Embrace and Surrender

Birthdays, holidays, milestones such as these are sometimes a little bit bumpy for some people and i guess i'm one of those people. As much as i love the celebrations there is tension and emotion and, in the past years for me, perhaps too much inward focus. Baaaaad habit, that! When there is too much inward focus there is the pitfall of living without optimism. Another bad habit. i think it's the ego talking tho, that "all about me", and that is what i'm trying to shed so i got over it pretty quickly, thankfully, by remembering that i am here to serve and not to be served... i'm not talking about a hard clit experience here... talking about giving up the ego in order to live in the midst of life rather than looking on from "above". It's about living in the moment and treasuring. And seeing that the others are here on this earth to do the same.

My dad has had one of those illnesses that last for years and gradually, oh so slowly, takes one's life. We are looking at his last weeks or days now and how honored i am to be walking with him on this journey. What a sweet man he is. So peaceful and so gentle.

i had a comment on the last post ... isn't it great to get feedback that causes one to think some more.... about the soul mate coming when we stop working it so hard. Agree. Again it is a matter of letting that piece find us as we embrace what we have going right now. Being observant, watchful, thoughtful, but not controlling. Just submitting.

Obey the Cock

my nipple is so stiff. i'm on my back in my white bed and the palm of my hand rests along the side of my breast while i circle that long, stiff nub with my middle finger. It's so hard, so elongated. And as i focus on how hard and swollen it it, the other nipple hardens as if to keep up. i drag the finger down the side of my body to my pussy and feel the soft week-long growth of hair and shiver as i think of you.

i've been thinking about how badly i want to please you and torment you just as you torment me. About how i crave you. You've created an ache in me that, at times, overwhelms all other thought and feeling.

i think about how you tied my hands above my head and further tied them to the hook fastened in the wooden rafter overhead and how you made sure that i had to remain up on my toes.... easier for you to get me to move in response to your deliciously torturous touches, you've told me.

When we are together my senses are attuned to your every move, your every breath, your every word.... my mind races as it tries to anticipate you so that i can try to tease you back just as you tease me. You are near me now, your voice at my ear sending shivers down your slut's body, your slut i am, god how i love belonging to you ....and my mouth is open because my breathing comes so hard and ragged. You are so close to me and i need you more, i need to taste you and i turn my head just enough. You must feel my breath on your neck now, Master, and i bite your earlobe -- hard -- hard enough to make your breathing stutter and i don't let go until i hear your low chuckle. "girl", you say, "My girl". i release my grip on you but you linger just a few seconds and i taste the salt of your skin as my tongue laps down along your jawline and i feel your pulse under my lips at the base of your neck.

This dance of ours has gone on for an hour or more, this tease, this mutual seduction. You drive me to the very edge of want as i tease back.

Silence now as you pull away. Breathing in, breathing out, seconds passing, minutes gone by.

i feel you close again now. Your cock is hard. i can feel it pushing its way between my ass cheeks. You've bent me at the waist just a little and your cock is between my legs now pushing in and i feel you pulling it out along my slippery pussy lips and the pushing it back, pulling it out, pushing it back.

You've trained me to see your cock when my eyes close and in my dark place i see it in front of me. I must, must open my mouth to accept the cock but at the same time i feel you fucking my slippery slit. Your cock, how i crave it. Your fingers violently fuck my mouth while you pull my head back by the hair.

"What is it that you need, girl", you say.

Your cock.

"Yes, my cock. What do you crave, my girl?"

Your cock.

"Whose slut are you?"

Yours, Sir.

"What do you obey, girl?"

Your cock.

"What do you want girl?"

Cock, Master.

"Whose cock?"

Master's cock, please, please Master may i have Your cock.

Your hand twists my hair even tighter and i choke on the saliva that has accumulated in my mouth and is dripping down my tits and onto the floor. You move in front of me while releasing my hands from the hook overhead. Disoriented i fall to my knees in front of you and you take me.... using my mouth. And i obey the cock.

Place

Master says i don't know my place.

He's right.

I've lost it.

Why and when did that happen?

Was it because He didn't tend the garden or because i didn't?

It is Strength or Weakness, Health or Sickness?

