Disappointments as Milestones

Not sure what to do with this disappointment that's so deep in my heart. i've disappointed myself because i disappointed Master.

He is kind, fair and gentle. Stern in that He doesn't put up with my stuff. He is so smart and so fun and so funny and so loving. i respect Him greatly for all that He is and for what He does in His life as a husband, father, son, professional, and friend. He gives so much of himself and His time to all of us in His life and i like to think that i offer Him enough quality and quantity of mine to make His days just a bit brighter. i just hate it that i can't be perfect for Him (smiles.... who do i think i am, anyways) (i can answer that, i am His girl, flaws and all).

i don't like it that i write these "about me" blog entries. So maybe once this is done i will focus on "about experiences" blog entires? But since this is an "about me" posting, i will continue ...... i am so self focused that i can't just get over it... maybe it's because the balance is so elusive to me, that voice of balance that i feel should be me that says "hey you girl, you messed up, you cleaned it up, get over it and get on with it". When people come to me in their angst and want to talk their stuff through, that is how i encourage them to .....but following my own advice... hmmm i guess i'm not a very good self advocate. Maybe the voice of balance should be that once the self forgiveness happens and Master's forgiveness has happened, i simply hold my chin up and get on with what ever comes next in the day. Would i learn my lesson better if i just took my lumps and moved along? Or would i learn my lesson better if i played that old tape again and again to keep making myself feel bad? (that doesn't sound helpful). Maybe it would be more helpful and a better use of time to spend less time writing about it here and more time composing something that Master would like to read over the weekend? But then again, how would He know what's going on in my mind if i don't talk about it. And then again, He seems to know what's going on with me pretty well anyways (people have a certain amount of pretictability, don't they, and submissive women maybe even more? dunno)

i read the blogs that other girls write. It seems like we all do a fair share of beating ourselves up over what grace calls "infractions" (i love that word so harsh and to the point). And we also do a pretty good job of picking ourselves up and trying harder. So that's what i'll do. Just pick myself up and try harder.

This relationship that KD and i have is precious to me. One sub friend said to me "but don't we all feel that way about our Masters?" Yes, i suppose we all do. For me, personally, this is different.

He Wrote me an e-mail

i confess that i had an attitude.

i was completing a task.

i was not happy.

i was thinking that i could still be in bed, asleep. i thought it probably made more sense for me to be in bed, asleep.

And mostly because i don't like doing what i was asked to do.

i remembered that it isn't about what i like to do or when i like to do it or if i like to do it.

i did it anyways.

Then i got a little happier.

Then i had peace.

It doesn't really matter what the task was because the issue is about my attitude and my understanding of my place. Master had asked me to do this task a while back and i'm not sure how long ago it was but probably a week or two. i back-burnered it for some reasons that i thought were good ones.

Then i got the e-mail. i was really happy when Master told me he'd sent me an e-mail because we don't e-mail often. And you realize, don't you, that i thought it would be full of twisted thoughts and things that would make my heart race and blood rush from my head. Then i read it. He was very kind, but very firm. "....... my girl..... I know you are busy at work and so am I.... quality time together ...... I know you can accomplish this..... will keep us connected.... " To Master i responded that the task would be completed by noon on Saturday.

My reactions? My heart raced and blood rushed south even still. Then soon i became a bit defensive. My way of thinking through the timeline wasn't the way it was going to be? The defensive feelings were my vanilla responses that i use in most of the rest of my life. i quickly realized that it is his place to do just what he did and that i am to be grateful and am grateful that he cares enough to keep me on track. Then i panicked a little because i just panic and then i felt peace. i didn't have to think about planning for time availability or avoiding it.... Master took that from me and i was left feeling free and anticipating doing something for him.

Master was pleased with the results of my work for him. He wrote me a lovely e-mail with twisted thoughts and words that made my heart race.

i started to write "i'm sorry that i had an attitude" but that isn't true. i'm grateful that i had an attitude because without it i might not have grown through this task quite as much.

It's a beautiful circle, isn't it?

Devotion

It's late according to my Friday night body clock. i've just finished my daily meditation so i am feeling peaceful and relaxed and aroused. i'm so grateful to Master for giving me this training that i hope i never miss. In this obediance i have found that it's a gift of time with Him and it is calming and centering to me. It's about the best part of my day.

He has trained me to focus on who i am in relation to Him and on the feelings that generates. i think by doing this mediation the rest of my day is more productive. i know that it is more productive sexually because my mind is now being trained to be in a pretty constant state of connection with Master's pussy. i know it is productive in enhancing my general attitude and joy as i work and interact with others through the day no matter where i am or who i am interacting with. i feel more alive, more vibrant. Have i mentioned the word bliss within the last 24 hours? i think i do a better job at work and at home.

Another realization as i meditated tonight is now that i belong to Master i feel calmer at home with Mr. There will be fewer resentments now that there is no pressure on him to be the type of man that he is not cut out to be. He is now free to just be.

