Ready

i'm ready to come back.

The new baseline is from a place that does not necessarily involve erotica, or sex, or titillation.

This new baseline is from a place of service for the sake of service. Deep and effortless servitude, working at being an example of self-discipline, recognizing my status as that of a girl who places others before me. Developing a will to obey is my hope and that out of this humility my level of obedience will grow and grow.

---- first becoming nothing, and then becoming all ----

It is my hope that, in my strength and in my work, this will be accomplished.

Decending Again

i'm not exactly sure what is happening. Or maybe i do. At the simplest, i am just simply tired of this. Tired of the online silliness of the shallow praise given by horny net geeks. ooooo crys, nice chest, ooooo crys, wow wow, ooooo crys i watch you all the time, oooooo crys,.,.... whatever they think will work to get boobs flashed or cunt spread. What a load of shit.

Wanting to do a good job at something for real praise but not having anything to do ..... oh wait .... oh yes, the showing up and sitting with a plastic smile on my face if the real heart isn't in it, best use the plastic smile.... looking like a fucking senior picture from the yearbook while laughing at the appropriate times and being witty and FUN FUN. Can't forget FUN. i am so sick of this. So sick of the shallowness of it all. The temporary nature of it just sucks because it holds so little of any worth. It's all in the head. All in the mind. Pretend.

And what i want is it to matter.

It is Strength or Weakness, Health or Sickness?

A dear friend and i were at dinner one night this week. We do this about once a month and at some point during our dinners the talk always turns to our relationships. Usually we talk about sex, too, and i have shared with her about what she calls my "special needs" sexually.... BDSM. She understands bedroom and/or BDSM play but doesn't understand D/s.

We both spent many, many years married to verbally and emotionally abusive men as we raised our children. Each of us left those men with thoughts of never looking back and we each got help individually and as couples. Who knew that we women would find that we have voices and opinions and that those voices and opinions are important to be heard. Who knew that our spouses would finally get it too.

We were both submissive women too eager to please, too eager to accept another's --- anybody's --- unhealthy dominion over us, too easily sent to scramble to figure out where we miscommunicated when the shit would hit the fan. We just kept scrambling to tidy up all the loose ends because we were unable to fix that whole fabric of what was really wrong. We needed to find a voice and become healthy. For some reason we were just not willing to pack up the kids and run probably because the hurts were not visible and the abuse was done in secret. We felt that we wouldn't be believed by our children, parents or friends.

She and i were friends during much of this dysfunctional time and didn't know we were each living like this. Amazing, isn't it. But at a party one night she said something to me..... sort of a little slip that told me she was hurting.... and i invited her to dinner. At that dinner i told her my history and told her that i'd soon be moving away from my home, husband and young adult children because if i didn't i would most certainly die. And she then told me her story and we shook our heads in wonder that we'd never had the voice to share with one another or anyone else.

So at dinner the other night i began to talk about how comforting it is for me to have a person with strong broad shoulders on which to lay my burdens, how fulfilling it is to be able to completely surrender myself so as to meet another person's needs in service and how that makes me feel so complete, about how i feel there are some people in this world who love being the ones to take the burdens and make the decisions just as i love to give them up. Very simplified, yes, but about as far as i felt she could comprehend what are the beginnings of a power exchange type of relationship.

Her brows knit together as she said "That is just not healthy! Isn't it true that within a relationship, the person who is so controlling must learn to give up some of that control in order to learn to defer to others and the people who are so deferring must learn to take charge?"

Hummmmm. i wonder. i wonder if she is right. The pressure i put on myself to be "a good sub" may not be healthy. i went in a direction which was to find affirmation of who i am, a submissive person, and subsequently developed that understanding into a need and craving for that life. i pretty much found the choir that sang the virtues of D/s and joined in. Conversely, she went in the direction of the cultural understanding of mental health which is to teach a much more middle of the road approach that we call "vanilla". But i wonder if i got it right. Did i get on the bus that may not ultimately bring healing?

