about what a D/s or M/s relationship is like via erotica.... he'll get some ideas about the dynamics.

Now that i have this idea, we have kids all over the house. :) Life is good.

Information

Sometimes it helps to just read what other people write.

Because i have a huge interest in the psychology of D/s and i don't think there's lots written about it...... mostly we read about kinky stuff and bdsm....

i found this article to be very interesting and i think i'll read it a number of times......

http://www.steel-door.com/command_training.htm

Pleasing

There is a symbiotic relationship between a Dom and a sub. One of the ways this occurs is in how we please one another....

it has been said that subs are natural pleasers. i think Doms also want to please.....

What are some ways of a sub pleasing her Dom?

• being accountable, consistently
• lifting him up... meaning putting his needs before her own, not to the exclusion of her needs, but in addition to.... knowing that in meeting His needs, hers will be met.... anything other than working to this goal and i think things are off kilter....
• presenting herself well in a way that honors Him..... not only physically but in her manner of speaking to him and what she says... how she says it.... putting him first in the eyes of others and soooo importantly, MAKING him first in her eyes and in her world as much as is possible

Now, how about turning all of those around and apply as a Dom taking care of his little one? smiles...... it's beautiful, isn't it? i don't think it is at all vanilla....

This works because W/we know our place.... we know who we are..... I would not ever want to top Sir from the bottom.... it is not a "power-over" situation from either point of view. Nothing passive aggressive, nothing aggressive, nothing totally passive, it is purely taking care of one another within the framework of Dominance and submission. Knowing my place as He knows His. i love my place under Him. i want to serve him.

i know this is a simplification... life is so complex .... i'll never understand why and how it works, maybe it is just because you are you and i am me....

Balance

I think i've run out of things to talk about, at least for a time. Don't have any big things weighing on my mind. oh wait a sec, maybe there is something....

How does a sub achieve balance in all parts of life? I mean, i do alright maintaining a decent balance between work and home and responsibilities.... seems like work takes most of my time and energy but outside of work, the chores i really have to do get done. I guess i'm wondering about submitting and if it should be a part of my thought life most of the time? How do i maintain a balance?

Maybe it's like being on a diet. Let's say somebody's on a diet. They don't "work" the diet constantly in a way that dieting is all they do at the exclusion of other priorities. But it's there planned for and put into action and being worked so that there is success.

So maybe D/s balance is similar.... we don't "work" it constantly at the exclusion of other priorities but it is always there with the reminders of the tasking helping me along so that when Sir desires action from me, he gets it :). Yes, this last sentence "did it for me" :)).

Grey

Every morning begins with thoughts of this journal. Sometimes topics come clearly, sometimes i haven't a clue, but this short time has taught me that thoughts will bubble up as needed and time will make itself available and here we go.....

Thinking today about the movie called Gone Baby Gone. I like "escape" movies, but i also love to have my mind fully engaged. This one kept me thinking. On the surface this movie is a story about a lost child, an alcoholic mother and police corruption.... maybe some social injustice thrown in... but to me shows us so powerfully that life is not black and white but is largely grey.... what seems so perfectly right is also so perfectly wrong. At the same time it defends the principle of the slippery slope.... that once one small step is taken in the direction away from society's or one's personal limits, the next is easier and pretty soon we're at the bottom of the hill looking up at what was once our life, or principles, or belief system. It was probably our thinking within the "shades of grey" area that took us down the slope.

I'm not making a value judgment as to whether this is right or wrong or positive or negative. What i'm saying is that life stretches us if we allow it to or even in spite of ourselves so maybe it's a good idea to invite the change and stretch rather than fight it off. And as we step down the slope, we can look back from time to time to see if this is, indeed, the place we hope to be.

This is supposed to be my journal of submission and i'm not sure what this has to do with submitting. I think, though, that it's another admission to and affirmation of myself that this is the right place to be. Sir said that the two paths are not at odds.... loving my vanilla life and relationships while at the same time submitting to him. I am both of those women....And i believe that and admit that. I'll even call it a win-win. I'm a submissive woman within a D/s life and a vanilla life at the same time. The struggle is because this path is unconventional (however not uncommon). My little black-grey-white meter dial flips all over the place which just shows what.... growth? that i have a ways to go? dunno.... it's not upsetting .... i just think it challenges me which probably stirs up some uncomfortableness....

maybe that's it.... the nugget of the day.... challenge stirs up uncomfortable things.... how i do look forward to Sir challenging me to draw out every ounce of me to allow me to give it all to him

my gratitude to you, Sir.....

yours,
me

More and Maybe Some Light This Time

The middle of the night sure brings out the whinies doesn't it? That last post is something! Actually i am glad it's there because it's all true and all part of figuring this out.

