Grace

It's scary how much i care for Master.

It's scary how much i care about the success of our relationship.

It's scary that i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met.

It's scary how much he and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me.

It's scary how comfortable i have become because by being so comfortable i don't bring my game face in and then i am just not always on board in a way that i'd like to be.

It's scary that i don't know "how" to do this sometimes.

i don't like to be scared. Being scared is just another name for fear and fear drives out the light. i am no good to anyone without light.... and i know this.

So today during meditation i sought surrender in the silence. That's how i do it now... "to You i surrender....". The product of the mediation today was not erotic in nature but i think it brought some clarity to my head full of swirling thoughts and to my heart full of emotions. And it dissolved enough of the fear to let enough light in so that i can begin to see how these scary things are actually good things. i don't need to look at them as scary things but as stepping stones along the journey.


i'll turn those fear based thoughts around.... and restate with light .....

i care for Master so much that i can just embrace living in this bliss for this very moment.

i care very much about the success of our relationship and i can look forward to it becoming even deeper and richer.

i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met. Now there is substance and depth and a foundation to build upon.... and a bit of structure upon that foundation that is strong.

He and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me that i am sure i will never be quite the same.

i have become very comfortable with Master and within our relationship. i am just me, open and uncovered. Through the use of grace i can learn self forgiveness and remember to trust Master and to trust myself.

i don't know "how" to do this sometimes so i need to reread all of the above.

"People around us, once we have shown more faith in them, show up for us more powerfully than we had thought them capable; a job we had thought beneath us, once we throw our creativity into it, becomes the vehicle to a great success; our lack in some area, once changed from a source of complaint to a source of thanksgiving for what we do have, turns into a source of joy. Any situation can be redeemed." Marianne Williamson

While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.

Running for Cover

i was conditioned to be afraid of saying NO. My opinions mattered but not when they were in opposition to those who had power over me. My opinions mattered as long as i didn't take "too much" pride in them. It was important that i be "invisible", no trouble, compliant, easy. i was just a little tiny girl when i stopped believing in myself.

i've been able to rise above most of that baggage but sometimes when circumstances are just a certain way (usually when i am mentally exhausted), i regress back to that little girl who runs for cover without thinking.

Sunday morning it happened. i ran for cover.

It could have been because i was so tired. i know i was physically and emotionally weary. i was not relaxed... a bit of a stressed mess, actually. A friend of mine who is the same business as i am describes herself during this time of year as being steadily weepy, but anyways.... i had this little window of time that i could offer to you, Master, and i wanted to just be with you so badly.

So i didn't tell you that i was a stressed mess. i didn't want to emphasize it. i just wanted to be with you in this little window of time. We don't know each other well enough yet for you to be able to pick up on how i was feeling... i don't really know if i even gave any signs. i didn't realize that by not wanting to appear needy or weak i was withholding information from you that you needed.

Sunday when we were together i said "no". Actually i don't think i said "no" but used about ten words that meant no. We hit a limit of mine that we hadn't talked about. When i said "NO" to you on Sunday my first thought was that you did not need my drama. i felt really bad that i couldn't manage to open up to you about why i said no. Rather than stay and talk to you, i did what i'd been conditioned to do: i ran away from you. i shut you out. And then i didn't know what to do.

This really shook me up. i had such conflicted feelings. i thought that maybe we'd found the deal breaker because i'd have to admit that i wasn't "that type of woman" that i'd created in my imagination that was "your type of woman". Rather than just saying "that's a limit that over time may change" i panicked.

At the end of the day you wrote to me to let me know that we'd be taking about it and that'd i would need to be prepared to talk to you. After all, you said, we can't work through this with a monologue. i talked. You listened. You care about what i have to say and you sent me here to put my feelings down. So here it is, Master ..... it's now 1 am and i think this will be all for now. i'd like to write more tomorrow about our conversation.

Fence

It must be very hard work to be someone's Dominant.

There is a story that circulates among people who teach young children and the same principles apply here. Someone did a study about young children. The teacher and a group of children walked out of a building into an empty yard without play equipment or fencing or any boundaries. The children stayed fairly close to the teacher where they felt safe. Most didn't go out to explore or play. Another time, the teacher and a group of children walked out of the building into the yard where there was some play equipment and a large field bordered by a fence. The children used all of the yard and all of the toys and didn't huddle around the teacher because the entire space felt safe to them.

This was an example of how most people need boundaries. They need to know where they feel safe and protected, where they can play without being harm or doing harm.

So i am imagining that a Dom is like being the fence, or constructing the fence for his sub. He needs to maintain it and make sure that there are things inside of the play yard that will encourage his sub and help develop her into the woman they hope she'll be someday. What an incredible task. Without the fencing, the boundaries, the safety, we may be fearful and we don't venture from our little tiny safe box. Or some of us may wander too far and get into trouble.

I have been told a time or two by about 10 or 20 people that i think too much and might benefit from just believing or accepting. So, to a fearful one like me who imagines that the fence might have holes in it where i can either get out or "things" can come in, i need to trust that the fence is built strong and will hold. And it does not need constant maintenance.