More of the Story

They were always "there".... not on a daily basis or a weekly basis even... Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes months would pass, but always "there" for when i wandered back into their lives with a question, or a need, or a clarification, or a hug.

He was the first person who challenged me about the extent of my submissive nature. I denied it. He challenged me about it being a Need and i said no, not a need but i am curious and at that time of life i was curious and i was in the process of disolving a marriage and discovering myself. Like so many middle aged women, i'd completely lost track of myself and had no understanding at all of what made me tick.
I knew they'd hoped to have a beta join them and for a time in early 2006 it looked like that person might be me. But the prospect of waiting another couple of years was unthinkable to me.... I'd been living alone for a year or so and i had not felt the sexual touch of another person for more than a year... about a year and a half, so with their blessing, i met a Dom in my city and began a relationship with him.

At the same time, decisions needed to be made as to whether or not i would go back home and because life is not simple, and my choices were to have great effect on 3 other people at the very least (and 2 of those i love more than anyone), i made the choice to leave my Sir and go home.

My thinking at that time and still is today is that my mister loved and loves me, never gave up, my children were watching and saw their dad do lots of hard work, and i knew with a large amount of certainty, that he was not the same man i'd lived with and left. The moral high road was to go back. The reasons for leaving were no longer there. I also knew that this dominant was not my lifetime "One".

I'd kept in touch with my two "footholds" in the lifestyle and they understood. They understood because he'd had to make a choice also except he'd chosen to leave his traditional life for the lifestyle and to live with the love of his life and a chance to live as the dominant, openly. I couldn't do that.

My husband and i were close to being strangers when i moved back. We had to establish emotional intimacy and then, later on, phyisical intimacy. I told him of my kinky desires, my submissive nature, what i'd learned about the lifestyle and just anything imaginable as i shared with him what i hoped our lives would look like from there on. I was pretty much convinced that there was a "real" dominant hiding in there.... just had to find those deep buttons and push them.

He didn't get me "flying" like my former Sir had.... but i fell in love all over again and realized that nobody can have it all.... we make choices, and usually choices are not black and white but shades of grey. We do what we can with what we have which is what i've done.

As the months went by and we moved along into summer. i expressed some frustration in not being taken deep enough. I was enjoying the bdsm.... hubby and i'd bought some toys, i got to be slutty sometimes, got to be flogged, etc.... but i just couldn't "feel it" feel the domination from him.... most of the little "things" i'd try to use to bolster or bring out his dominance fell on unhearing ears or he'd think they were silly. He didn't want to be called master, or sir. Didn't care about disciplining me. Didn't want to give me permission... he'd say if you want to go do it.

And it's ok.... because he is who he is... One day my long time D/s friend said.... we both know your husband is not a true by nature dominant. And i was soooo pissed! And after a month or so, i came back and admitted it. It was true. So the 3 of us set upon the task of working with what i had to work with, and focusing on my family and my home and what i love.... always, always just helping me work with what i had and helping me trouble shoot if needed. She wrote me, agreeing with me that i could not live with myself if i had a local "affair"... the guilt would be awful. Yet i can't deny that i have submissive needs that can stay at a low simmer for a very long while, but if not dealt with, tend to blow.