Submissive Being or Doing

i don't like labels but i seem to like definitions. Maybe it's because definitions give information and allow people to plug the knowledge into their existing knowledge base. Labels are just kind of -YIKES- black and white. Why do i have such an issue with labels??

Using labels is helpful for a cook to know the difference between bottles cayenne pepper and cinnamon..... i know that they're important in lots of ways. They give people a common ground upon which to build and interact .......

Maybe the issue is that when people make up their minds about something and slap a label on it and when that something is not a concrete or stable thing but is flowing and alive and interactive and changing, the label has to allow for that with fluidity.

The other day i was thinking along the lines of being a submissive or doing submission. i can't remember it now even tho i remembered it 10 min ago. Another escaped 'ah ha' moment lolol middle age, gotta love it! i know it'll come back to me and then i can finish this thought. The jist of it was... i think... that submission is a state of mind and so many people think submission is about doing stuff or having stuff done to them. What about this..... maybe the "doing stuff" is out of obediance and it becomes submission when the obediance is to the one i've placed my .... self. Still not sure here.

It seems like submission is a need and a craving for me. It builds and builds and builds and then when there is release by submitting, i'm good for a time. oh wow .... now understanding that one of my needs for submission must be to have a strong patriarch.... don't want to use "daddy" because i don't know about that.... but i have craved strong male control always and rarely had it. Someone who keeps me from getting away with stuff .... someone to stop me in my tracks. i felt like i knew this before but now i understand that this is big.

i search and search within my relationships in r/l and it's like i'm asking "won't somebody do this? won't somebody step up and take this from me??" it just hasn't happened.

On another topic, i read excerpts from this book a long time ago and now there is a book. This book i will order today.... The Control Book by Peter Masters.... finally, a book that is about the psychology of D/s and not a how to bdsm book.
link to excerpt: http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

Grey

Every morning begins with thoughts of this journal. Sometimes topics come clearly, sometimes i haven't a clue, but this short time has taught me that thoughts will bubble up as needed and time will make itself available and here we go.....

Thinking today about the movie called Gone Baby Gone. I like "escape" movies, but i also love to have my mind fully engaged. This one kept me thinking. On the surface this movie is a story about a lost child, an alcoholic mother and police corruption.... maybe some social injustice thrown in... but to me shows us so powerfully that life is not black and white but is largely grey.... what seems so perfectly right is also so perfectly wrong. At the same time it defends the principle of the slippery slope.... that once one small step is taken in the direction away from society's or one's personal limits, the next is easier and pretty soon we're at the bottom of the hill looking up at what was once our life, or principles, or belief system. It was probably our thinking within the "shades of grey" area that took us down the slope.

I'm not making a value judgment as to whether this is right or wrong or positive or negative. What i'm saying is that life stretches us if we allow it to or even in spite of ourselves so maybe it's a good idea to invite the change and stretch rather than fight it off. And as we step down the slope, we can look back from time to time to see if this is, indeed, the place we hope to be.

This is supposed to be my journal of submission and i'm not sure what this has to do with submitting. I think, though, that it's another admission to and affirmation of myself that this is the right place to be. Sir said that the two paths are not at odds.... loving my vanilla life and relationships while at the same time submitting to him. I am both of those women....And i believe that and admit that. I'll even call it a win-win. I'm a submissive woman within a D/s life and a vanilla life at the same time. The struggle is because this path is unconventional (however not uncommon). My little black-grey-white meter dial flips all over the place which just shows what.... growth? that i have a ways to go? dunno.... it's not upsetting .... i just think it challenges me which probably stirs up some uncomfortableness....

maybe that's it.... the nugget of the day.... challenge stirs up uncomfortable things.... how i do look forward to Sir challenging me to draw out every ounce of me to allow me to give it all to him

my gratitude to you, Sir.....

yours,
me