Closing Up Shop -- Going on "Holiday"

I'll be closing up shop soon. I've been on a "permissions only" status for a couple of days now. It was very touching to hear that people actually read this blog and even more touching to know that some have wondered why my blog went to password only. Short answer? I'm going on holiday meaning I'm just ready to take a break. I'll be the only one to have permission because I'm not ready to delete all this stuff but don't want to share it anymore either.

I have decided to stop blogging for a while as it's become like a tail attempting to wag me ;). I tend to start thinking about numbers and when they climb my ego comes in and then I want to write things to get even more readers. That can't be why I write. I'm not really sure why I write but I am sure that writing for numbers is not the best path for me. I have no less than four posts in draft form, all "Dear Master" types of entries that are pretty much blubbering bullshit to anyone but me. So in draft they will stay because the healing came in the writing, not in the sharing.

It does not feel good to me knowing that strangers are "getting off" on my stuff.... it used to charge me but now it just makes me feel yucky. I find that I can express just as well or better by writing personal e-mails to Master and that works best because I need to know that someone I care about hears me.

I've even toyed with the idea of posting erotic or even pornographic photos here and, really, the only reason would be to get attention. For me, it is attention that does me no good. Sex blogs, lifestyle blogs, pictures taken to entice a reaction or to get people to look and comment and masturbate over is a culture that is just not comfortable for me to read or to create.

Things are alright, though.... I'm mainly just really trying to figure out how to live as a submissive in a vanilla life without crossing the line.

bringing up slut

When i was maybe 2 or 3 my mother had to pull a little toy out from my pussy because i'd been playing in it during my naptime and the toy had gotten slippery, buried and stuck.

When i was about 5 i loved to take off my lacy panties and stand over the drain in the basement to pee in it.

When i was 9 i rubbed my pussy along the crossbar of my bike and ground it in, loving the feelings.

When i was 12, 13, 14, 15..... i would lay in my bed whenever i could with my pants off, legs spread, and sticking anything i could find into my needy pussy. i'd imagine that i was being watched and i'd orgasm.

When i was a teen i would lay under the water faucet in the bathtub and let the water run onto my clit until i'd cum. i didn't know what it was called but i wanted to do it again and again.

i would look at my wet pussy in the mirror and watch as i'd finger or insert things and watch as it changed color as it became swollen.

When i was 16 i went with some girls and boys to a loft apartment in the city. It was the home of one of the moms who was divorced and she was with her friends drinking wine. We drank some wine with them and then went to the upper level. i remember hands groping, feeling my wet pussy. The boy put my hand on his cock and he came all over my hands. i felt so guilty. One of the moms hugged me and said i'd be okay. She was right.

When i was about 18, my mother found some erotica in my brother's room. She was livid and threw in into the trash can. i went into the garage and i found it. It was a magazine filled with black and white images of a woman tied to a chair, her legs spread, her pubic hair was a large and thick triangle and her lips protruded just a bit. A man was standing over her. As i stood in the garage i reached under my dress and violently orgasmed when my finger touched my clit.

Is it any wonder that Master's pussy craves as it does?

The New Start

The romantic in me just couldn’t wait for the day I would find my “One” .... my Sir or Master. When I would have to ask to use the bathroom or to come. When I’d be required to account for my time and when I’d be required to make time for Him ahead of myself. All that. I enjoy making time for the man in my life and I enjoy telling him what I have done with my days and nights. But that isn’t the same as being required to.

As life would have it, things didn’t work out quite that way. When the time came for me to introduce the idea of D/s to my Mr. and when the deer in the headlights expression faded from his face, we decided that we should see what should be done to bring him up to speed about this thing that I so desperately wanted (and need) called lifestyle D/s. So I ordered some books. We went to the kinky sex shop. We looked online at toys and at informative websites and on his own he looked up D/s and S&M in psychological websites to see if it was even healthy. I really sweat that one out for a while.

Not only did I want a Sir, I wanted to say it. To say the word Master. We tried it and when I said Master to him it sounded so fake that we cracked up. It didn’t push any of his buttons I guess and I suppose I didn’t really believe it enough to pass on the energy to him. “Sir” lasted a little while longer but even that faded after a while. Maybe I should try it again.

About the 4th time I asked for permission to pee I got a glare and an only slightly peeved response something like “I don’t care”.... so, okay ... just a little dead end there.

But all of that was over a year ago. Maybe it’s time to try again?