After i wrote that i stood in a hot shower for a very long time, just thinking some more. I know i've talked about some of this before but i suppose i'm still working it thru... and that is....

that it's not about me, it is about submission. It's my submission and that's where i do come in to make it mine because it's my need to express. A Need.

It's all a balance. It can never be just and only about any one person or something is probably very unhealthy. It's really about taking care of each other with the power dynamic in place.

Another thing we've talked about more than once is that it's not only about sex. What i think is happening at home is that i look for the power exchange to happen in a sexual, BDSM way because it doesn't happen at the interpersonal level and probably won't. BINGO i think i'm onto something. Power Exchange Need translating into "sexual Need" which is actually better defined as sexual want. And what i desire so very much is for the power exchange to happen at the interpersonal level. If it happens there, it will naturally follow that it happens sexually as well.

The Dark

Real world..... Last night i tried to explain to my H, tried to put "me" into words, tried to explain this sub girl's wants but i think it's about needs and it's about me and i want it to be about someone else to such extreme...... and i don't know how to get us on the same page. And i think that is what is my responsibility.... getting him into my library, my book and eventually on the same page.

my intensity and need for intensity... my neediness which i suppose is the not so nice way of saying that yes, wrap me up in chains and make me yours.... my darkness.... ditto the last thought.... the depths i want to go.....

and in response i get a gaze....

i know that in these ways he is not the yin to my yang
he is not the D to my s

he tries to understand and thinks maybe we need counselling? sex counselling? he realizes that his drive is so less than mine....

i say no, don't think so... i don't think that this little bump in the road sends us to an "expert".... but yes, i'm concerned that we were both home for a week and the hooks in the basement never saw use....

i find that he is a bit resentful of those hooks and what they represent... a lot of work on his part and no return...

but what we decided is that it is my responsibility to bring him into this world, this darkness, to tell him about my fantasies, to seed his mind with stories and ideas, like my mind has been seeded....

i asked him if he thought it was wrong to be thinking sexually at 3:00 in the afternoon rather than thinking about washing coffee pots or whatever it is he thinks about instead of fucking...

he said no, not wrong, just different

he knows i need to live life on a more intense level than he does.... no, i don't like roller coasters and high risk bu....t i have a need to feel at a level that scares me sometimes.... feeling emotionally and physically and intellectually...

he agreed that my mind is a place that he can barely comprehend and he's known me for more than 30 years....

so, ok... i can do this... otherwise, how will he ever know ... i can share with him a little bit

and we agreed that it will be my job to find "things" online.... he mentioned kama sutra ..... i mentioned some erotica.... he's ok with it...

i asked him if he can accept me, all of me, all of my thoughts.... otherwise i go to that alone place and draw further away from him.... i said we are too young to be platonic and i just don't want to live that way... we agreed that sex is like number 4 on the human need/drive list so, let's have some

More On Obediance

This morning i wanted to write more about the vanilla request that i wrote about on thursday. About obediance for the sake of obediance? Obediance when nobody really cares about the outcome?..... is it enough that i care about the outcome? When the person requesting (or ordering) ... does not make clear whether this is a "firm" order, no modifications.... or is this "general"... done to further an idea along and the timing is not critical.... I am talking about submitting to my husband.... as well as thinking about how this works in an online relationship.....
Sometimes i think maybe i overthink things. The fact is that i am married to a man who doesn't have interest in the power exchange. I'm lucky that he enjoys a kinky thing now and then if i ask for it. But there is still this sub woman (me) who, while obediant, still would like to be acknowledged for it. If i do a good job, i like to know. If i do a half assed job, i need to be called on it. If i skip it, i need to be punished.

I would just like to know what it's like to have this level of accountability. And what if it doesn't happen? How do i change around my mind?

Boots

mmmmmm warm bodies under warm covers......

Your boot is gliding along my slit and it brings instant wetness. It's not my slit, it's yours. You allow me to use it because it pleases you to do so. And because it pleases you i am putty in your hands. i am throbbing.

