Working Past the Self

Or maybe it's pushing self out of the way? Or maybe it's sending self away for good.

i am a selfish submissive. Don't know quite what to do about that except to keep saying "please forgive". And thank You for not giving up.

There must be this: "yes, this is what i want".... "is this what you want, crys, to serve Me...." "yes, this is what i want"..... yes yes yes this is who i want to be, Yours.

However, i don't like being the selfish submissive who keeps tracking back to her own needs. i don't want to be a selfish person. It's so ugly.

Selfish submission is maybe the same thing as easy submission for me at this point. Feel good submission. It's like chocolate... i mean, who wouldn't love it and want tastes as often as possible. i find that i want to give when my submission is so easy to give that it flows. When it takes me to a lovely place i just want more and want it to feel like that all the time.

And sometimes it's as though my submission has to pulled from me. i'm finding that as the top layers of submission are now pulled back, there are the strongholds waiting for You, Master, to dismantle one by one.

i understand now. Surrendering to submit, that's it. i'm understanding the full implications of surrender. And now i know that surrender can be so painful. So painful. Surrender is not always about warm fuzzy things. Surrender is about me getting out of the way for everything. For anything. And to follow You and serve no matter what. To serve You and to turn that pain into pleasure when need be.

Who ever called this "the gift of submission"? Aren't presents supposed to be pretty? This isn't pretty. It's uncomfortable. It's emotionally painful. The exorcism resulting from the emotional pain goes so much deeper than anything wrought from the administration of physical pain in a typical scene. The misery is that i usually don't see what's going on until it's too late to use this pain as erotic pain. The good is that now i know and can make it work and maybe some day it'll not be such a huge deal