The Dark

Real world..... Last night i tried to explain to my H, tried to put "me" into words, tried to explain this sub girl's wants but i think it's about needs and it's about me and i want it to be about someone else to such extreme...... and i don't know how to get us on the same page. And i think that is what is my responsibility.... getting him into my library, my book and eventually on the same page.

my intensity and need for intensity... my neediness which i suppose is the not so nice way of saying that yes, wrap me up in chains and make me yours.... my darkness.... ditto the last thought.... the depths i want to go.....

and in response i get a gaze....

i know that in these ways he is not the yin to my yang
he is not the D to my s

he tries to understand and thinks maybe we need counselling? sex counselling? he realizes that his drive is so less than mine....

i say no, don't think so... i don't think that this little bump in the road sends us to an "expert".... but yes, i'm concerned that we were both home for a week and the hooks in the basement never saw use....

i find that he is a bit resentful of those hooks and what they represent... a lot of work on his part and no return...

but what we decided is that it is my responsibility to bring him into this world, this darkness, to tell him about my fantasies, to seed his mind with stories and ideas, like my mind has been seeded....

i asked him if he thought it was wrong to be thinking sexually at 3:00 in the afternoon rather than thinking about washing coffee pots or whatever it is he thinks about instead of fucking...

he said no, not wrong, just different

he knows i need to live life on a more intense level than he does.... no, i don't like roller coasters and high risk bu....t i have a need to feel at a level that scares me sometimes.... feeling emotionally and physically and intellectually...

he agreed that my mind is a place that he can barely comprehend and he's known me for more than 30 years....

so, ok... i can do this... otherwise, how will he ever know ... i can share with him a little bit

and we agreed that it will be my job to find "things" online.... he mentioned kama sutra ..... i mentioned some erotica.... he's ok with it...

i asked him if he can accept me, all of me, all of my thoughts.... otherwise i go to that alone place and draw further away from him.... i said we are too young to be platonic and i just don't want to live that way... we agreed that sex is like number 4 on the human need/drive list so, let's have some