Running for Cover

i was conditioned to be afraid of saying NO. My opinions mattered but not when they were in opposition to those who had power over me. My opinions mattered as long as i didn't take "too much" pride in them. It was important that i be "invisible", no trouble, compliant, easy. i was just a little tiny girl when i stopped believing in myself.

i've been able to rise above most of that baggage but sometimes when circumstances are just a certain way (usually when i am mentally exhausted), i regress back to that little girl who runs for cover without thinking.

Sunday morning it happened. i ran for cover.

It could have been because i was so tired. i know i was physically and emotionally weary. i was not relaxed... a bit of a stressed mess, actually. A friend of mine who is the same business as i am describes herself during this time of year as being steadily weepy, but anyways.... i had this little window of time that i could offer to you, Master, and i wanted to just be with you so badly.

So i didn't tell you that i was a stressed mess. i didn't want to emphasize it. i just wanted to be with you in this little window of time. We don't know each other well enough yet for you to be able to pick up on how i was feeling... i don't really know if i even gave any signs. i didn't realize that by not wanting to appear needy or weak i was withholding information from you that you needed.

Sunday when we were together i said "no". Actually i don't think i said "no" but used about ten words that meant no. We hit a limit of mine that we hadn't talked about. When i said "NO" to you on Sunday my first thought was that you did not need my drama. i felt really bad that i couldn't manage to open up to you about why i said no. Rather than stay and talk to you, i did what i'd been conditioned to do: i ran away from you. i shut you out. And then i didn't know what to do.

This really shook me up. i had such conflicted feelings. i thought that maybe we'd found the deal breaker because i'd have to admit that i wasn't "that type of woman" that i'd created in my imagination that was "your type of woman". Rather than just saying "that's a limit that over time may change" i panicked.

At the end of the day you wrote to me to let me know that we'd be taking about it and that'd i would need to be prepared to talk to you. After all, you said, we can't work through this with a monologue. i talked. You listened. You care about what i have to say and you sent me here to put my feelings down. So here it is, Master ..... it's now 1 am and i think this will be all for now. i'd like to write more tomorrow about our conversation.

Fence

It must be very hard work to be someone's Dominant.

There is a story that circulates among people who teach young children and the same principles apply here. Someone did a study about young children. The teacher and a group of children walked out of a building into an empty yard without play equipment or fencing or any boundaries. The children stayed fairly close to the teacher where they felt safe. Most didn't go out to explore or play. Another time, the teacher and a group of children walked out of the building into the yard where there was some play equipment and a large field bordered by a fence. The children used all of the yard and all of the toys and didn't huddle around the teacher because the entire space felt safe to them.

This was an example of how most people need boundaries. They need to know where they feel safe and protected, where they can play without being harm or doing harm.

So i am imagining that a Dom is like being the fence, or constructing the fence for his sub. He needs to maintain it and make sure that there are things inside of the play yard that will encourage his sub and help develop her into the woman they hope she'll be someday. What an incredible task. Without the fencing, the boundaries, the safety, we may be fearful and we don't venture from our little tiny safe box. Or some of us may wander too far and get into trouble.

I have been told a time or two by about 10 or 20 people that i think too much and might benefit from just believing or accepting. So, to a fearful one like me who imagines that the fence might have holes in it where i can either get out or "things" can come in, i need to trust that the fence is built strong and will hold. And it does not need constant maintenance.

Serving Smartly

What a busy time this is!

Going back to work tomorrow and the kids will all be here thru the 2nd or 3rd of Jan...i've noticed that as much as i give, and i do it joyfully, and it is lots (as a mom does for kids, and wives sometimes do for husbands), i still find that i have a long way to go before i put the needs of general other people before me. What i mean is that i can improve on my servant attitude, i think.

Maybe this is something other than submitting to One. i know there must be balance and i know that a submissive does not need to give and give and give always to anyone for anything (this may be what we do, tho, until we have someone to serve?). Maybe a wonderful effect of serving a dominant makes it possible to use smart boundaries with the others in my life so i am not just burning out serving willy-nilly.