Your boot pushes up against my lips, not yet making way into the softer, wetter hidden parts. My mind hears your demand to pull my lips apart, so i do. I scooped from the pool of wet pussy, tasted, and then felt your boot tip touching that sensitive spot at the bottom of my opening. When you kiss me you'll taste pussy. I crave your fingers inside of me, stroking the wetness up along side of my clit, around it, moving the hood.... that hood that is yours and will be ringed as a symbol of what i am. This time i want to cum. I don't know whether i am allowed to or not. Tonight i want to cum on your boot, cum on your fingers. i can almost do it but can't quite get there. I don't know if i'm even allowed to cum. Slut won. Slut said get your vibe and cum for him.... he lit this fire in you, show him....

I once read somewhere that the long term denial of orgasms for men works well for them in that it builds the need to a near painful level. And for women it doesn't work like that. We love to be toyed with, brought close, practiced, practiced. Mind prepared, body follows. mmmmmmm

What is a girl to do?

I had the experience today of being on the receiving end of a very vanilla request.

When my husb and i returned from shopping, and he was on his way to a meeting, he said he'd be in the mood for a quickie and invited me to take care of myself in the meantime. How does a submissive slut like me turn that into useable service? Should it matter? If i am a "toy", or an object to be used, should it matter to me how the work is presented to me?

Triad

Because i am in an established and long term vanilla relationship and made the difficult choice to actually go back to it after living alone and with a Master for a time, i sometimes wonder how and if i will ever be able to serve in a true D/s fashin again.

i was once invited to join an established M/f couple. This is how i understood it to work and still do.....it works for me to be a beta at the invitation of the alpha, and then the Master.

i don't feel like i can serve a Master who is single or has no sub because i can't provide the contact he'd need.

i'm not sure if i can meet the needs of a Master who is also in a vanilla relationship with someone else. So, is poly the answer?

I can't serve a Master who has a submissive already because of the f/f dynamic. I'll explain...

In order for a triad to work, the primary sub must desire it first and foremost. Her thinking must be something like this... she must have a desire to have a submissive for the "C/couple"... she must find her pleasure and service in sharing that submissive-beta with her Master because it pleases him. There is zero room for jealousy and if the beta has designs on coming in and taking the place of the alpha, that's grounds for packing bags.

What's Involved

What of the belief that "affection" or "love" or feelings of that nature do not necessarily belong within the D/s relationship. That D/s is about service and not the more vanilla concepts of "romance". i do believe that we choose our D/s belief system based upon our own needs as our egos dictate, and based upon our upbringings and relationship histories.

Here's my disclaimer statement :) : There's room for much diversity in the lifestyle, not only sexually but in interrelational preferences. No one right way. I can see how background, family of origin, intellectual conceptualizing, personality all fit into how we each see ourselves in service as a person of Dominance or submission.

Would you agree that human beings are wired to have a need for deep interpersonal relationships and that we have been given this gift of the ability to connect with others thru love?.... the greeks had several words to express different types of love.... let's see if i can remember them.... eros is passionate love or romantic love or a love that is "more than" friendship-love. Philia, like "philadelphia" is a friendship love, or fellowship like we have between friends and family. Agape is somewhere inbetween eros and philia.... holding a person in very high regard maybe like a teacher has for his or her students or vice versa, or maybe between mentor and student.... there is a word for the love a parent would have for a child, and lastly, a word for "i love chocolate" type of love or... something that might mean "i have so much fun with you and you make me happy and i just LUV you" :)) like "I (heart) NY".

This does not really address the feelings of lust which isn't love, it's sexual drive.

So, within these descriptions, can we admit that there is room for love in a D/s relationship? How can there not be? I believe humans naturally have these feelings.... as i said, and if a person cannot plug in here, i would assume that there's been some awful emotional damage done.

Does the vanilla concept of romance belong in a D/s relationship? I think it can for some people. I've heard it said that a sub, in order to fully and completely please and serve her master must love him deeply and the master, because he must maintain a certain "separateness" in order to impose the discipline and order that he must, has to be careful to keep those "love blinders" off.

What if there was no love at all between any master or any sub anywhere in the lifestyle? Would we just be little robots? Isn't our capacity to care and love a beautiful thing? As human beings, are we not called to love?

Here's a thought... Some subs may be able to serve fully and completely and deeply by loving the "service" passionately rather than the master. Interesting.

And what about the little subbie who is "in love with the idea or ideal"? Disaster? Gets her collar and then what?

More of the Story

They were always "there".... not on a daily basis or a weekly basis even... Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes months would pass, but always "there" for when i wandered back into their lives with a question, or a need, or a clarification, or a hug.

