KD's Hypnoslut, the version that didn't get finished :(

i have an assignment and that is to write about what has happened over the past 2 days. i have until 7:00 tonight to finish my entry.... that's when Master gets home from golfing.

As luck would have it i have unexpected company tonight! So i have only part of my entry written and i beg Your understanding, Master, and i will come back to You here as soon as i can. i hope to be making You proud with my completed entry as soon as possible.

To Begin.....

On a day when my pussy never stopped flowing, and i never stopped floating, i'm asked to write about my experience and i don’t seem to be able to find the words. So Master gave me this sentence as a place to start, as a place to document what has happened over the past 2 days. These have been two of the most free and delightful days i have spent.

If someone were to listen in on the conversations that Master and i have, they’d probably see that ours are not unlike most between a dominant and a submissive. The difference in our conversations is that He speaks to my subconscious as well as to my conscious mind. He has access to my subconscious because i understand before “going in” that i will grant Him access to me while i am in a trance state. While in a trance state i completely understand what is going on and i can stop at any time.

Over the past months Master has continued to work with me to train my mind to focus on his voice, to focus on tasks at hand, to block out random thoughts, to focus on my body’s sexual responses and to focus on how i feel in response to belonging to Him. This is largely how i serve Him. Everything i do in service to KD is to follow Him where He wants to take me and to do what i can to bring light into His life in whatever way He asks. This is what He wants from me and this is what i try to give.

Master has given me some tools that keep me close to him, some concrete items that have emotional meaning and also evoke physical erotic responses. One tool is a visualization that I can feel him and touch him and even smell him and hold him close to me.... and if I hold, say, a large pillow, it is like holding him. I know he has given me this gift of comfort.

Another tool KD uses is the nipple shield. They have become a symbol of my being bound to Him so that when I see them or hold them or wear them, I feel that bond. Over the past two days I also discovered that when I wear them and then touch them I feel so very charged in Master’s pussy and it pulses and pulses and pulses. By the end of the day Monday, I had not let the shields out of my sight and wore them most of the day. I wore them to bed and awoke on Tuesday morning with one still on and holding the other in my hand.

By Tuesday morning i knew that i would crave have all three holes plugged by the end of the day. i knew that i would become increasingly aroused as the day wore on. i don’t have any specific recollection of having a conversation like that but i just knew. i knew it without thinking about it.

Master and I chatted on Monday night. i'm sure every sub has had the experience of having their minds worked and bodies worked in such subtle ways by the use of trigger words and combination of tone and sentence structure and all those other magical tools our dominants use in addition to the use of the heavier handed methods (smiles). So by Monday night when we talked and when we were talking with our group of friends, i'd been worked in a mind fuck sort of way the entire day and was ready to just sit with Him and serve Him by responding to Him in a way that i could hope to please Him.

So that Monday night with Master i felt myself slip easily into "flying" mode, so hyper tuned into every word, every expression. He had me edging as we spoke and i felt my excitement growing with certain words.... he'd encourage me with "good girl" and i'd feel tongues on my clit. He'd say something else and i'd feel His cock inside pussy. He'd bring me close to orgasm then back away and do it again and back away and do it again and back away, and then sent me to bed.

And i had some intructions. i knew that by the end of the next day He and i would have some time in voice chat and i would crave to have Him plug my 3 holes. i'm sure there was more but i don't remember.... i just rode the most delish wave and followed Him. Voice chat could mean some time in hypnosis and those times are so very rare and to be cherrished. i was already on a cloud of bliss before i went to bed on Monday.

The hypnotism that Master uses sometimes is a wonderful tool and adds a huge dimension to our play and overall satisfaction of our time spent together (that's how i feel anyways :) ) and it has helped so much in my ability to focus on Him not to mention the focus that leads to erotic feelings.

He is able to hypnotise me with just a word now and then take me to the level of trance He desires.