And just so that this is not all about being in la la land, i'd like to add that most every minute of the day and night i dream of having my fingers busy between my legs. There's no time like the present, is there?

nite nite ;-)

Friday

It's Friday. i am home for a lunch break.

As much as i like to think that i am cruising through tax season pretty decently while taking care of my typical work load i now have a new fantasy that may be evidence that i am not just sailing through. Here's what happened. From my POV of course ;). i was really peeved with a woman at work this morning because of her "no can do" attitude which i just don't understand. i mean, really, it's a busy time and everyone has to do extra, right? .... i know i am a sub and usually jump in to do what i can so that the work gets done whether i really want more to do or not. Whatever....

Anyways, i am tasked to use my bathroom time in a certain way now. And when i was just about ready to strangle this person i had to pee. Off i went into the lav, cursing her in my mind while taking the clothespins from the zipper pocket in the lining of my purse. Down went the pants. i sat and pulled my nipples and applied the pegs. Curse, curse, curse. And then the most wonderful thing happened.... the tension and anger and curse words just went out of my mind.... i was instantly calm. Instantly aroused. It was like i gave it all away and Master smoothed my spikey energy with words and attitudes that He's placed in my mind.

Must get back to work... maybe i'll have time to write tonight.

Things i Love Post #3 kitty

i love pussy.

Especially mine except it isn't mine any more.

i've freely given to Master and this is His. i happily call it Master's pussy. Very happily and even ecstatically happily call His. It's true that a sub in service is a contented one, indeed.

i had a large coffee for breakfast before setting off for appointments all morning. By about 10:30 the urge to pee was growing and by 11:30 it was almost all i could think about. The other little thing i thought about was that begining today i was to piss for Him.

my drive to please Him has become a delightful compulsion.

i suppose i could have used a ladies room along the way somewhere but it is much more wanton to me to go to the little lav along the little hallway next to the office coffee station and have a few moments in submissive bliss. And in the back of my mind i remember that last night He described to me how i was to piss for him in the office lav so in the office lav is where i need to be.

The pissing directive is less about voiding urine and more about making the experience sexual. i was already using the time alone to rub my clit or to feel my wetness and taste. Now i am to keep count of all my pissings and i am to lean forward on the seat when i do so that i can feel the pee splash against my clit. And, i am to peg both of my nipples before beginning. All women carry two clothespins in their purse, right? i do now.

i pissed three times this afternoon while at work and as i sit here writing, i am holding another in .... the urge to pee is so strong and my clit pulses as i squeeze to hold the piss inside of me while i write. i don't know if i am supposed to clamp my nips while at home. For a while i'd decided that because he said "at work" that i would keep the task as an office task but i believe He'd want me to carry the order always.

my nipples were soft the first time i peed for Master today. i pulled down my bra, pulled breasts out and pegged each nipple, leaned forward on the seat and felt the gush of hot piss stroke my clit. Delightful!

i grew more excited as the afternoon progressed. i could feel my wet labia rubbing against each other and my damp panties as i walked through the office. The more i recognized Master's pussy the wetter i got and the more i ground it into my chair or rubbed my legs together as i stood.

Later on i had to pee a second time. Again my nipples were soft and i was able to clamp them and enjoy the bit of pain as the pee massaged my clit.

The third time i went in to piss, i didn't even take the time to gently pull tits out of their cups but just pulled the bra up to expose already hardened nipples wanting so much to be clamped. My nipples were hard and puckered before being touched. This time as the pegs went on my pussy throbbed and i squeezed out just enough pee to wet myself. The pleasure was intoxicating and i cleared my mind enough so as to just live in the feelings of pulsing pussy and pleasurable painful clamped nips. i rubbed my clit, tapped the head with a finger tip,..... anything to just feel my sex for as long as i dare be away from my desk.

The fourth time i went into the lav it was purely to spend time pleasuring Master's pussy.... no pee left, just pleasure, edging pleasure.

So this is a slut in heat, mmmm?.

Lavatory Slut the Next Day

The suggestion must have been planted deeply. It wasn’t like yesterday when the pussy heat started on low and rose though out the day. It happened sometime around noon and it was immediate burn that seemed like it came out of nowhere. Mmmmmm the feelings he gives me for his pleasure bring to my mind how he speaks to me. “My cunt, my slut, my good girl” he says, “you love to please me, don’t you?”.

The erotic feelings are involuntary. He knows and i know that he can control my body just that easily. i wait. The wait produces anticipation and the anticipation sends juices running and nipples hardening in waves.

My red handbag is under my desk just to the right of my legs. i see it every time i push my chair back to leave my desk and i know that there is a small vibe tucked into the side pocket. i also know that i am to use that vibe to bring myself to orgasm before i leave the office today. He said it mattered not to him whether i came in the small lavatory within the office or in the public ladies room on our floor of the office building, but that i release for him today in that way.

i suspect that most women have a favorite toy that they use regularly to bring themselves off. i know that some use only fingers. i’ve been trained (not intentionally but out of practice) to come only with a simple vibe that i’ve had for several years. Unless that vibe is on my clit, though, the orgasms don’t want to come.