He was the first person who challenged me about the extent of my submissive nature. I denied it. He challenged me about it being a Need and i said no, not a need but i am curious and at that time of life i was curious and i was in the process of disolving a marriage and discovering myself. Like so many middle aged women, i'd completely lost track of myself and had no understanding at all of what made me tick.
I knew they'd hoped to have a beta join them and for a time in early 2006 it looked like that person might be me. But the prospect of waiting another couple of years was unthinkable to me.... I'd been living alone for a year or so and i had not felt the sexual touch of another person for more than a year... about a year and a half, so with their blessing, i met a Dom in my city and began a relationship with him.

At the same time, decisions needed to be made as to whether or not i would go back home and because life is not simple, and my choices were to have great effect on 3 other people at the very least (and 2 of those i love more than anyone), i made the choice to leave my Sir and go home.

My thinking at that time and still is today is that my mister loved and loves me, never gave up, my children were watching and saw their dad do lots of hard work, and i knew with a large amount of certainty, that he was not the same man i'd lived with and left. The moral high road was to go back. The reasons for leaving were no longer there. I also knew that this dominant was not my lifetime "One".

I'd kept in touch with my two "footholds" in the lifestyle and they understood. They understood because he'd had to make a choice also except he'd chosen to leave his traditional life for the lifestyle and to live with the love of his life and a chance to live as the dominant, openly. I couldn't do that.

My husband and i were close to being strangers when i moved back. We had to establish emotional intimacy and then, later on, phyisical intimacy. I told him of my kinky desires, my submissive nature, what i'd learned about the lifestyle and just anything imaginable as i shared with him what i hoped our lives would look like from there on. I was pretty much convinced that there was a "real" dominant hiding in there.... just had to find those deep buttons and push them.

He didn't get me "flying" like my former Sir had.... but i fell in love all over again and realized that nobody can have it all.... we make choices, and usually choices are not black and white but shades of grey. We do what we can with what we have which is what i've done.

As the months went by and we moved along into summer. i expressed some frustration in not being taken deep enough. I was enjoying the bdsm.... hubby and i'd bought some toys, i got to be slutty sometimes, got to be flogged, etc.... but i just couldn't "feel it" feel the domination from him.... most of the little "things" i'd try to use to bolster or bring out his dominance fell on unhearing ears or he'd think they were silly. He didn't want to be called master, or sir. Didn't care about disciplining me. Didn't want to give me permission... he'd say if you want to go do it.

And it's ok.... because he is who he is... One day my long time D/s friend said.... we both know your husband is not a true by nature dominant. And i was soooo pissed! And after a month or so, i came back and admitted it. It was true. So the 3 of us set upon the task of working with what i had to work with, and focusing on my family and my home and what i love.... always, always just helping me work with what i had and helping me trouble shoot if needed. She wrote me, agreeing with me that i could not live with myself if i had a local "affair"... the guilt would be awful. Yet i can't deny that i have submissive needs that can stay at a low simmer for a very long while, but if not dealt with, tend to blow.

Acceptance

One might wonder with a title of "Acceptance" that i intend to write about accepting myself as a submissive person. But this is not what's on my mind. I accepted it long ago..... the challenge now is if or why or how i express this quality within the life (and i don't mean Lifestyle) i have chosen.

Put aside thoughts of cuffs and ropes and collars and ball gags and blindfolds. Don't even think about using "Sir" or "Master" in conversation. Cravings? Fetish clothing? After stripping those "Standards of the Lifestyle", what is left to allow some sort of expression? How important is it to exercise submissive expression? I wonder if i've put too much importance on Expression of the lifestyle. Maybe it's best to accept my life choice.

Maybe the desire goes where the mind goes so control the mind and there follows the desire.

Outward Signs

I've been thinking this morning of those outward signs.... some signs may be more outward than others, and some signs may actually be instigated by the sub rather than her Dominant.

Seems to be several things going on here....

• The Dominant may indicate that he has a preference for a particular outward sign. He desires her to comply with his wishes, she desires to please him by doing so.

• The submissive may indicate an interest in acquiring an outward sign or symbol. The Dominant may choose to encourage her in that direction ..... or not.

• It may or may not be important that an outward sign of her Sir's choosing be "ok'd" by the submissive and it depends upon where in the relationship they are.... if they are at a point where she is his, completely.... or if she is his slave, then giving the "ok" is probably not an option by the sub/slave.

• If it's going to happen, they'll both anticipate it which heightens the pleasurable thoughts and deepens the Dominant and submissive feelings. I wonder if the anticipation helps "grow the bond"?