(the good part is coming up ;) )

Power of Master's Suggestions

12:31 PM
Monday the 28th

Master, the nipple shields You chose for me are in a small oval white porcelain dish next to my computer. All morning i've felt led to come upstairs and pick them up. Sometimes i sit and hold them. i've looked at them and i've held them to my face. i have a compulsion to put them in my pocket and keep them with me. i can't do this openly because i am not alone today as i'd hoped to be. So i just do it quietly and discreetly.

i worked out this morning and did a few things around the house and showered later. While in the shower i had the first strong pussy stirrings of the day. my clit was hard to the touch and when the desire to fill Your pussy with something or anything, the clit thickened and doubled in size. The shampoo bottle is too big to fit! Not to worry, sometime today i must find something to fill Your pussy and do it. i came into my bedroom and picked up Your shields and put one on the left nipple. Just stroking it caused fire in my clit and in Your pussy.... and then i had to stop... i was interrupted but the feelings will remain and increase the rest of the day. Not sure how i know that but it seems to be what's going on now.

i am not sure how i know that i am not supposed to cum today but i know i won't. i feel as though the nipple shields are key today. i want to fuck myself badly. That's for You, isn't it, my Master..... i do know for sure that i'm to talk about it here.

4:40 PM

i can't seem to find the relief for the heat in Your pussy. i've worn the small dildo in it for the past hour or so. i have shields on under my bra. i've bent myself over a big leather chair with ass up while furiously rubbing my clit. i even "rode" the arm of the chair to fuck the dildo which i like to think of as Your cock.

When i put the shields on i felt the swelling and pulsing in my pussy but then i felt a sharpness running down my clit. can't really explain it but to say it was like an extra almost painful hardness. i want to get as close to cumming as we did last night, Master. i have to go do that now.

But before i do that i did take the dildo from Your pussy to lick it and suck it. God how i want Your cock.

Understanding crystallinese

The wireless is being cooporative ..... smiles... so better write write write while i can. This blog is the place i communicate to you and i must remember that purpose. Again i tell myself that it is unedited and uncut.

i have a certain need to write emotionally right now but i think i'll let that simmer a while and maybe these emotions and physical feelings that are so heightened can be put to good use in service to You later on. Doing my best to not get mushy ;)....

Just about three months ago give or take a few hours we started talking privately, Master. i don't know that i had many expectations.... it's fairer to say that i was open to possiblities and i had comfortable instincts about you. We'd chatted in groups casually for a few years so maybe that little foundation was enough to provide to me enough safety to move to speaking privately. i know it doesn't matter how, it just matters that we did.... smiles.

Our walk together thus far has so totally exceeded anything i could have imagined. You "get me". As you have said, You speak crystallinese. i hope that You feel as though i "get You" because i feel that i do. My hope, and it's a big hope, is that i can continue to enrich Your life by belonging to and serving You.

Always in All Ways

It was close to midnight. They were well out of the city by now. The concert was over, the goodbyes said and the CD had just finished playing on the stereo. Master had trained her mind to go to Him in her quiet time and as the conversation and music stopped her eyes closed and to Him she went.

Deeper into the trance state she went recalling feelings of the many times she had surrendered to Him in the past. Deeper still she went seeking Him, yearning to become more and more sexually open and submissive.

She smiled softly as she thought of the many more opportunities she might have to bring pleasure to Him in all ways.

She thought about the conversations they'd had lately and decided that it must be the way He speaks sometimes that takes her away to Him so quickly. She remembered that last night He'd said He could take her under with just one word and she believes that He can and will do just that.

There was no reason to figure out how and why and so she just accepted. Always grateful she sent blessings of her gratitude to Him.

She'd noticed a slight difference in her responses lately. As she meditated she felt the pleasure in her pussy and nipples. She felt the pressure pushing slightly on her arms and chest. The new responses of orgasmic tension building might give her the orgasms that she hopes to freely give Him upon His command. She's encouraged. She smiled. She must be. His pussy pulses in erotic response.

“Time to help me stay awake.” The voice interrupted her trance.

“Are you getting drowsy? Do you feel like you’re sleepy?”

“Take off your pants.”

She smiled and laughed softly. “You want me to what? I can unzip them a little.”

“No. Off. All the way.”

The words “My slut” were unspoken.... those were Master’s words for her and she could imagine his voice saying “My wanton slut”. Her clit pulsed one, two, three times.

“OK”. Her breathing quickened. She could see the lights of a big rig ahead of them and headlights in the distance behind. This was going to be fun.... wondered how far he’d go and how far she’d submit. She unbuttoned and unzipped and worked the bluejeans out from underneath the seatbelt and worked them down to the floor.

