Just Took His Hand

Moves fingers, gets mind working...been a long, long time and not sure about doing this but also sort of want to write something down.

Blogs are odd things. In a way it's just like keeping a journal. Except that it isn't private. Sometimes complete strangers read it. And what is so odd about it all is that I must feel that these written thoughts about just a tiny piece of life are so verrry worth sharing. I don't think they really are but putting some things "out there" quench a little of the exhibitionist in me same as reading blogs of others helps satisfy a voyeuristic urge I have.

Maybe this formation, this integration, this self understanding quest isn't such a tiny piece of life after all. I do tend to minimize things sometimes to deflect.... sort of like a shrug I suppose. Sort of like a passive-aggressive attention getter deflection shrug even (need another day to unravel that one). But because the blog started out as a place to put my thoughts as I tried to integrate two distinctly separate parts of my life into something that would work well overall, and because I think that goal has been accomplished somewhat, maybe it's time to go another round.

So, here I am with a wonderful dominant man I have known for 5 years, been so very drawn to, but never submitted to, until now, who has patiently listened to my crappy stuff about everything for all that time and also to all of the joy filled parts of life, and when he held out his hand I took hold saying yes, it's time now, isn't it, he nodded yes and I am so very glad. This is the journey of my growth under the guidance of man I respect and adore, who is a well respected member of his lifestyle community, a dominant man who has made me a part of him, and who has brought me into his family life, allowing me to serve him and my alpha sub sister as his beta. I love being in this place.

Perspective Heals

i'm doing well. Things are sorting out. my former Master has been walking this release with me as the adjustment is huge for Him as well. He's set some boundaries which i respect. i respect a man who follows through. And it's all good.

There is no anger. There are many, many wonderful memories that still make me smile and laugh aloud. He and i have laughed together over many. It is His way of showing me the positive side rather than dwelling on the loss.

There is sadness because He and i had become very close and very much a part of one another's lives. i miss that. So does He. And because of that very intensity and depth our relationship had to end.

To new beginnings!

Place

Master says i don't know my place.

He's right.

I've lost it.

Why and when did that happen?

Was it because He didn't tend the garden or because i didn't?

Living It Out.... Why Do i Do Online?

i've read lots of blogs written by submissive women and chatted with lots of submissive women and the numbers of us who discovered and affirmed our submissive nature or desires through online means is astounding. It's also astounding that so many of us continue to seek online D/s outside of our primary relationships and/or marriages.

i'm one of those subs who experiences D/s through online relationships even after having served a dominant man in real life. i made a choice to leave that life (i've written about it as history) and try 'nilla again.

There is a very specific type of relationship that i look for online, the cerebral/emotional/intellectual/conversational.... i'm not even exactly sure what all the parts are because sometimes i know more of what does not work than about what does.

i've written in the blog before about the "whys". Some of those reasons are that i craved to be heard, craved to be understood. Craved to be someone special. Craved to have my cravings lived out and acted out. Craved to grow to trust to an extremely deep level. Craved to just give choices over to someone who would make them for me. Craved to be sexual and to be praised and affirmed for it. And there's the slut factor and the fetish exploration..... Just add these cravings to everything else that makes me submissive, add a Dominant man who recognizes my needs with his own and takes care of them and WOW. My very being becomes lit up. i believe that this is all very natural and an expression of what and who we are.

This is also a bit like having an affair. Actually it is having an affair, isn't it, in some sense. We are at our best. We are charming and we laugh and we say things to uplift the other. We leave our worldly problems behind us as we chat away or voice chat or talk on the phone. We know that this is filling a need and we also know that this is supposed to be fun and not a pain in the neck.

Now the cautions. i must be mindful because i know that online D/s is as powerful and seductive as it is in real life. In a way it is more seductive because it appears to be more innocent than it is. We feel extremely deeply and we can be taken to places we didn't know existed physically and emotionally. It is secret and naughty. And it is playing with fire. The danger is, in my experience, that if i am not careful i may begin to think that there is something really, really wrong with my vanilla marriage. It begins to look tarnished and dull. i may talk myself into thinking that i cannot bear to live another year in a house where i am not required to be at the door every evening naked and on my knees with crop in my teeth ;)... and i'll just make sure i talk myself right out of that idea, too. Online D/s is in addition to and not a replacement for my primary relationship.

That all being said, i admit that sometimes i am less aroused sexually with my husband than i am with Master. Master knows this and he's careful. Yes, i've given Master access to my mind and where my mind goes so goes the pussy, right? Yet it's still my mind. So it is a mind set. It is mind over body.... If i allow myself to be directed to have my body serve Master, i can also direct my mind to arouse my body otherwise. If to maintain balance i know that i must put on the brakes or can change gears. If there comes a time when i can't have appropriate physical intimacy and feelings for my husband because of what Master and i do together, then i will have to stop. i will have to direct my mind away from Master and i will find other ways to blow off some slutty steam to satisfy cravings in order to preserve my life.

i want both my cake and to eat it too. i want to preserve my vanilla life while tending to my submission. That's my way for now.

Cold Toes

i've missed a couple of days..... mostly because i just came up short. Honestly did not know what to say and being sick this week didn't help bring up the sub/slave thoughts.

In dominants and submissives, we have an deep, ingrained sense of relating to our D/s opposites. Dominance and submissveness have been called archetypes which means they are just deep and unconcious characteristics that automatically act and react without our even knowing it... (just read about this so not even close to my own idea LOL)... sort of like a hero reacting to a damsel in distress, or a healer sensing illness and wanting to heal.

And the crossroads just means that i sense that change is ahead. i think part of it is that i am a bit restless following the holiday season... the cravings are building again .... and i just need to be careful and patient.

Pleasing

There is a symbiotic relationship between a Dom and a sub. One of the ways this occurs is in how we please one another....

it has been said that subs are natural pleasers. i think Doms also want to please.....

What are some ways of a sub pleasing her Dom?

• being accountable, consistently
• lifting him up... meaning putting his needs before her own, not to the exclusion of her needs, but in addition to.... knowing that in meeting His needs, hers will be met.... anything other than working to this goal and i think things are off kilter....
• presenting herself well in a way that honors Him..... not only physically but in her manner of speaking to him and what she says... how she says it.... putting him first in the eyes of others and soooo importantly, MAKING him first in her eyes and in her world as much as is possible

Now, how about turning all of those around and apply as a Dom taking care of his little one? smiles...... it's beautiful, isn't it? i don't think it is at all vanilla....

This works because W/we know our place.... we know who we are..... I would not ever want to top Sir from the bottom.... it is not a "power-over" situation from either point of view. Nothing passive aggressive, nothing aggressive, nothing totally passive, it is purely taking care of one another within the framework of Dominance and submission. Knowing my place as He knows His. i love my place under Him. i want to serve him.

i know this is a simplification... life is so complex .... i'll never understand why and how it works, maybe it is just because you are you and i am me....