A dear friend and i were at dinner one night this week. We do this about once a month and at some point during our dinners the talk always turns to our relationships. Usually we talk about sex, too, and i have shared with her about what she calls my "special needs" sexually.... BDSM. She understands bedroom and/or BDSM play but doesn't understand D/s.

We both spent many, many years married to verbally and emotionally abusive men as we raised our children. Each of us left those men with thoughts of never looking back and we each got help individually and as couples. Who knew that we women would find that we have voices and opinions and that those voices and opinions are important to be heard. Who knew that our spouses would finally get it too.

We were both submissive women too eager to please, too eager to accept another's --- anybody's --- unhealthy dominion over us, too easily sent to scramble to figure out where we miscommunicated when the shit would hit the fan. We just kept scrambling to tidy up all the loose ends because we were unable to fix that whole fabric of what was really wrong. We needed to find a voice and become healthy. For some reason we were just not willing to pack up the kids and run probably because the hurts were not visible and the abuse was done in secret. We felt that we wouldn't be believed by our children, parents or friends.

She and i were friends during much of this dysfunctional time and didn't know we were each living like this. Amazing, isn't it. But at a party one night she said something to me..... sort of a little slip that told me she was hurting.... and i invited her to dinner. At that dinner i told her my history and told her that i'd soon be moving away from my home, husband and young adult children because if i didn't i would most certainly die. And she then told me her story and we shook our heads in wonder that we'd never had the voice to share with one another or anyone else.

So at dinner the other night i began to talk about how comforting it is for me to have a person with strong broad shoulders on which to lay my burdens, how fulfilling it is to be able to completely surrender myself so as to meet another person's needs in service and how that makes me feel so complete, about how i feel there are some people in this world who love being the ones to take the burdens and make the decisions just as i love to give them up. Very simplified, yes, but about as far as i felt she could comprehend what are the beginnings of a power exchange type of relationship.

Her brows knit together as she said "That is just not healthy! Isn't it true that within a relationship, the person who is so controlling must learn to give up some of that control in order to learn to defer to others and the people who are so deferring must learn to take charge?"

Hummmmm. i wonder. i wonder if she is right. The pressure i put on myself to be "a good sub" may not be healthy. i went in a direction which was to find affirmation of who i am, a submissive person, and subsequently developed that understanding into a need and craving for that life. i pretty much found the choir that sang the virtues of D/s and joined in. Conversely, she went in the direction of the cultural understanding of mental health which is to teach a much more middle of the road approach that we call "vanilla". But i wonder if i got it right. Did i get on the bus that may not ultimately bring healing?

This is all so heavy on my mind and heart today because i am struggling with this awful feeling that i did the wrong thing with Master last night BUT i don't really think it was the wrong thing... the delivery was wrong but the message was not wrong. It's not a huge thing going on... i know we will talk it through eventually but this is the thing.... here i am feeling defensive like i used to feel when i tried but couldn't "speak up", or when i tried but couldn't "disagree" or when i just flat out got angry because i felt so powerless. This is not about BDSM, it is not about limits.

i used go over and over a situation that ended badly trying to see how i might have better explained myself, how i might have been more understanding of a position other than my own, how i should have been more patient, how i should have asked for help or more time or more information. But the thing is sometimes a negative outcome is not my fault.

Last night i was reduced... yes, reduced, to a shivering little pleaser submissive puppy dog of a woman and it doesn't feel right. It feels like i'm thrown off balance, like i can't trust my own instincts, like i will loose ground if i push my opinion. The patterns run so deep and here i am not knowing how to please and to have a voice at the same time... the fear of saying the "wrong" thing runs so deep.

Work and Be Worked

i figured that the answer would be a simple "yes". Like the answers to most questions, though, it wasn't that simple. "Do you think it's natural for sexual energy to ebb and flow?" The answer was a "yes, but" and then "Yes, but sexual energy needs to be expanded."

i asked the question because i am concerned that i am not sexual enough. i know that my body is changing lots... some say that menopause changes a woman as much as puberty. Thankfully i still have the drive and the desire but at the same time it is just different somehow.