“I’m in my panties now.”

He reached over and caressed the inside of her thigh and calf and brushed his fingers along the gusset of the panties. “Panties off. I want you to feel your ass on the leather.”

It seemed safe enough. No cars or trucks were nearby so she slid the panties off to pool upon the jeans that were already at her ankles.

She felt the power of Master’s voice so deeply imprinted in her mind as she imagined Him encouraging her with “good girl, My good girl.”

She moaned as his fingers continued to caress. She turned her body so that his touches would graze her slit, so he could feel how wet she’d become and so that the excitement inside of her cunt would grow. He laughed at her attempts. “You aren’t going to touch me, are you,” she said.

“No. Not yet.”

“You are so evil.”

Her jacket was open already so he easily pushed her top and bra up above her breasts to expose nipples already puckered and hard. He pulled the right nipple and twisted it before moving to the left. Her hands replaced his as he stroked her belly. His hand felt the pool of denim around her ankles and he said “Off. All the way.”

“All the way off??”

“Take them off. Pants and shoes, off.”

She could see that they’d caught up to the semi ahead of them and she couldn’t tell if he was going to stay behind or pass it by. A car passed them to the left. And then another. She was beyond caring who saw what was going on in their car and she pushed her pants off the rest of the way.

“There you go. Doesn’t that feel good?”

“mmmmm yesss. I think you love it when I am so naughty.”

He patted the dash. “Put your foot here.”

Before long both feet were on the dash, the seat was reclined and her pussy was spread open. So wanton, so slutty, so useable. His fingers were alternately fucking her deeply and rubbing her clit. Her hips moved back and forth meeting his thrusts. He passed a truck. Then another.

His bag lay on the floor of the car behind her seat. She heard him unzip it and root through it looking for something and a few seconds later heard a click, then buzzing and felt the vibrator fucking her pussy.

“Oh my god, oh my god that feels so good.”

He did not respond. She imagined Master encouraging His girl with “good girl” and “My slut”.... every “good girl” doubling her pleasure and making Him proud.

He handed the vibe to her. It was coated with her juices and she tasted herself on it after offering him the first licks.

She lay back in the reclined seat, tits and pussy exposed, wet vibe in her hand. She knew that he wanted her to orgasm. Again, Master’s voice as clear to her as though He was there with her saying “just let it come, My girl. Come for Me” she came for her Master, crying out as the pleasure rolled and rolled through her, her sex scent filling the car and wetness running down the leather seat.

After she’d composed herself and dressed she closed her eyes once again and went to that place that Master prepared for her. That place she carries with her always and where He is always and prepared to tell Him the story.

Calm Again

Tax season is over. So glad. It took a few days for the tension and stress to leave, then came a time of re balancing and now the calm is setting in. It feels so good to have a desire to string a few words together again.

Master, you have so generously given your time to me throughout these past couple of months and i think i've grown even through the rough days and weeks. You worked around our crazy lives and the stress energy that i was constantly bringing to our meetings. And then you'd use me so that i could be free to just be me and to just be Yours! You continued to train this body and mind for your use and pleasure which gives me such fulfillment and pleasure.

i rest so securely in the bond between us as i continue to surrender.

Grace

It's scary how much i care for Master.

It's scary how much i care about the success of our relationship.

It's scary that i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met.

It's scary how much he and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me.

It's scary how comfortable i have become because by being so comfortable i don't bring my game face in and then i am just not always on board in a way that i'd like to be.

It's scary that i don't know "how" to do this sometimes.

i don't like to be scared. Being scared is just another name for fear and fear drives out the light. i am no good to anyone without light.... and i know this.

So today during meditation i sought surrender in the silence. That's how i do it now... "to You i surrender....". The product of the mediation today was not erotic in nature but i think it brought some clarity to my head full of swirling thoughts and to my heart full of emotions. And it dissolved enough of the fear to let enough light in so that i can begin to see how these scary things are actually good things. i don't need to look at them as scary things but as stepping stones along the journey.


i'll turn those fear based thoughts around.... and restate with light .....

i care for Master so much that i can just embrace living in this bliss for this very moment.

i care very much about the success of our relationship and i can look forward to it becoming even deeper and richer.

i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met. Now there is substance and depth and a foundation to build upon.... and a bit of structure upon that foundation that is strong.

