The romantic in me just couldn’t wait for the day I would find my “One” .... my Sir or Master. When I would have to ask to use the bathroom or to come. When I’d be required to account for my time and when I’d be required to make time for Him ahead of myself. All that. I enjoy making time for the man in my life and I enjoy telling him what I have done with my days and nights. But that isn’t the same as being required to.
As life would have it, things didn’t work out quite that way. When the time came for me to introduce the idea of D/s to my Mr. and when the deer in the headlights expression faded from his face, we decided that we should see what should be done to bring him up to speed about this thing that I so desperately wanted (and need) called lifestyle D/s. So I ordered some books. We went to the kinky sex shop. We looked online at toys and at informative websites and on his own he looked up D/s and S&M in psychological websites to see if it was even healthy. I really sweat that one out for a while.
Not only did I want a Sir, I wanted to say it. To say the word Master. We tried it and when I said Master to him it sounded so fake that we cracked up. It didn’t push any of his buttons I guess and I suppose I didn’t really believe it enough to pass on the energy to him. “Sir” lasted a little while longer but even that faded after a while. Maybe I should try it again.
About the 4th time I asked for permission to pee I got a glare and an only slightly peeved response something like “I don’t care”.... so, okay ... just a little dead end there.
But all of that was over a year ago. Maybe it’s time to try again?
So the other day I brought up the idea of punishment, you know, like “what if you asked me to do something and I didn’t will you punish me?” and “maybe when I do something you don’t like I need to be punished” and I got that look again, the only slightly peeved look with a response of “I do not want to punish you.”
Okay. Another little dead end not to mention that I just hate it when I am so wishy washy about asking for what I need. But why is it so hard for me to just tell him all of these things that I write about in here? Because it requires a level of emotional soul baring that is uncomfortable.
Maybe I should take my own advice, the advice I gave to kitten about sharing her secret fantasies with her Master.... be myself. Dress submissively, ask for permission to read, and begin at the beginning.
It all started… what?…8 years ago now?
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Once again, I am going to try and recreate the post FL ate yesterday. I
have been 24/7 live in with Master for almost a year and a half now. I’ve
been his ...
10 years ago
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7 comments:
i have to admit, when my Owner told me that He wanted me to refer to Him as "Sir" my first response was "i don't know how i am going to be able to do that without laughing." i have to admit, now, after almost a year, to either say His name, or for Him to say my name, is very strange for me to say, or for me to hear. When i went for my piercings, He was calling me from across the room, but He was calling me by my birth name, and i think it took a few times before i realized He was talking to me, and then He said that i had the weirdest look on my face when i realized He was talking to me.
i hope you find what you need. It's such a liberating feeling, and...well...i just hope you find that.
slave2JS
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
hope all is well in your world!
~s/nik
Dear slave2JS and s/nik,
Know what? i do believe i will find what i need and have already... just a matter of finding our way together. he is my soul mate on so many levels, not to mention the one who holds most of my life history in his hands.
Happy Valentine's Day to you two sweethearts xoxoxo...
crys
crystalline, i should have read more of your journal before i wrote to you in January then i would have known you already have the love of your life (sorry about that).
It sounds like we have a bit in common, but while my Husband has found his Master side and loves it, He tends to waiver and falls into the Husband catagory again. i'm having a hard time dealing with the on/off switch, i don't think there should be room for that :-( .
Well i wish you the best and hope that you DO get what your craving/needing. i can so understand what your feeling. Hang in there.
s bootsie
Thanks bootsie :).
It helps to keep a perspective if we can, doesn't it? i think that part of our personal growth process as we understand more and more is learning how to plug it all into life as it exists. Also helps to think of life as being a half full thing rather than a half empty. Unfortunately i tend to the half empty way of thinking too often but i'm working on that too.
crys
I am so in that place now. I want my husband to magically turn into this dominant man that I crave and need -- and I'm so afraid it's just not in him. What is a girl to do?
i don't know, sadie, i just don't know.
Some Dominants and submissives eventually leave their spouses to pursue a D/s relationship. Others go outside marriage either with or without the blessing of the vanilla spouse. i suppose some of us just stuff it down and hope "it" goes away. I guess i am moving back towards choice number 2 but without his blessing, i am afraid.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt comment. i hope you can keep in touch here from time to time.
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