This is all so heavy on my mind and heart today because i am struggling with this awful feeling that i did the wrong thing with Master last night BUT i don't really think it was the wrong thing... the delivery was wrong but the message was not wrong. It's not a huge thing going on... i know we will talk it through eventually but this is the thing.... here i am feeling defensive like i used to feel when i tried but couldn't "speak up", or when i tried but couldn't "disagree" or when i just flat out got angry because i felt so powerless. This is not about BDSM, it is not about limits.

i used go over and over a situation that ended badly trying to see how i might have better explained myself, how i might have been more understanding of a position other than my own, how i should have been more patient, how i should have asked for help or more time or more information. But the thing is sometimes a negative outcome is not my fault.

Last night i was reduced... yes, reduced, to a shivering little pleaser submissive puppy dog of a woman and it doesn't feel right. It feels like i'm thrown off balance, like i can't trust my own instincts, like i will loose ground if i push my opinion. The patterns run so deep and here i am not knowing how to please and to have a voice at the same time... the fear of saying the "wrong" thing runs so deep.

Still Happily Serving

First of all, i would like to say that i deeply mourn the loss of FatBoy, my little cock dildo that i managed to bite into two pieces (i know, not a good thing at all). Master wanted "him/it" replaced right away and i couldn't fine another one because he was a unique lil fat thing. Instead i replaced him with an egg shaped plug that can't be bitten through but it's not the same. Finding a FatBoy, Jr. is on my to do list.

This has been the most beautiful spring and early summer i can remember. It's also been one of the busiest! Creative energies are being expended elsewhere and i don't seem to have the drive to blog as much as i do in the winter. It's natural, i suppose.

Master continues to draw me to Him and challenge and use me for His pleasure and the benefit is that i am so fulfilled in the process. We may not be in a position to fuck just now but His mind fuck is like nothing i've ever experienced! Through the meaningful work He has me do daily through my solo meditations and with our hypnotic scening done maybe a few times a month and with our nearly daily connecting otherwise and somehow, He can pretty much take me wherever He wants me to go and i feel as though i am there. Sometimes i focus so intently on His words that he can paint a picture during a conversation and for a short time i feel as though i am right there in that place. And because i am pretty good at describing what i see and feel, i can share it all with Him when He desires it so that we are drawn even closer and deeper into relationship.

i'm a lucky girl!

Working Past the Self

Or maybe it's pushing self out of the way? Or maybe it's sending self away for good.

i am a selfish submissive. Don't know quite what to do about that except to keep saying "please forgive". And thank You for not giving up.

There must be this: "yes, this is what i want".... "is this what you want, crys, to serve Me...." "yes, this is what i want"..... yes yes yes this is who i want to be, Yours.

However, i don't like being the selfish submissive who keeps tracking back to her own needs. i don't want to be a selfish person. It's so ugly.

Selfish submission is maybe the same thing as easy submission for me at this point. Feel good submission. It's like chocolate... i mean, who wouldn't love it and want tastes as often as possible. i find that i want to give when my submission is so easy to give that it flows. When it takes me to a lovely place i just want more and want it to feel like that all the time.

And sometimes it's as though my submission has to pulled from me. i'm finding that as the top layers of submission are now pulled back, there are the strongholds waiting for You, Master, to dismantle one by one.

i understand now. Surrendering to submit, that's it. i'm understanding the full implications of surrender. And now i know that surrender can be so painful. So painful. Surrender is not always about warm fuzzy things. Surrender is about me getting out of the way for everything. For anything. And to follow You and serve no matter what. To serve You and to turn that pain into pleasure when need be.

Who ever called this "the gift of submission"? Aren't presents supposed to be pretty? This isn't pretty. It's uncomfortable. It's emotionally painful. The exorcism resulting from the emotional pain goes so much deeper than anything wrought from the administration of physical pain in a typical scene. The misery is that i usually don't see what's going on until it's too late to use this pain as erotic pain. The good is that now i know and can make it work and maybe some day it'll not be such a huge deal

Disappointments as Milestones

Not sure what to do with this disappointment that's so deep in my heart. i've disappointed myself because i disappointed Master.

