Running for Cover

i was conditioned to be afraid of saying NO. My opinions mattered but not when they were in opposition to those who had power over me. My opinions mattered as long as i didn't take "too much" pride in them. It was important that i be "invisible", no trouble, compliant, easy. i was just a little tiny girl when i stopped believing in myself.

i've been able to rise above most of that baggage but sometimes when circumstances are just a certain way (usually when i am mentally exhausted), i regress back to that little girl who runs for cover without thinking.

Sunday morning it happened. i ran for cover.

It could have been because i was so tired. i know i was physically and emotionally weary. i was not relaxed... a bit of a stressed mess, actually. A friend of mine who is the same business as i am describes herself during this time of year as being steadily weepy, but anyways.... i had this little window of time that i could offer to you, Master, and i wanted to just be with you so badly.

So i didn't tell you that i was a stressed mess. i didn't want to emphasize it. i just wanted to be with you in this little window of time. We don't know each other well enough yet for you to be able to pick up on how i was feeling... i don't really know if i even gave any signs. i didn't realize that by not wanting to appear needy or weak i was withholding information from you that you needed.

Sunday when we were together i said "no". Actually i don't think i said "no" but used about ten words that meant no. We hit a limit of mine that we hadn't talked about. When i said "NO" to you on Sunday my first thought was that you did not need my drama. i felt really bad that i couldn't manage to open up to you about why i said no. Rather than stay and talk to you, i did what i'd been conditioned to do: i ran away from you. i shut you out. And then i didn't know what to do.

This really shook me up. i had such conflicted feelings. i thought that maybe we'd found the deal breaker because i'd have to admit that i wasn't "that type of woman" that i'd created in my imagination that was "your type of woman". Rather than just saying "that's a limit that over time may change" i panicked.

At the end of the day you wrote to me to let me know that we'd be taking about it and that'd i would need to be prepared to talk to you. After all, you said, we can't work through this with a monologue. i talked. You listened. You care about what i have to say and you sent me here to put my feelings down. So here it is, Master ..... it's now 1 am and i think this will be all for now. i'd like to write more tomorrow about our conversation.