It is Strength or Weakness, Health or Sickness?

A dear friend and i were at dinner one night this week. We do this about once a month and at some point during our dinners the talk always turns to our relationships. Usually we talk about sex, too, and i have shared with her about what she calls my "special needs" sexually.... BDSM. She understands bedroom and/or BDSM play but doesn't understand D/s.

We both spent many, many years married to verbally and emotionally abusive men as we raised our children. Each of us left those men with thoughts of never looking back and we each got help individually and as couples. Who knew that we women would find that we have voices and opinions and that those voices and opinions are important to be heard. Who knew that our spouses would finally get it too.

We were both submissive women too eager to please, too eager to accept another's --- anybody's --- unhealthy dominion over us, too easily sent to scramble to figure out where we miscommunicated when the shit would hit the fan. We just kept scrambling to tidy up all the loose ends because we were unable to fix that whole fabric of what was really wrong. We needed to find a voice and become healthy. For some reason we were just not willing to pack up the kids and run probably because the hurts were not visible and the abuse was done in secret. We felt that we wouldn't be believed by our children, parents or friends.

She and i were friends during much of this dysfunctional time and didn't know we were each living like this. Amazing, isn't it. But at a party one night she said something to me..... sort of a little slip that told me she was hurting.... and i invited her to dinner. At that dinner i told her my history and told her that i'd soon be moving away from my home, husband and young adult children because if i didn't i would most certainly die. And she then told me her story and we shook our heads in wonder that we'd never had the voice to share with one another or anyone else.

So at dinner the other night i began to talk about how comforting it is for me to have a person with strong broad shoulders on which to lay my burdens, how fulfilling it is to be able to completely surrender myself so as to meet another person's needs in service and how that makes me feel so complete, about how i feel there are some people in this world who love being the ones to take the burdens and make the decisions just as i love to give them up. Very simplified, yes, but about as far as i felt she could comprehend what are the beginnings of a power exchange type of relationship.

Her brows knit together as she said "That is just not healthy! Isn't it true that within a relationship, the person who is so controlling must learn to give up some of that control in order to learn to defer to others and the people who are so deferring must learn to take charge?"

Hummmmm. i wonder. i wonder if she is right. The pressure i put on myself to be "a good sub" may not be healthy. i went in a direction which was to find affirmation of who i am, a submissive person, and subsequently developed that understanding into a need and craving for that life. i pretty much found the choir that sang the virtues of D/s and joined in. Conversely, she went in the direction of the cultural understanding of mental health which is to teach a much more middle of the road approach that we call "vanilla". But i wonder if i got it right. Did i get on the bus that may not ultimately bring healing?

This is all so heavy on my mind and heart today because i am struggling with this awful feeling that i did the wrong thing with Master last night BUT i don't really think it was the wrong thing... the delivery was wrong but the message was not wrong. It's not a huge thing going on... i know we will talk it through eventually but this is the thing.... here i am feeling defensive like i used to feel when i tried but couldn't "speak up", or when i tried but couldn't "disagree" or when i just flat out got angry because i felt so powerless. This is not about BDSM, it is not about limits.

i used go over and over a situation that ended badly trying to see how i might have better explained myself, how i might have been more understanding of a position other than my own, how i should have been more patient, how i should have asked for help or more time or more information. But the thing is sometimes a negative outcome is not my fault.

Last night i was reduced... yes, reduced, to a shivering little pleaser submissive puppy dog of a woman and it doesn't feel right. It feels like i'm thrown off balance, like i can't trust my own instincts, like i will loose ground if i push my opinion. The patterns run so deep and here i am not knowing how to please and to have a voice at the same time... the fear of saying the "wrong" thing runs so deep.

The Pier

Edging.

my dress is made of a sleek finely knit jersey and the high waistline frames my breasts and allows the skirt to blow freely about my ass and thighs as i walk the length of the pier. No panties and no bra obstruct the availability to any who'd wish to enjoy.

The breeze is light but still noticeable by my nipples that are puckered and hard and straining against the bodice of the dress. i'm well aware that in this state of arousal my aureoles are bumpy and swollen and noticeable to any who view.

The need i have to spread my legs is strong. i pretend to be interested in the small bit of shell in the center of the long pier and i squat with the sole purpose of spreading my legs. The pink shimmery fragment on the wood plank gives me a target but i don't really need one, do i? i sometimes still hold on so tightly to the good girl who won't allow her bad girl to surface. Squatting i feel the lips of Master's cunt slowly separate.... the sticky fluids have dried and hold the edges together and as the lips spread the pleasure ripples through my body and i close my eyes and tilt my head back opening my mouth just barely as though ready to take a cock. Just a hole, just to be used, just to serve.

Standing now i move purposefully towards the end of the pier.... not so much to get to the end but to feel the slick lips rubbing and the wetness running. The railing is about elbows high so i rest my arms on it and my body stretches so that my ass is hiked outward. The breeze is blowing my dress between my legs and i know that my tits... Master's tits... are exposed to the nipple.