So the other day I brought up the idea of punishment, you know, like “what if you asked me to do something and I didn’t will you punish me?” and “maybe when I do something you don’t like I need to be punished” and I got that look again, the only slightly peeved look with a response of “I do not want to punish you.”

Okay. Another little dead end not to mention that I just hate it when I am so wishy washy about asking for what I need. But why is it so hard for me to just tell him all of these things that I write about in here? Because it requires a level of emotional soul baring that is uncomfortable.

Maybe I should take my own advice, the advice I gave to kitten about sharing her secret fantasies with her Master.... be myself. Dress submissively, ask for permission to read, and begin at the beginning.

Will You Be My Dominant?

It occured to me that in the mind of a vanilla spouse or partner the prospect of being somebody's dominant might be a really scary idea even if they can get their mind around it. Just today i realized what a huge responsibility i placed squarely in the lap of my spouse who probably would have been just as happy not to have it in his lap at all. Imagine the feelings and thoughts when ideas such as these are presented.

"A lifestyle submissive usually feels unfulfilled or bereft when there is no positive, dominant presence in his or her life. Emotionally, the lifestyle submissive typically desires to be in a subservient position to a fundamentally benevolent authority who supervises and disciplines, punishes, and rewards. .....in this context the fact of control is a confirmation of love and commitment."

"To the lifestyle dominant, a consistent ability to control all areas of a consenting partner's life is intrinsic to his or her identity as a person of power and authority and is a source of self esteem. With this power comes responsibility, a responsibility that dominants find deeply fulfilling. Many actively work toward improving the quality of their submissives' lives and see themselves in the role of protector, parent, and teacher. They are the submissives' greatest ally and advocate."

From The Loving Dominant by Brame, Brame and Jacobs

i know this is an oversimplification of the control-sensitive relationship but earlier today i thought back over the course of the last few years. i remembered especially the first time i shared with a vanilla friend and a family member about my need to submit and what it entailed. You can imagine the deer caught in the headlights looks as i explained in near joy about this self understanding. Maybe it helps to remember that we need to wait for the other half to catch up.

There's Hope

Saturday. Chores-yuck.... but it does feel good to have the beds changed, paperwork filed away.... you know how it is.

"What a busy girl you've been this morning" Mr. said as he climbed the stairs and saw the laundry ready to be carried downstairs. That pushed my submissive buttons and i went on to describe just how busy a girl i'd been. "I've been a good girl getting all of this done" as i kissed him and he agreed and bent me over the soft pillows and comforter gathered on the foot of our bed.

His hard cock behind the buttons of his jeans rubbed across my ass and his hands pushed me further into the bedding. As he ground himself into me, his hands slid under the cups of my bra, teasing and his teeth found my neck. "i love being made useable to you" i murmered. "you do, huh... " i struggled.... bites hurt... and he wrapped a handfull of my hair through his fingers and pushed my face into the mattress and whispered "i think you need a little plug", pulled my pants down around my knees and walked to the side of the bed, leaving me exposed and waiting.

The big toobox opened and i watched as he found what he needed. "i don't think thongs have much use except for one thing" i said as he lubed the tip of the plug. "oh? what's that" "to hold the plugs in" ..... smiles... and i heard the floor creak as he walked back around me. How can 5 steps seem to take such a long time?! i felt fingers spreading me open, oh gawd, he's looking up my ass... then the cold wet lubed plug easing in. Heaven.

i thought he was done, i thought he'd have me pull up my pants and get on with the day. But he wasn't.

i heard the belt buckle rattle. The sound of the jeans opening. Am i going to get the belt across my ass..... i hope so, soooo hope so. But not today. Today is about me being used for his pleasure, and he took his by covering the small of my back with his cum.

He cleaned me up, pulled up my pants, and walked away.

He is my soul mate on many levels. I've known him for 37 years. He has an inventory of my baggage and loves me anyways. He knows of the deep need in me to be used, owned, objectified, hurt-in-love, made accountable, punished..... and doesn't really understand any of it. So when there are days like today when he has sought me out for his pleasure, the fire in me is quenched for a time. i am grateful. And i hold hope in that we might find and push his dominant buttons. Who knows, maybe someday he'll feel the need enough, or feel safe enough to express. If it's in him.

Getting Back to the Story

It's time i began writing again even though only a week has passed without an entry. Funny how journaling doesn't seem as important any more now that it isn't an expectation or an act of obediance. And this realization is another affirmation of the "pleasing sub" needing "pleasing work".... and i don't have pleasing work to do any longer. i'll make a note to come back to that thought after i get this story down.....