So what about this expanding the sexual energy idea? The meditations that Master fashioned for me are a primary way i keep in touch with my sexual feelings on a daily basis. i work hard on getting the mind and pussy working together with varying results. When it's great i can feel such pleasure deep within Master's pussy, tingles and strokes along my clit and moisture forming between my lips. When it's not so great my mind won't settle in on a mantra and it flits or drifts. So i started doing two 15 minute sessions a day to help train my mind to focus, focus, focus. Master also has me edging to keep the want growing. Today i wondered if maybe a bit of self loving the bod prior to meditation might help. Tomorrow i'll experiment. i just have to have faith that it all works for good and not obsess about easily getting or not getting the quick big "O".

So what i have come to understand about working and being worked makes so much sense. i need the work. i need the purpose. i crave it. Master knows that by putting this slut mind and body to work for His purposes gives me purpose. It's food for my spirit. And really for me it doesn't need to be sexual work for the results to make His pussy flow.... i'd serve Him in any way and i think it would be heaven.

Back to Basics

Master, today feels so brand new and i am so grateful!! What i mean is that i feel new energy or new hope or optimism. It's all three, really. i remember you saying back in the early days of our relationship something like "let's see the world as half full, girl". Today i just embrace that even more. i will also embrace the gift of living in each day as it comes.

i'm not sure how i moved away from living with joy in each day but i did. Before going farther i would like to offer this confession to You, Master. i don't know if it's stress, or hormones, or lack of sleep or what but probably a combination of all that plus some other things just have interfered with my grateful service to You. i didn't realize that until today. Maybe i've just been a pain in the ass. Maybe been bratty. Yet in the moment i thought i was serving well. But i think i lost sight of staying in the day and in the moment of just being grateful for You.

So, i confess a need to be accountability grateful. What i mean is this. Daily meditating. Bathroom times always with clamps and touches and visualization and pee. Cocks to ride on daily and being grateful in knowing it's Your pussy being made wet. Your nipple sheilds. Daily or multiple times daily, edging. Daily or multiple times a day fantasizing. Daily kegels. Lots of water. Daily writing to You about it all right here because You want me to because it keeps us connected during our busy lives. You've given me structure and i'm tapping into it more by talking to You about it.

So grateful to You, Master for Your patience and care.

Anybody Can Say No

There may never be agreement as to what constitutes slavery in the world of D/s, but i have some ideas and opinions about consentual slavery and the practice of M/s as i understand it at this point in time...

i believe that anyone in a consentual relationship can say no. Anybody. A two year old knows how.

i believe even more strongly that a submissive can say no and a slave can say no. Yes, slaves. It isn't always easy to say no, but there are always circumstances where our will superscedes the will of another. i do not mean that it is a wise choice for a slave to say no to Master, but it can be done and has been done.

i don't believe that slavery is measured by the degree of how easily he or she gives in, surrenders, obeys, performs, etc.

i believe that slavery is the reflection of Master's work in her, and of her resulting service. It's a reflection of the ultimate alignment of the submissive to the Master, the yin to the yang. His needs become hers. His desires, hers.
Slavery does not start and stop from bedroom to the rest of life. i believe that the slave exists in relationship to the Master... without Master, there is no slave. Potential, yes. But a slave is not a slave until there is service.

The slave may have her own opinions, her intellect. And because her world is so aligned with His, her opinions and intellect are so often put to use in service to Him.

i also know that there have been books and articles written about this because it's not an easy topic. This concludes my 2 cents worth. For now.

Working Past the Self

Or maybe it's pushing self out of the way? Or maybe it's sending self away for good.

i am a selfish submissive. Don't know quite what to do about that except to keep saying "please forgive". And thank You for not giving up.

There must be this: "yes, this is what i want".... "is this what you want, crys, to serve Me...." "yes, this is what i want"..... yes yes yes this is who i want to be, Yours.

However, i don't like being the selfish submissive who keeps tracking back to her own needs. i don't want to be a selfish person. It's so ugly.

Selfish submission is maybe the same thing as easy submission for me at this point. Feel good submission. It's like chocolate... i mean, who wouldn't love it and want tastes as often as possible. i find that i want to give when my submission is so easy to give that it flows. When it takes me to a lovely place i just want more and want it to feel like that all the time.