Then i hear Him. "My slut" is all He says. His hand rests on my ass and slowly traces down and his longest finger teases me thru the fabric. my breathing is shallow and rough.

As i edged to this fantasy, i felt myself there. i hear the gulls, i felt the hairs on my skin move as the breeze blew and i felt Master's deep voice travel through my body.

Meditation. i am ready to begin the meditation in service to Him, for in the practice of meditation i can so so easily go to Him any time He chooses and serve Him as completely as He sees fit.

Surrendering to Him, knowing that i serve Him, wanting only to feel Him in me and around me i trance easily. Today, for the first time, not only did i feel the pleasure that He gives but i felt His hands on me, using me like he loves to do. i felt his fingers sliding into His pussy and reaching for that sweet pleasure spot that is deep inside. Moans and shudders... holding on so tightly, feeling His every touch, each brush of His breath, each word He speaks. And then, the time is up.

Thank You for this gift, Master.

Work and Be Worked

i figured that the answer would be a simple "yes". Like the answers to most questions, though, it wasn't that simple. "Do you think it's natural for sexual energy to ebb and flow?" The answer was a "yes, but" and then "Yes, but sexual energy needs to be expanded."

i asked the question because i am concerned that i am not sexual enough. i know that my body is changing lots... some say that menopause changes a woman as much as puberty. Thankfully i still have the drive and the desire but at the same time it is just different somehow.

So what about this expanding the sexual energy idea? The meditations that Master fashioned for me are a primary way i keep in touch with my sexual feelings on a daily basis. i work hard on getting the mind and pussy working together with varying results. When it's great i can feel such pleasure deep within Master's pussy, tingles and strokes along my clit and moisture forming between my lips. When it's not so great my mind won't settle in on a mantra and it flits or drifts. So i started doing two 15 minute sessions a day to help train my mind to focus, focus, focus. Master also has me edging to keep the want growing. Today i wondered if maybe a bit of self loving the bod prior to meditation might help. Tomorrow i'll experiment. i just have to have faith that it all works for good and not obsess about easily getting or not getting the quick big "O".

So what i have come to understand about working and being worked makes so much sense. i need the work. i need the purpose. i crave it. Master knows that by putting this slut mind and body to work for His purposes gives me purpose. It's food for my spirit. And really for me it doesn't need to be sexual work for the results to make His pussy flow.... i'd serve Him in any way and i think it would be heaven.

Short Leash

One week ago i disappointed Master by my behavior. i knew better than to act the way i did but i went ahead and did "it" anyways. It wasn't a full 180 degree turn towards misbehavior but was more of a slippery slope i'd been on for a while and i just didn't know how to stop it on my own.

i don't think it's important that i reveal what i did or how Master set me straight but rest assured He did. i was a tearful, repentant, heartbroken mess in front of Him once i had confessed and realized that i had disappointed Him. He broke me. i was embarassed and humiliated. Master's pussy was dripping wet while at the same time i cried rivers of tears.

Never in my adult life had i been called out on the carpet and punished. Never. Reasons for never being punished might be because i would always make sure i did things pretty close to just right because to disappoint people in authority over me or who i cared deeply about made me feel awful. But i know i have not always done my best or done things correctly. Master is the first person, Dominant or vanilla, who has cared enough to take the time to see what was going on in my head and life and to put a stop to it in a way that was the most effective for me to learn.

i say effective because since He punished me, which includes the taking of a privilege, i feel so very cared for, so close to Him, so settled down in my spirit, and purposeful.

i don't know why it works the way it does. i'm just glad that it does. Thank You, Master. xoxoxo

Still Happily Serving

First of all, i would like to say that i deeply mourn the loss of FatBoy, my little cock dildo that i managed to bite into two pieces (i know, not a good thing at all). Master wanted "him/it" replaced right away and i couldn't fine another one because he was a unique lil fat thing. Instead i replaced him with an egg shaped plug that can't be bitten through but it's not the same. Finding a FatBoy, Jr. is on my to do list.

This has been the most beautiful spring and early summer i can remember. It's also been one of the busiest! Creative energies are being expended elsewhere and i don't seem to have the drive to blog as much as i do in the winter. It's natural, i suppose.

Master continues to draw me to Him and challenge and use me for His pleasure and the benefit is that i am so fulfilled in the process. We may not be in a position to fuck just now but His mind fuck is like nothing i've ever experienced! Through the meaningful work He has me do daily through my solo meditations and with our hypnotic scening done maybe a few times a month and with our nearly daily connecting otherwise and somehow, He can pretty much take me wherever He wants me to go and i feel as though i am there. Sometimes i focus so intently on His words that he can paint a picture during a conversation and for a short time i feel as though i am right there in that place. And because i am pretty good at describing what i see and feel, i can share it all with Him when He desires it so that we are drawn even closer and deeper into relationship.

i'm a lucky girl!