He is kind, fair and gentle. Stern in that He doesn't put up with my stuff. He is so smart and so fun and so funny and so loving. i respect Him greatly for all that He is and for what He does in His life as a husband, father, son, professional, and friend. He gives so much of himself and His time to all of us in His life and i like to think that i offer Him enough quality and quantity of mine to make His days just a bit brighter. i just hate it that i can't be perfect for Him (smiles.... who do i think i am, anyways) (i can answer that, i am His girl, flaws and all).

i don't like it that i write these "about me" blog entries. So maybe once this is done i will focus on "about experiences" blog entires? But since this is an "about me" posting, i will continue ...... i am so self focused that i can't just get over it... maybe it's because the balance is so elusive to me, that voice of balance that i feel should be me that says "hey you girl, you messed up, you cleaned it up, get over it and get on with it". When people come to me in their angst and want to talk their stuff through, that is how i encourage them to .....but following my own advice... hmmm i guess i'm not a very good self advocate. Maybe the voice of balance should be that once the self forgiveness happens and Master's forgiveness has happened, i simply hold my chin up and get on with what ever comes next in the day. Would i learn my lesson better if i just took my lumps and moved along? Or would i learn my lesson better if i played that old tape again and again to keep making myself feel bad? (that doesn't sound helpful). Maybe it would be more helpful and a better use of time to spend less time writing about it here and more time composing something that Master would like to read over the weekend? But then again, how would He know what's going on in my mind if i don't talk about it. And then again, He seems to know what's going on with me pretty well anyways (people have a certain amount of pretictability, don't they, and submissive women maybe even more? dunno)

i read the blogs that other girls write. It seems like we all do a fair share of beating ourselves up over what grace calls "infractions" (i love that word so harsh and to the point). And we also do a pretty good job of picking ourselves up and trying harder. So that's what i'll do. Just pick myself up and try harder.

This relationship that KD and i have is precious to me. One sub friend said to me "but don't we all feel that way about our Masters?" Yes, i suppose we all do. For me, personally, this is different.

Understanding crystallinese

The wireless is being cooporative ..... smiles... so better write write write while i can. This blog is the place i communicate to you and i must remember that purpose. Again i tell myself that it is unedited and uncut.

i have a certain need to write emotionally right now but i think i'll let that simmer a while and maybe these emotions and physical feelings that are so heightened can be put to good use in service to You later on. Doing my best to not get mushy ;)....

Just about three months ago give or take a few hours we started talking privately, Master. i don't know that i had many expectations.... it's fairer to say that i was open to possiblities and i had comfortable instincts about you. We'd chatted in groups casually for a few years so maybe that little foundation was enough to provide to me enough safety to move to speaking privately. i know it doesn't matter how, it just matters that we did.... smiles.

Our walk together thus far has so totally exceeded anything i could have imagined. You "get me". As you have said, You speak crystallinese. i hope that You feel as though i "get You" because i feel that i do. My hope, and it's a big hope, is that i can continue to enrich Your life by belonging to and serving You.

Focus

i believe i have had an "ah ha" moment. It follows the line of thinking that where the mind goes so goes the body. i must do a better job keeping my mind where it needs to be so that the slut is fed. Somehow i need to do a better job at associating everyday, ordinary things to using them to trigger erotic thoughts and responses. i cannot even believe how vanilla my mind is when the coast is so totally clear to be the slut! i must learn to seize the opportunities always, in all ways, at all times.

While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.

Need to Feel

http://aslavestruenature.blogspot.com/2008/01/pain-as-reality_263.html

Feeding the Submissive

i feel that feeding the submissive....

is the giving of information from Master to submissive... hopefully me :).

This information might be visual aides, such as pictures or videos,

might be painting a picture with words to take me where he wants my mind (or body) to be,

might be pushing my buttons within the context of a conversation.

i believe that these methods and others like them are used to hardwire my sub mind.

The information might be used to teach a behavior such as how to pleasure him in a way he prefers to be pleased. Or it could be as a demonstration of technique to expand my knowledge base.

Another purpose of feeding is to keep my cravings high so that i am able to serve more deeply and immediately. And i wish to serve, to please. The more i am fed, the more i wish to please, and the result is he draws me closer and closer towards him and i become more deeply submissive to him and also in my overall submissive feelings that i carry with me through the day. And his dominance may be triggered.

Grey

Every morning begins with thoughts of this journal. Sometimes topics come clearly, sometimes i haven't a clue, but this short time has taught me that thoughts will bubble up as needed and time will make itself available and here we go.....