And sometimes it's as though my submission has to pulled from me. i'm finding that as the top layers of submission are now pulled back, there are the strongholds waiting for You, Master, to dismantle one by one.

i understand now. Surrendering to submit, that's it. i'm understanding the full implications of surrender. And now i know that surrender can be so painful. So painful. Surrender is not always about warm fuzzy things. Surrender is about me getting out of the way for everything. For anything. And to follow You and serve no matter what. To serve You and to turn that pain into pleasure when need be.

Who ever called this "the gift of submission"? Aren't presents supposed to be pretty? This isn't pretty. It's uncomfortable. It's emotionally painful. The exorcism resulting from the emotional pain goes so much deeper than anything wrought from the administration of physical pain in a typical scene. The misery is that i usually don't see what's going on until it's too late to use this pain as erotic pain. The good is that now i know and can make it work and maybe some day it'll not be such a huge deal

Doing OK, Doing Good, Better Than Good, Really!

Bubble bath, candles, a Cosmo Martini (or 2) .... but the very best part of that night was time with Master. Time to hear him, laugh with him, feel him, and be taken away by him. To be disciplined. He cares and i love that he cares.

It's in the coming together of needs in this special and glorious way that i serve him but how is it that in serving him i feel that he gives me so much? i try to intellectualize this process but really can't and hope to give that up because it does no good.

i've also had another "a ha" moment (probably again but isn't it like me to need to go back over it again and again) and that is that i have to use fantasy to engage my mind so that pussy can follow. So simple. i do it to some extent but i just finally understood how big a part it plays in being led over the edge to orgasm. During meditation i mostly focused on the feelings in Master's cunt and nipples so i could carry that into edging. But i don't think i was using enough fantasy in edging but, instead, would fall back on feelings. i love feelings and sensations but isn't it true that combining feelings, sensations with vivid fantasy the way to blast off?

Power of His Suggestions

my clit throbs each time he tells me i am his good girl. Every time without fail. When he refers to me as his cunt, or his slut, the wetness runs from this pussy. When i even imagine him saying those words it happens.

We spoke a couple of nights ago just after i'd finished meditating and he told me that he'd be using my cunt.

"I'm seated in a chair and you are standing astride me offering me your cunt. I'm lowering you onto my cock. Tell me what you feel."

"i feel your cock teasing the opening of my pussy. i feel fingers rubbing along side my clit."

"Yessss. You love how that feels, don't you my slut? Pull your nipples for me. Twist them, twist them hard. Good girl. As i fuck you, you will say 'Master' again and again. Each time my cock fucks your pussy, you will say 'Master'. With each thrust of my cock you will call out to me and say 'Master' and the harder I fuck you the faster you will speak. The faster you speak the harder I fuck my slut. Understood my girl?"

"Yes, Sir, i understand."

"You are such a good girl, you love being My good girl, don't you?

"Yes Sir" i whisper.

"you're My good girl, now begin."

It was as he said it would be and i felt his cock enter me each time i said "Master". Faster and faster i spoke his name and faster and harder i could feel his cock. The pleasure rippled through my body as in my mind i was being fucked and used by my Master.

Then within a circle of bright light i stood. The nearness of him made me shudder and the anticipation of what was to come caused my breasts swell and nipples lengthen. He'd cuffed my wrists and clamped them together some time earlier. He bound me to the rope that hung from the center of the ceiling. my legs were spread and my back was arched downward so as to present my ass to him.

i heard the others gathering in the shadows. A man approached me from behind and spread my ass and i felt the tip of his cock begin to spread me open. His cock was narrow and as he fucked from behind Master held my head and fucked my mouth.

The man finished and stepped away.

The woman was next. i could see that she was very small of build and in a black leather corset. Just a little pixie, a little vixen, she had mere buds for breasts and little to no ass but her most amazing feature was her tongue.

"Offer your ass to her, my slut."

Then i felt her tongue snake into my pussy.... all the way in. Faster and faster she fucked. Then to my ass and her strong tongue pushed its way deeper and deeper as Master fucked my mouth. She finished. i was reminded to thank her.

