While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.