"A lifestyle submissive usually feels unfulfilled or bereft when there is no positive, dominant presence in his or her life. Emotionally, the lifestyle submissive typically desires to be in a subservient position to a fundamentally benevolent authority who supervises and disciplines, punishes, and rewards. .....in this context the fact of control is a confirmation of love and commitment."
"To the lifestyle dominant, a consistent ability to control all areas of a consenting partner's life is intrinsic to his or her identity as a person of power and authority and is a source of self esteem. With this power comes responsibility, a responsibility that dominants find deeply fulfilling. Many actively work toward improving the quality of their submissives' lives and see themselves in the role of protector, parent, and teacher. They are the submissives' greatest ally and advocate."
From The Loving Dominant by Brame, Brame and Jacobs
i know this is an oversimplification of the control-sensitive relationship but earlier today i thought back over the course of the last few years. i remembered especially the first time i shared with a vanilla friend and a family member about my need to submit and what it entailed. You can imagine the deer caught in the headlights looks as i explained in near joy about this self understanding. Maybe it helps to remember that we need to wait for the other half to catch up.
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8 comments:
When I first saw the bright orange bold title, I thought, Now, there is a very forthright invitation. LOL
I think if you laid those definitions from the book on him, I suspect you probably did overwhelm him, "dominant, a consistent ability to control all areas of a consenting partner's life" . . . "a person of power and authority" . . . "With this power comes responsibility, . . . to actively work toward improving the quality of their submissives' lives" . . . "in the role of protector, parent, and teacher."
That seems a big burden for a vanilla spouse. In your post There's Hope, you related a Saturday morning encounter, which I think might be a good foundation to build on, without hitting him with all of that stuff that I paraphrased above.
Is this an escalation of your feelings or pace since that earlier Hope posting?
David
David,
LOL See what happens when people just type without stopping to think? i suppose this title pretty much sums up how i feel lots of the time but oh noooo :)) i'm not ready to go knocking on doors or anything.
About the definitions.... i don't think i laid it all on him as boldly and thickly and seriously as it sounds here but what i was trying to say was that no matter what i said, it must have sounded strange and overwhelming. i don't remember what was said over a period of time but i know that i had hopes of him being the head of our household and head of our relationship because i couldn't.
At the time i shared my submissive desires with him we had just started to live together again after a long separation. After a few months passed as we got used to sharing a space again, we began to get to know each other again and meet on a much different level than we'd left on.
As to your comment about the escalation of my feelings i'd have to say that i don't know. The hopefullness comes and goes as i continue to work toward balancing my submissive cravings with the life i now live. Also, i know that nobody has it all and i know that i have much. So that's pretty much what i hang onto as i peek over the fence to see what people are doing on the other side.
Thanks for your thoughtful posts.
crys~have you read "The Surrendered Wife"? It is a very vanilla approach to giving up control..it's not about manipulating our mate to do what we want (altho that's kinda how it reads) but if you can read between the lines it's about NOT doing everything..being still and patient and tolerating things not getting done or HORRORS!!! not getting done "our" way~the right way, after all~
When i first began to approach it from that perspective..the i can't change Him but i can change my behavior (not my nature, but my outward socialized manifestations of control) It will all depend on the base nature of your "other"..some do NOT have a drop of true dominance in them and you will never cajole or teach it to them. Others are alpha and just like we are taught to be assertive and capable..in charge, if you will..they have been secretly hiding there true nature by trying to build consensus and being all politically correct..just waiting for the woman to step down and not tell them what a controlling ass they are!! Wouldn't it be great if it was tattooed on their forehead and we didn't have to show our hand to find it out!!
It is my opinion that the one thing that can't be taught is sexual nature...if a man is not a dominate sexual being, we can never teach him to enjoy beating us...just my opinion..you can get someone to tie you up..hell, that was how i started to see the light..i was with a wonderful man who was totally into bondage..but not a hint of D or SM...so i guess he was a fetishist...but i found out i LOVE to be bound...Zen right out..but the thought of spanking me was out of the question..it seemed totally disrespectful and WRONG to him...so i think you can get someone to accommodate a part of what you desire..but the nature of the person..nope...that's where we have to decide how much we need and can we live with someone doing certain things to accommodate us...Me, at this point in our relationship..i know MJ is a Dom..so if he's not really into it and i sense he's just doing it to keep me from going on tilt..i can deal...but it was HUGE when we were in the negotiation, baby sub phase..where does honesty and self-revelation stop and manipulation and topping from the bottom start? That always makes me laugh when i think about being all tied up and gagged and mumbling instructions..LOL...not gonna work as we know!!
One final note, darling...i would not let the internet be my total guide as far as what's happening in other people's basement dungeons..sometimes the Emperor's new clothes look much kinkier than they are!!
HUGZ!! thx for sharing so generously with us!
~s/nik
crap...45 minutes later..i came over here to drop you a link to a new blog i thought you might enjoy..and read you two latest posts and forgot!!
They are linked on MJ's blog so let me know what you think..
http://sistersinsubmission.blogspot.com/
Dear s/nik,
What a sweetheart you are and not just because today is Valentine's Day :).... It is so wonderful to have such kind people write such thoughtful and helpful responses.
i have not read The Surrendered Wife but i went out and bought a copy last night and began reading it already. So far, so good and i think it will be helpful in reinforcing those qualities of being still and letting go in order for him to shine as the man he is.
And i appreciate your reminder that we need not allow what we read on the internet be "truth". When i began exploring a few years ago i had romanticized the idea of D/s. i really knew nothing about it. i know more now but am still learning and i suppose i do wonder just how other people do it. But i know that i share just a tiny portion of my version of what happens in my life when i write in here so i suppose it's fair to believe that others to the same ;-).
i do think he has some if "it" in him and i've been shown that several times over the past couple of weeks. i am encouraged, and ty for encouraging me by sharing about you.
Funny thing, I was just re-reading your recents posts and s/nik's remarks when your most recent comment popped up. I have been thinking about your situation a bit and a couple things in s/nik's earlier comment seem to be hitting the nail right on the head.
I have read your, would you punish me, can I go pee, and similar things; these are all "would you do things to/for me" and I think the way to foster the alpha/dominant nature in him is not to focus on "do this to me", but rather "doing for him". He has been your husband a long time and I suspect you know him quite well, what he likes, what his desires are, what he wants from you.
Paraphrasing from s/nik, "it's not about manipulating our mate to do what we want . . . it's about NOT doing everything . . . not getting done "our" way". "i can't change Him but i can change my behavior"
So, what can you do for him that is your service? What are the things he wants from you that you can give to him?
We have clearly seen what you have said about the glimmers of hope you see in him.
I recently told someone to do something and her response, afterward was: "I don't like the feeling of blah blah blah, but my discomfort made me realize I was doing it for you.......and knowing that I was willing to be uncomfortable for you made me relish the assignment".
Find out what he wants from you, and do it, even if you don't like it, I think you wil find your reward and pleasures on the other side.
P.S.
Happy Valentines Day
David
David.... ty and happy Valentine's Day to you, too.
One thing is for sure about just writing out a stream of thoughts is that there is a bit of transparancy that, otherwise, i'd probably cover up. Do some of that anyways but there'd be more.
Thank you and others for showing where i could be more on track. And you're right. This topic might need to be a standalone.... we're really onto something here.
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