To continue and maybe finish this little retelling of a memory, when i was in Jr. High, my girl friends and i would sometimes get together for slumber parties. We had one favorite place to gather and that was at an old house and it was pretty large. It was dark with creaking floors and there were several rooms on the second floor that all connected one to the next.

i remember the games of capture, and of masters owning slaves, and of one person being in charge and directing the activities of the other girls.

i wonder why i can't remember more about it to retell (maybe too many years have passed) but i do know that i was always one who wanted to be chosen, to be owned, to be the slave, to be led around by a gruff girl. i wanted to be the very special one.

The parties were a bit sexually charged, and none of us had much idea about sexuality. Some of the girls called them mo parties... A fair amount of teenaged embarassment followed the memories for a while as though it was more important to just forget such things that seemed to us to be childish but were, in fact, very natural.

Point of this story? Submissive drive and yearning began long ago. That is so affirming to me.

Submissive Being or Doing

i don't like labels but i seem to like definitions. Maybe it's because definitions give information and allow people to plug the knowledge into their existing knowledge base. Labels are just kind of -YIKES- black and white. Why do i have such an issue with labels??

Using labels is helpful for a cook to know the difference between bottles cayenne pepper and cinnamon..... i know that they're important in lots of ways. They give people a common ground upon which to build and interact .......

Maybe the issue is that when people make up their minds about something and slap a label on it and when that something is not a concrete or stable thing but is flowing and alive and interactive and changing, the label has to allow for that with fluidity.

The other day i was thinking along the lines of being a submissive or doing submission. i can't remember it now even tho i remembered it 10 min ago. Another escaped 'ah ha' moment lolol middle age, gotta love it! i know it'll come back to me and then i can finish this thought. The jist of it was... i think... that submission is a state of mind and so many people think submission is about doing stuff or having stuff done to them. What about this..... maybe the "doing stuff" is out of obediance and it becomes submission when the obediance is to the one i've placed my .... self. Still not sure here.

It seems like submission is a need and a craving for me. It builds and builds and builds and then when there is release by submitting, i'm good for a time. oh wow .... now understanding that one of my needs for submission must be to have a strong patriarch.... don't want to use "daddy" because i don't know about that.... but i have craved strong male control always and rarely had it. Someone who keeps me from getting away with stuff .... someone to stop me in my tracks. i felt like i knew this before but now i understand that this is big.

i search and search within my relationships in r/l and it's like i'm asking "won't somebody do this? won't somebody step up and take this from me??" it just hasn't happened.

On another topic, i read excerpts from this book a long time ago and now there is a book. This book i will order today.... The Control Book by Peter Masters.... finally, a book that is about the psychology of D/s and not a how to bdsm book.
link to excerpt: http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

Grey

Every morning begins with thoughts of this journal. Sometimes topics come clearly, sometimes i haven't a clue, but this short time has taught me that thoughts will bubble up as needed and time will make itself available and here we go.....

Thinking today about the movie called Gone Baby Gone. I like "escape" movies, but i also love to have my mind fully engaged. This one kept me thinking. On the surface this movie is a story about a lost child, an alcoholic mother and police corruption.... maybe some social injustice thrown in... but to me shows us so powerfully that life is not black and white but is largely grey.... what seems so perfectly right is also so perfectly wrong. At the same time it defends the principle of the slippery slope.... that once one small step is taken in the direction away from society's or one's personal limits, the next is easier and pretty soon we're at the bottom of the hill looking up at what was once our life, or principles, or belief system. It was probably our thinking within the "shades of grey" area that took us down the slope.

I'm not making a value judgment as to whether this is right or wrong or positive or negative. What i'm saying is that life stretches us if we allow it to or even in spite of ourselves so maybe it's a good idea to invite the change and stretch rather than fight it off. And as we step down the slope, we can look back from time to time to see if this is, indeed, the place we hope to be.