And then, after the shudders of orgasm faded, he said i was to refer to him as Master from now on. Would i like that? Yes, yes, yes. Thank You!

Will You Be My Dominant?

It occured to me that in the mind of a vanilla spouse or partner the prospect of being somebody's dominant might be a really scary idea even if they can get their mind around it. Just today i realized what a huge responsibility i placed squarely in the lap of my spouse who probably would have been just as happy not to have it in his lap at all. Imagine the feelings and thoughts when ideas such as these are presented.

"A lifestyle submissive usually feels unfulfilled or bereft when there is no positive, dominant presence in his or her life. Emotionally, the lifestyle submissive typically desires to be in a subservient position to a fundamentally benevolent authority who supervises and disciplines, punishes, and rewards. .....in this context the fact of control is a confirmation of love and commitment."

"To the lifestyle dominant, a consistent ability to control all areas of a consenting partner's life is intrinsic to his or her identity as a person of power and authority and is a source of self esteem. With this power comes responsibility, a responsibility that dominants find deeply fulfilling. Many actively work toward improving the quality of their submissives' lives and see themselves in the role of protector, parent, and teacher. They are the submissives' greatest ally and advocate."

From The Loving Dominant by Brame, Brame and Jacobs

i know this is an oversimplification of the control-sensitive relationship but earlier today i thought back over the course of the last few years. i remembered especially the first time i shared with a vanilla friend and a family member about my need to submit and what it entailed. You can imagine the deer caught in the headlights looks as i explained in near joy about this self understanding. Maybe it helps to remember that we need to wait for the other half to catch up.

There's Hope

Saturday. Chores-yuck.... but it does feel good to have the beds changed, paperwork filed away.... you know how it is.

"What a busy girl you've been this morning" Mr. said as he climbed the stairs and saw the laundry ready to be carried downstairs. That pushed my submissive buttons and i went on to describe just how busy a girl i'd been. "I've been a good girl getting all of this done" as i kissed him and he agreed and bent me over the soft pillows and comforter gathered on the foot of our bed.

His hard cock behind the buttons of his jeans rubbed across my ass and his hands pushed me further into the bedding. As he ground himself into me, his hands slid under the cups of my bra, teasing and his teeth found my neck. "i love being made useable to you" i murmered. "you do, huh... " i struggled.... bites hurt... and he wrapped a handfull of my hair through his fingers and pushed my face into the mattress and whispered "i think you need a little plug", pulled my pants down around my knees and walked to the side of the bed, leaving me exposed and waiting.

The big toobox opened and i watched as he found what he needed. "i don't think thongs have much use except for one thing" i said as he lubed the tip of the plug. "oh? what's that" "to hold the plugs in" ..... smiles... and i heard the floor creak as he walked back around me. How can 5 steps seem to take such a long time?! i felt fingers spreading me open, oh gawd, he's looking up my ass... then the cold wet lubed plug easing in. Heaven.

i thought he was done, i thought he'd have me pull up my pants and get on with the day. But he wasn't.

i heard the belt buckle rattle. The sound of the jeans opening. Am i going to get the belt across my ass..... i hope so, soooo hope so. But not today. Today is about me being used for his pleasure, and he took his by covering the small of my back with his cum.

He cleaned me up, pulled up my pants, and walked away.

He is my soul mate on many levels. I've known him for 37 years. He has an inventory of my baggage and loves me anyways. He knows of the deep need in me to be used, owned, objectified, hurt-in-love, made accountable, punished..... and doesn't really understand any of it. So when there are days like today when he has sought me out for his pleasure, the fire in me is quenched for a time. i am grateful. And i hold hope in that we might find and push his dominant buttons. Who knows, maybe someday he'll feel the need enough, or feel safe enough to express. If it's in him.

i accept

i'm not serving anyone right now, not in the traditional sense of a submissive/slave serving a Dominant and each party understanding the dynamics involved. (How funny to use the word traditional with slave and Dominant :).) It makes me so restless. When i am not being used my radar works overtime running in the background of every thing i do looking for the "fit", the "connection", some little "fix" to quench the needs. i don't even mean sexual, or sensual. Just the feeling of the "fit" if even for a moment.

