While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.

Devotion

It's late according to my Friday night body clock. i've just finished my daily meditation so i am feeling peaceful and relaxed and aroused. i'm so grateful to Master for giving me this training that i hope i never miss. In this obediance i have found that it's a gift of time with Him and it is calming and centering to me. It's about the best part of my day.

He has trained me to focus on who i am in relation to Him and on the feelings that generates. i think by doing this mediation the rest of my day is more productive. i know that it is more productive sexually because my mind is now being trained to be in a pretty constant state of connection with Master's pussy. i know it is productive in enhancing my general attitude and joy as i work and interact with others through the day no matter where i am or who i am interacting with. i feel more alive, more vibrant. Have i mentioned the word bliss within the last 24 hours? i think i do a better job at work and at home.

Another realization as i meditated tonight is now that i belong to Master i feel calmer at home with Mr. There will be fewer resentments now that there is no pressure on him to be the type of man that he is not cut out to be. He is now free to just be.

And just so that this is not all about being in la la land, i'd like to add that most every minute of the day and night i dream of having my fingers busy between my legs. There's no time like the present, is there?

nite nite ;-)

Rules

mj's slave has been wonderful enough to read and respond thoughtfully to a couple of my posts. :)) thanks soooo much!

Do i Like Being Fenced

Had another thought just randomly become clear this afternoon about fences or... rules.

i like rules most of the time. i admit i like the rules that i like and don't much care for other rules. i need to work on that i think.

i like for decisions to be made for me.... some of the time. i also like to make my own rules about some things and make my own decisions about some things. I like it all so much that it's about all i have thought about all day. It's just so good is all i can say again and again.