• Once the outward sign is in place, it is a constant reminder to both of who they are as a couple. I would think that it goes to another level for the submissive in that it deeply symbolizes that she IS a submissive woman .... so much so that she is willing to wear a symbol of the fact.

• It may be a constant sign of ownership, as in a collar or other piece of jewelry.

• For me, i enjoy wearing my play collar, not as a symbol of ownership, but because it puts me into a submissive mind-set.

• It may be a requirement to wear or not to wear something.

• It may be an erotic pleasure---- as with the ring

A Need or a Want?

I'll try to answer my own questions .... my questioning is constant, self doubt creeps in and i wonder if sometimes i am making this "need" up.... but i don't think so.

We are two equals, one wishing to give and the other wishing to receive in the power exchange. All the power is shifted willingly, leaving the other to feel the surrender and the feelings that go along with surrender of being helplessly used.

I feel that a natural submissive NEEDS to be used, does not just simply want it.

Outside of the sexual relationship, and maybe even including the sexual relationship, i feel that i need to serve, to please, to be taken, used in all ways (not only in sex). If i ask permission it makes me feel connected to the one more powerful than i.... there is pleasing tension as i wait to ask permission and then wait for the answer... rather than just jumping in and doing as i please. I want to clarify that i can work very well on my own and am goal oriented.

I seek praise, structure, and displine. Within these qualities i find strength and safety in knowing that the one i submit to is powerful... whether that be my dominant or my boss.

It is important that the one more powerful than i care enough to praise me or punish me. Without sincere praise or punishment, how do i know that i am noticed? And that circles back to needing to be pleasing. I can't be an invisible sub. Also, if i feel that just anything and everything i do is "ok", that feels fake... feels like fake praise and doesn't mean a lot. It's important to me that what i do has meaning attached to it so much that i do, especially because so often i do to please...

I need structure, to be made accountable... otherwise i am all over the place and get away with way too much. I know that i test to get a reaction, to find out if anyone cares.... and i don't like that passive/agressive behaviour in myself or in anyone else... I need to be made to do my best, no cutting corners and shortcuts.

This is why D/s works for me. It is a need due to the way i am wired. It is how i relate interpersonally.

Illusion or No?

Today i wonder how much a person determines their path by the power of their own thoughts. Given that each of us grows well into adulthood and are formed by a process of our natures but also our nurture, how much of a peace filled life is created by accepting life as is? And how much is created by working towards a more fullfilling goal. What if we always strive to view the glass as half full and be thankful for that?

Some years ago i saw myself in the descriptions of submissives. I'm happy that i did. So, now that i know and accept, what's next? Accept and get on with life, business as usual? Do i work at keeping a heightened sense of submissive self? What happens if i don't? Do these desires in me become fueled by what i put into my mind? Or do the thoughts in my mind grow there out of natural need to find expression?

No Title

A thought i woke with this morning is how a submissive relates to her world throughout the day.... to her family and others she comes into contact with. i'd like to share my views about this life.

More later.... my 8:30 to 5:00 "time to serve" is approaching... I like to do a good job and be pleasing. I'll be thinking of how i can best serve my bosses and coworkers, how i can best serve by the way i conduct myself, how i can best serve my family, and how i can best see that my submissive nature is fed and growing, all the while keeping the heat turned up inside my kinky little self.

Rainy Day

It seems like i awake every morning and wonder about being a submissive. I sometimes wonder "why" but dismiss that because i just simply accept it as a product of nature and nurture... it is what it is :). Sometimes i wonder if i really need to know anything else or develop beyond the knowing. So, i suppose that is where i am today... do i really need to know anything else and develop beyond just the knowing.

It is not as though i don't believe that i am because i am very certain of it and came to terms with it several years ago. Sometimes the phrase "came to terms" has a negative connotation, and i don't mean for it to sound negative. I was on a quest to figure out the hows and whys of my interpersonal relationships and life choices and found that as a natural submissive, i was being guided by the desire to seek dominance for many years.... i don't remember a time when i wasn't searching.

i hope to develop that thought of "progressing beyond where i am now"....

Heating Up

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The Connection

i want to discover what it is, this "pure" submission.... i think i am mostly untapped... i think it goes very deep. this message will come in time take a deep breath and relax enjoy the experience.

First Obediance

Sometimes the words flow and sometimes i have to work on them. But write i must and write i will and i know that many days it will be my joy and some days it will be a struggle. i also see discipline in this writing and journalling. Full disclosure, too. Yikes!! i look forward to the discpline. Discipline has not really been required of me....