i've been taught that acceptance is key, and i believe that it is. i accept that i made a choice for what i felt was a higher good for myself and my family when i walked away from a D/s relationship back into my vanilla life. i accept that in doing so i have been blessed and have brought family healing. i accept that i must be careful right now because i'm vulnerable and i accept that i will probably not be satisfied until i can serve in the deep and magnified manner of a slave/sub's service.

i feel as though the D/s relationship is a deeper and magnified version of vanilla relationships both in the sexual and non-sexual sense. Not talking about M/s or BDSM here, but in the purity of serving one another with O/our unique gifts. If we could all be just a little more attentive and a little more willing to go the extra mile, imagine what our world would be like. So, in the meantime, i will continue to find ways to serve within the greater good of family, friends, and profession because i do have something very lovely to give and good things always come back, don't they?

Empty Mind

i have to admit that i just don't know what to write about today. So i've decided that maybe it's a good thing that i don't know what to write about. i think it's good because it's showing me that the sub-thoughts that can be so preoccupying can calm down.

Also, i've decided that i have a responsibility to myself and the one i wish to serve by keeping my mind directed to that purpose.

OK.... i don't think these two ideas are in opposition to one another. The sub-thoughts are quietly working away in the background of my mind and when the time comes to pull them out, i am sure the one i wish to serve will do just that.

Fitting Pieces

Does the need ever go away?

In the big picture of life, how important is it to be able to express this need to..... i dunno... serve in a way that facilitates the submissive parts interlocking with Dominant parts? To be used? To be required to achieve? i wonder if i will ever figure this out!

i thought i was all done with today's post and then i remembered that i must try to get to the point of whatever it is that makes me write this stuff. So here it is

sometimes i wonder if i create the need by feeding it and agreeing to it being fed.... or does it come naturally...

no.... i don't think i created it.

Feeding the Submissive

i feel that feeding the submissive....

is the giving of information from Master to submissive... hopefully me :).

This information might be visual aides, such as pictures or videos,

might be painting a picture with words to take me where he wants my mind (or body) to be,

might be pushing my buttons within the context of a conversation.

i believe that these methods and others like them are used to hardwire my sub mind.

The information might be used to teach a behavior such as how to pleasure him in a way he prefers to be pleased. Or it could be as a demonstration of technique to expand my knowledge base.

Another purpose of feeding is to keep my cravings high so that i am able to serve more deeply and immediately. And i wish to serve, to please. The more i am fed, the more i wish to please, and the result is he draws me closer and closer towards him and i become more deeply submissive to him and also in my overall submissive feelings that i carry with me through the day. And his dominance may be triggered.

Submissive Being or Doing

i don't like labels but i seem to like definitions. Maybe it's because definitions give information and allow people to plug the knowledge into their existing knowledge base. Labels are just kind of -YIKES- black and white. Why do i have such an issue with labels??

Using labels is helpful for a cook to know the difference between bottles cayenne pepper and cinnamon..... i know that they're important in lots of ways. They give people a common ground upon which to build and interact .......

Maybe the issue is that when people make up their minds about something and slap a label on it and when that something is not a concrete or stable thing but is flowing and alive and interactive and changing, the label has to allow for that with fluidity.

The other day i was thinking along the lines of being a submissive or doing submission. i can't remember it now even tho i remembered it 10 min ago. Another escaped 'ah ha' moment lolol middle age, gotta love it! i know it'll come back to me and then i can finish this thought. The jist of it was... i think... that submission is a state of mind and so many people think submission is about doing stuff or having stuff done to them. What about this..... maybe the "doing stuff" is out of obediance and it becomes submission when the obediance is to the one i've placed my .... self. Still not sure here.

It seems like submission is a need and a craving for me. It builds and builds and builds and then when there is release by submitting, i'm good for a time. oh wow .... now understanding that one of my needs for submission must be to have a strong patriarch.... don't want to use "daddy" because i don't know about that.... but i have craved strong male control always and rarely had it. Someone who keeps me from getting away with stuff .... someone to stop me in my tracks. i felt like i knew this before but now i understand that this is big.

i search and search within my relationships in r/l and it's like i'm asking "won't somebody do this? won't somebody step up and take this from me??" it just hasn't happened.