The little vibe in the side pocket of the red bag is not my best cum toy that always gets me off vibe. i’ve never been able to orgasm using that little vibe but this time it will have to work. Primary reason being he says it will work thereby making the other reasons not matter.

Those feelings of needing to touch myself become more persistent as the afternoon progresses. The cunt juices gush into my panties as i realize that by his suggestion i am becoming nearly uncontrollably aroused in this public workplace. Nobody is around me now so i reach down into the neck of my top and squeeze my right nipple. i am feeling myself up in my office?? What am i doing? All i can think about is the need to find the time to release.

As i take care of job business, the little side conversations going on in my head discuss the pros and cons of vibing and coming and timing and location. i shake my head to clear away the desires, breathe deeply and concentrate on the work at hand. i can wait, i can wait, i tell myself. No i can’t.

Into the lavatory, drop pants, spread my legs as wide as they go for him i fuck myself. Two fingers in and out, pumping, pumping, slowly. So exquisite. Pull up my top and bra to expose the big hard nipples and to play while i fuck and stroke. The scent is heaven and the taste of me is even better. Just edging now, sweet cunt. Don’t cum. You're preparing yourself for him and you will cum with the little vibe so wait.

i’ve created a little lust-space to live in. Wonder if anyone will notice? How many more minutes until 5:00?

There is rarely a day when i rush out the door at 5. Today i rushed out the door at 5. Grabbing coat, saying good byes i am off down the hall. Push open the door to the ladies.... nobody here but me, good. Hang up the coat. Unzip handbag and get the vibe and hold it in my mouth as i drop my pants. Sit on the seat and lean back into the corner of the stall. How wet am i? That clit is big and hard girl, now come. Just let it come to you, it’ll come. i hear the elevator doors opening. Wonder if someone will come in here? Don’t care. Just come, come. Oh gawd here it comes. Waves and waves and waves.

Submissive Being or Doing

i don't like labels but i seem to like definitions. Maybe it's because definitions give information and allow people to plug the knowledge into their existing knowledge base. Labels are just kind of -YIKES- black and white. Why do i have such an issue with labels??

Using labels is helpful for a cook to know the difference between bottles cayenne pepper and cinnamon..... i know that they're important in lots of ways. They give people a common ground upon which to build and interact .......

Maybe the issue is that when people make up their minds about something and slap a label on it and when that something is not a concrete or stable thing but is flowing and alive and interactive and changing, the label has to allow for that with fluidity.

The other day i was thinking along the lines of being a submissive or doing submission. i can't remember it now even tho i remembered it 10 min ago. Another escaped 'ah ha' moment lolol middle age, gotta love it! i know it'll come back to me and then i can finish this thought. The jist of it was... i think... that submission is a state of mind and so many people think submission is about doing stuff or having stuff done to them. What about this..... maybe the "doing stuff" is out of obediance and it becomes submission when the obediance is to the one i've placed my .... self. Still not sure here.

It seems like submission is a need and a craving for me. It builds and builds and builds and then when there is release by submitting, i'm good for a time. oh wow .... now understanding that one of my needs for submission must be to have a strong patriarch.... don't want to use "daddy" because i don't know about that.... but i have craved strong male control always and rarely had it. Someone who keeps me from getting away with stuff .... someone to stop me in my tracks. i felt like i knew this before but now i understand that this is big.

i search and search within my relationships in r/l and it's like i'm asking "won't somebody do this? won't somebody step up and take this from me??" it just hasn't happened.

On another topic, i read excerpts from this book a long time ago and now there is a book. This book i will order today.... The Control Book by Peter Masters.... finally, a book that is about the psychology of D/s and not a how to bdsm book.
link to excerpt: http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

More On Obediance

This morning i wanted to write more about the vanilla request that i wrote about on thursday. About obediance for the sake of obediance? Obediance when nobody really cares about the outcome?..... is it enough that i care about the outcome? When the person requesting (or ordering) ... does not make clear whether this is a "firm" order, no modifications.... or is this "general"... done to further an idea along and the timing is not critical.... I am talking about submitting to my husband.... as well as thinking about how this works in an online relationship.....
Sometimes i think maybe i overthink things. The fact is that i am married to a man who doesn't have interest in the power exchange. I'm lucky that he enjoys a kinky thing now and then if i ask for it. But there is still this sub woman (me) who, while obediant, still would like to be acknowledged for it. If i do a good job, i like to know. If i do a half assed job, i need to be called on it. If i skip it, i need to be punished.

I would just like to know what it's like to have this level of accountability. And what if it doesn't happen? How do i change around my mind?