Thinking today about the movie called Gone Baby Gone. I like "escape" movies, but i also love to have my mind fully engaged. This one kept me thinking. On the surface this movie is a story about a lost child, an alcoholic mother and police corruption.... maybe some social injustice thrown in... but to me shows us so powerfully that life is not black and white but is largely grey.... what seems so perfectly right is also so perfectly wrong. At the same time it defends the principle of the slippery slope.... that once one small step is taken in the direction away from society's or one's personal limits, the next is easier and pretty soon we're at the bottom of the hill looking up at what was once our life, or principles, or belief system. It was probably our thinking within the "shades of grey" area that took us down the slope.

I'm not making a value judgment as to whether this is right or wrong or positive or negative. What i'm saying is that life stretches us if we allow it to or even in spite of ourselves so maybe it's a good idea to invite the change and stretch rather than fight it off. And as we step down the slope, we can look back from time to time to see if this is, indeed, the place we hope to be.

This is supposed to be my journal of submission and i'm not sure what this has to do with submitting. I think, though, that it's another admission to and affirmation of myself that this is the right place to be. Sir said that the two paths are not at odds.... loving my vanilla life and relationships while at the same time submitting to him. I am both of those women....And i believe that and admit that. I'll even call it a win-win. I'm a submissive woman within a D/s life and a vanilla life at the same time. The struggle is because this path is unconventional (however not uncommon). My little black-grey-white meter dial flips all over the place which just shows what.... growth? that i have a ways to go? dunno.... it's not upsetting .... i just think it challenges me which probably stirs up some uncomfortableness....

maybe that's it.... the nugget of the day.... challenge stirs up uncomfortable things.... how i do look forward to Sir challenging me to draw out every ounce of me to allow me to give it all to him

my gratitude to you, Sir.....

yours,
me

A Need or a Want?

I'll try to answer my own questions .... my questioning is constant, self doubt creeps in and i wonder if sometimes i am making this "need" up.... but i don't think so.

We are two equals, one wishing to give and the other wishing to receive in the power exchange. All the power is shifted willingly, leaving the other to feel the surrender and the feelings that go along with surrender of being helplessly used.

I feel that a natural submissive NEEDS to be used, does not just simply want it.

Outside of the sexual relationship, and maybe even including the sexual relationship, i feel that i need to serve, to please, to be taken, used in all ways (not only in sex). If i ask permission it makes me feel connected to the one more powerful than i.... there is pleasing tension as i wait to ask permission and then wait for the answer... rather than just jumping in and doing as i please. I want to clarify that i can work very well on my own and am goal oriented.

I seek praise, structure, and displine. Within these qualities i find strength and safety in knowing that the one i submit to is powerful... whether that be my dominant or my boss.

It is important that the one more powerful than i care enough to praise me or punish me. Without sincere praise or punishment, how do i know that i am noticed? And that circles back to needing to be pleasing. I can't be an invisible sub. Also, if i feel that just anything and everything i do is "ok", that feels fake... feels like fake praise and doesn't mean a lot. It's important to me that what i do has meaning attached to it so much that i do, especially because so often i do to please...

I need structure, to be made accountable... otherwise i am all over the place and get away with way too much. I know that i test to get a reaction, to find out if anyone cares.... and i don't like that passive/agressive behaviour in myself or in anyone else... I need to be made to do my best, no cutting corners and shortcuts.

This is why D/s works for me. It is a need due to the way i am wired. It is how i relate interpersonally.

Illusion or No?

Today i wonder how much a person determines their path by the power of their own thoughts. Given that each of us grows well into adulthood and are formed by a process of our natures but also our nurture, how much of a peace filled life is created by accepting life as is? And how much is created by working towards a more fullfilling goal. What if we always strive to view the glass as half full and be thankful for that?

Some years ago i saw myself in the descriptions of submissives. I'm happy that i did. So, now that i know and accept, what's next? Accept and get on with life, business as usual? Do i work at keeping a heightened sense of submissive self? What happens if i don't? Do these desires in me become fueled by what i put into my mind? Or do the thoughts in my mind grow there out of natural need to find expression?

The Connection

i want to discover what it is, this "pure" submission.... i think i am mostly untapped... i think it goes very deep. this message will come in time take a deep breath and relax enjoy the experience.

First Obediance

Sometimes the words flow and sometimes i have to work on them. But write i must and write i will and i know that many days it will be my joy and some days it will be a struggle. i also see discipline in this writing and journalling. Full disclosure, too. Yikes!! i look forward to the discpline. Discipline has not really been required of me....