He and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me that i am sure i will never be quite the same.

i have become very comfortable with Master and within our relationship. i am just me, open and uncovered. Through the use of grace i can learn self forgiveness and remember to trust Master and to trust myself.

i don't know "how" to do this sometimes so i need to reread all of the above.

"People around us, once we have shown more faith in them, show up for us more powerfully than we had thought them capable; a job we had thought beneath us, once we throw our creativity into it, becomes the vehicle to a great success; our lack in some area, once changed from a source of complaint to a source of thanksgiving for what we do have, turns into a source of joy. Any situation can be redeemed." Marianne Williamson

Temptation

Seems like this topic is on my mind a lot so i'm going to give in and just work it through here.


i had a realization .... i think it was yesterday .... that a reason why i feel so free to serve and to surrender to you, Master, here online is because i am totally protected from the temptation to take it real with you. We made that committment up front that we would not meet for sex.

Yes, i am always tempted to take D/s real. i will always be tempted to take it real because i crave a power exchange relationship. i crave it because it's my nature and i crave it because i had D/s "real" and once bitten i still want it.

i made a final and ultimate choice to not go back for more. i chose love for the benefit of others (and yes it was also for my own benefit) and in doing so i gave up all probability that i will ever engage in a r/t power exchange relationship.

i knew all of this going into our relationship but here's where i now have greater understanding. When i was faced with the "online first and probably moving to real" i could not surrender, i could not commit, i could not fully engage because to do so could mean that i would not be able to stop myself from placing myself fully within the delema of staying or walking away from my marriage.

This is not a biggy thing. It's just a growth spurt of understanding myself a little better.

Focus

i believe i have had an "ah ha" moment. It follows the line of thinking that where the mind goes so goes the body. i must do a better job keeping my mind where it needs to be so that the slut is fed. Somehow i need to do a better job at associating everyday, ordinary things to using them to trigger erotic thoughts and responses. i cannot even believe how vanilla my mind is when the coast is so totally clear to be the slut! i must learn to seize the opportunities always, in all ways, at all times.

Party Girl

It was unusually early for him to wake on a Saturday morning. His girl lay beside him, her pantie covered ass brushing lightly against his groin. He would take from her this morning.

By the sound of her breathing he could tell that she was in that in between deep sleep and wakefulness state. He slowly stroked her ass as he whispered to her that she would be his slut to use, that his use of her mouth and pussy and nipples would soon be all she cared about.

His hands moved up and he held her breasts and rolled her nipples and they became hard in his hands. She was more awake than she had let on and her mind was in a state of openness to him and he filled her mind with erotic thoughts and memories of her slutty, wantonness.

As he spoke his finger moved along the leg opening of her panties, oh so slowly from her hip downward, caressing the curve of her ass as he did so, and then back up again. Over and over he drew his finger along her round ass as he talked her more deeply into a trance. As he teased her with his words he began to roll the elastic waistband of her panties down her ass and then back up, down and then back up, down and up.... not removing them and not fully exposing her. Her breath caught in her throat as he rolled the panties completely down to the top of her thighs and his fingers pushed into the wet, soft folds of her pussy to find the spot that always caused her back to arch and as he touched she gasped so very quietly. It was nearly imperceptible, that moan, but in the quiet house he heard her arousal.

He removed his hand from her wet cunt and waited. He sensed the struggle going on in her mind.... the struggle between wanting to be used, to be free to be the slut she is and the struggle to be the strong woman she perceives herself to be who can take care of herself. She begins to whimper. She pushes her ass towards him.

“If you need my cock, slut, remove those panties and spread your legs for me. Present your ass and cunt to me like a slut to be fucked.”

He knew she was now his. She’d let her guard down and was his ass fuck sub slut. She was so creamy and hot. His cock was hard now and he spread her wetness on the tip of his cock as he knelt behind her and rubbed himself up and down her wet slit. Teasing, not entering, just teasing. She begins to rock. She needs the penetration but doesn’t want the teasing to end. Feeling so submissive, she realizes that this is freedom she needs.... freedom to be the slut she is, to live completely as his.