On another topic, i read excerpts from this book a long time ago and now there is a book. This book i will order today.... The Control Book by Peter Masters.... finally, a book that is about the psychology of D/s and not a how to bdsm book.
link to excerpt: http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

More and Maybe Some Light This Time

The middle of the night sure brings out the whinies doesn't it? That last post is something! Actually i am glad it's there because it's all true and all part of figuring this out.

After i wrote that i stood in a hot shower for a very long time, just thinking some more. I know i've talked about some of this before but i suppose i'm still working it thru... and that is....

that it's not about me, it is about submission. It's my submission and that's where i do come in to make it mine because it's my need to express. A Need.

It's all a balance. It can never be just and only about any one person or something is probably very unhealthy. It's really about taking care of each other with the power dynamic in place.

Another thing we've talked about more than once is that it's not only about sex. What i think is happening at home is that i look for the power exchange to happen in a sexual, BDSM way because it doesn't happen at the interpersonal level and probably won't. BINGO i think i'm onto something. Power Exchange Need translating into "sexual Need" which is actually better defined as sexual want. And what i desire so very much is for the power exchange to happen at the interpersonal level. If it happens there, it will naturally follow that it happens sexually as well.

The Dark

Real world..... Last night i tried to explain to my H, tried to put "me" into words, tried to explain this sub girl's wants but i think it's about needs and it's about me and i want it to be about someone else to such extreme...... and i don't know how to get us on the same page. And i think that is what is my responsibility.... getting him into my library, my book and eventually on the same page.

my intensity and need for intensity... my neediness which i suppose is the not so nice way of saying that yes, wrap me up in chains and make me yours.... my darkness.... ditto the last thought.... the depths i want to go.....

and in response i get a gaze....

i know that in these ways he is not the yin to my yang
he is not the D to my s

he tries to understand and thinks maybe we need counselling? sex counselling? he realizes that his drive is so less than mine....

i say no, don't think so... i don't think that this little bump in the road sends us to an "expert".... but yes, i'm concerned that we were both home for a week and the hooks in the basement never saw use....

i find that he is a bit resentful of those hooks and what they represent... a lot of work on his part and no return...

but what we decided is that it is my responsibility to bring him into this world, this darkness, to tell him about my fantasies, to seed his mind with stories and ideas, like my mind has been seeded....

i asked him if he thought it was wrong to be thinking sexually at 3:00 in the afternoon rather than thinking about washing coffee pots or whatever it is he thinks about instead of fucking...

he said no, not wrong, just different

he knows i need to live life on a more intense level than he does.... no, i don't like roller coasters and high risk bu....t i have a need to feel at a level that scares me sometimes.... feeling emotionally and physically and intellectually...

he agreed that my mind is a place that he can barely comprehend and he's known me for more than 30 years....

so, ok... i can do this... otherwise, how will he ever know ... i can share with him a little bit

and we agreed that it will be my job to find "things" online.... he mentioned kama sutra ..... i mentioned some erotica.... he's ok with it...

i asked him if he can accept me, all of me, all of my thoughts.... otherwise i go to that alone place and draw further away from him.... i said we are too young to be platonic and i just don't want to live that way... we agreed that sex is like number 4 on the human need/drive list so, let's have some

Acceptance

One might wonder with a title of "Acceptance" that i intend to write about accepting myself as a submissive person. But this is not what's on my mind. I accepted it long ago..... the challenge now is if or why or how i express this quality within the life (and i don't mean Lifestyle) i have chosen.

Put aside thoughts of cuffs and ropes and collars and ball gags and blindfolds. Don't even think about using "Sir" or "Master" in conversation. Cravings? Fetish clothing? After stripping those "Standards of the Lifestyle", what is left to allow some sort of expression? How important is it to exercise submissive expression? I wonder if i've put too much importance on Expression of the lifestyle. Maybe it's best to accept my life choice.

Maybe the desire goes where the mind goes so control the mind and there follows the desire.