This is supposed to be my journal of submission and i'm not sure what this has to do with submitting. I think, though, that it's another admission to and affirmation of myself that this is the right place to be. Sir said that the two paths are not at odds.... loving my vanilla life and relationships while at the same time submitting to him. I am both of those women....And i believe that and admit that. I'll even call it a win-win. I'm a submissive woman within a D/s life and a vanilla life at the same time. The struggle is because this path is unconventional (however not uncommon). My little black-grey-white meter dial flips all over the place which just shows what.... growth? that i have a ways to go? dunno.... it's not upsetting .... i just think it challenges me which probably stirs up some uncomfortableness....

maybe that's it.... the nugget of the day.... challenge stirs up uncomfortable things.... how i do look forward to Sir challenging me to draw out every ounce of me to allow me to give it all to him

my gratitude to you, Sir.....

yours,
me

Triad

Because i am in an established and long term vanilla relationship and made the difficult choice to actually go back to it after living alone and with a Master for a time, i sometimes wonder how and if i will ever be able to serve in a true D/s fashin again.

i was once invited to join an established M/f couple. This is how i understood it to work and still do.....it works for me to be a beta at the invitation of the alpha, and then the Master.

i don't feel like i can serve a Master who is single or has no sub because i can't provide the contact he'd need.

i'm not sure if i can meet the needs of a Master who is also in a vanilla relationship with someone else. So, is poly the answer?

I can't serve a Master who has a submissive already because of the f/f dynamic. I'll explain...

In order for a triad to work, the primary sub must desire it first and foremost. Her thinking must be something like this... she must have a desire to have a submissive for the "C/couple"... she must find her pleasure and service in sharing that submissive-beta with her Master because it pleases him. There is zero room for jealousy and if the beta has designs on coming in and taking the place of the alpha, that's grounds for packing bags.

More of the Story

They were always "there".... not on a daily basis or a weekly basis even... Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes months would pass, but always "there" for when i wandered back into their lives with a question, or a need, or a clarification, or a hug.

He was the first person who challenged me about the extent of my submissive nature. I denied it. He challenged me about it being a Need and i said no, not a need but i am curious and at that time of life i was curious and i was in the process of disolving a marriage and discovering myself. Like so many middle aged women, i'd completely lost track of myself and had no understanding at all of what made me tick.
I knew they'd hoped to have a beta join them and for a time in early 2006 it looked like that person might be me. But the prospect of waiting another couple of years was unthinkable to me.... I'd been living alone for a year or so and i had not felt the sexual touch of another person for more than a year... about a year and a half, so with their blessing, i met a Dom in my city and began a relationship with him.

At the same time, decisions needed to be made as to whether or not i would go back home and because life is not simple, and my choices were to have great effect on 3 other people at the very least (and 2 of those i love more than anyone), i made the choice to leave my Sir and go home.

My thinking at that time and still is today is that my mister loved and loves me, never gave up, my children were watching and saw their dad do lots of hard work, and i knew with a large amount of certainty, that he was not the same man i'd lived with and left. The moral high road was to go back. The reasons for leaving were no longer there. I also knew that this dominant was not my lifetime "One".

I'd kept in touch with my two "footholds" in the lifestyle and they understood. They understood because he'd had to make a choice also except he'd chosen to leave his traditional life for the lifestyle and to live with the love of his life and a chance to live as the dominant, openly. I couldn't do that.

My husband and i were close to being strangers when i moved back. We had to establish emotional intimacy and then, later on, phyisical intimacy. I told him of my kinky desires, my submissive nature, what i'd learned about the lifestyle and just anything imaginable as i shared with him what i hoped our lives would look like from there on. I was pretty much convinced that there was a "real" dominant hiding in there.... just had to find those deep buttons and push them.

He didn't get me "flying" like my former Sir had.... but i fell in love all over again and realized that nobody can have it all.... we make choices, and usually choices are not black and white but shades of grey. We do what we can with what we have which is what i've done.

As the months went by and we moved along into summer. i expressed some frustration in not being taken deep enough. I was enjoying the bdsm.... hubby and i'd bought some toys, i got to be slutty sometimes, got to be flogged, etc.... but i just couldn't "feel it" feel the domination from him.... most of the little "things" i'd try to use to bolster or bring out his dominance fell on unhearing ears or he'd think they were silly. He didn't want to be called master, or sir. Didn't care about disciplining me. Didn't want to give me permission... he'd say if you want to go do it.

And it's ok.... because he is who he is... One day my long time D/s friend said.... we both know your husband is not a true by nature dominant. And i was soooo pissed! And after a month or so, i came back and admitted it. It was true. So the 3 of us set upon the task of working with what i had to work with, and focusing on my family and my home and what i love.... always, always just helping me work with what i had and helping me trouble shoot if needed. She wrote me, agreeing with me that i could not live with myself if i had a local "affair"... the guilt would be awful. Yet i can't deny that i have submissive needs that can stay at a low simmer for a very long while, but if not dealt with, tend to blow.

Heating Up

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