She feels his cock spreading her lips. She craves him, craves his possession of her and craves his cock. With a whimper she pushes herself onto his cock and her whimpers turn to moans. His slut meets his thrusts and they move together, her creamy pussy and his engorged cock working towards the common goal of release. His fingers trace down her belly from her hard nipples and find her clit and he strokes her and he thrusts. Just as she is nearly cumming he stops and pulls out.

..... more to come....

Living It Out.... Why Do i Do Online?

i've read lots of blogs written by submissive women and chatted with lots of submissive women and the numbers of us who discovered and affirmed our submissive nature or desires through online means is astounding. It's also astounding that so many of us continue to seek online D/s outside of our primary relationships and/or marriages.

i'm one of those subs who experiences D/s through online relationships even after having served a dominant man in real life. i made a choice to leave that life (i've written about it as history) and try 'nilla again.

There is a very specific type of relationship that i look for online, the cerebral/emotional/intellectual/conversational.... i'm not even exactly sure what all the parts are because sometimes i know more of what does not work than about what does.

i've written in the blog before about the "whys". Some of those reasons are that i craved to be heard, craved to be understood. Craved to be someone special. Craved to have my cravings lived out and acted out. Craved to grow to trust to an extremely deep level. Craved to just give choices over to someone who would make them for me. Craved to be sexual and to be praised and affirmed for it. And there's the slut factor and the fetish exploration..... Just add these cravings to everything else that makes me submissive, add a Dominant man who recognizes my needs with his own and takes care of them and WOW. My very being becomes lit up. i believe that this is all very natural and an expression of what and who we are.

This is also a bit like having an affair. Actually it is having an affair, isn't it, in some sense. We are at our best. We are charming and we laugh and we say things to uplift the other. We leave our worldly problems behind us as we chat away or voice chat or talk on the phone. We know that this is filling a need and we also know that this is supposed to be fun and not a pain in the neck.

Now the cautions. i must be mindful because i know that online D/s is as powerful and seductive as it is in real life. In a way it is more seductive because it appears to be more innocent than it is. We feel extremely deeply and we can be taken to places we didn't know existed physically and emotionally. It is secret and naughty. And it is playing with fire. The danger is, in my experience, that if i am not careful i may begin to think that there is something really, really wrong with my vanilla marriage. It begins to look tarnished and dull. i may talk myself into thinking that i cannot bear to live another year in a house where i am not required to be at the door every evening naked and on my knees with crop in my teeth ;)... and i'll just make sure i talk myself right out of that idea, too. Online D/s is in addition to and not a replacement for my primary relationship.

That all being said, i admit that sometimes i am less aroused sexually with my husband than i am with Master. Master knows this and he's careful. Yes, i've given Master access to my mind and where my mind goes so goes the pussy, right? Yet it's still my mind. So it is a mind set. It is mind over body.... If i allow myself to be directed to have my body serve Master, i can also direct my mind to arouse my body otherwise. If to maintain balance i know that i must put on the brakes or can change gears. If there comes a time when i can't have appropriate physical intimacy and feelings for my husband because of what Master and i do together, then i will have to stop. i will have to direct my mind away from Master and i will find other ways to blow off some slutty steam to satisfy cravings in order to preserve my life.

i want both my cake and to eat it too. i want to preserve my vanilla life while tending to my submission. That's my way for now.

Doing OK, Doing Good, Better Than Good, Really!

Bubble bath, candles, a Cosmo Martini (or 2) .... but the very best part of that night was time with Master. Time to hear him, laugh with him, feel him, and be taken away by him. To be disciplined. He cares and i love that he cares.

It's in the coming together of needs in this special and glorious way that i serve him but how is it that in serving him i feel that he gives me so much? i try to intellectualize this process but really can't and hope to give that up because it does no good.

i've also had another "a ha" moment (probably again but isn't it like me to need to go back over it again and again) and that is that i have to use fantasy to engage my mind so that pussy can follow. So simple. i do it to some extent but i just finally understood how big a part it plays in being led over the edge to orgasm. During meditation i mostly focused on the feelings in Master's cunt and nipples so i could carry that into edging. But i don't think i was using enough fantasy in edging but, instead, would fall back on feelings. i love feelings and sensations but isn't it true that combining feelings, sensations with vivid fantasy the way to blast off?

While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.