Living It Out.... Why Do i Do Online?

i've read lots of blogs written by submissive women and chatted with lots of submissive women and the numbers of us who discovered and affirmed our submissive nature or desires through online means is astounding. It's also astounding that so many of us continue to seek online D/s outside of our primary relationships and/or marriages.

i'm one of those subs who experiences D/s through online relationships even after having served a dominant man in real life. i made a choice to leave that life (i've written about it as history) and try 'nilla again.

There is a very specific type of relationship that i look for online, the cerebral/emotional/intellectual/conversational.... i'm not even exactly sure what all the parts are because sometimes i know more of what does not work than about what does.

i've written in the blog before about the "whys". Some of those reasons are that i craved to be heard, craved to be understood. Craved to be someone special. Craved to have my cravings lived out and acted out. Craved to grow to trust to an extremely deep level. Craved to just give choices over to someone who would make them for me. Craved to be sexual and to be praised and affirmed for it. And there's the slut factor and the fetish exploration..... Just add these cravings to everything else that makes me submissive, add a Dominant man who recognizes my needs with his own and takes care of them and WOW. My very being becomes lit up. i believe that this is all very natural and an expression of what and who we are.

This is also a bit like having an affair. Actually it is having an affair, isn't it, in some sense. We are at our best. We are charming and we laugh and we say things to uplift the other. We leave our worldly problems behind us as we chat away or voice chat or talk on the phone. We know that this is filling a need and we also know that this is supposed to be fun and not a pain in the neck.

Now the cautions. i must be mindful because i know that online D/s is as powerful and seductive as it is in real life. In a way it is more seductive because it appears to be more innocent than it is. We feel extremely deeply and we can be taken to places we didn't know existed physically and emotionally. It is secret and naughty. And it is playing with fire. The danger is, in my experience, that if i am not careful i may begin to think that there is something really, really wrong with my vanilla marriage. It begins to look tarnished and dull. i may talk myself into thinking that i cannot bear to live another year in a house where i am not required to be at the door every evening naked and on my knees with crop in my teeth ;)... and i'll just make sure i talk myself right out of that idea, too. Online D/s is in addition to and not a replacement for my primary relationship.

That all being said, i admit that sometimes i am less aroused sexually with my husband than i am with Master. Master knows this and he's careful. Yes, i've given Master access to my mind and where my mind goes so goes the pussy, right? Yet it's still my mind. So it is a mind set. It is mind over body.... If i allow myself to be directed to have my body serve Master, i can also direct my mind to arouse my body otherwise. If to maintain balance i know that i must put on the brakes or can change gears. If there comes a time when i can't have appropriate physical intimacy and feelings for my husband because of what Master and i do together, then i will have to stop. i will have to direct my mind away from Master and i will find other ways to blow off some slutty steam to satisfy cravings in order to preserve my life.

i want both my cake and to eat it too. i want to preserve my vanilla life while tending to my submission. That's my way for now.