A Need or a Want?

I'll try to answer my own questions .... my questioning is constant, self doubt creeps in and i wonder if sometimes i am making this "need" up.... but i don't think so.

We are two equals, one wishing to give and the other wishing to receive in the power exchange. All the power is shifted willingly, leaving the other to feel the surrender and the feelings that go along with surrender of being helplessly used.

I feel that a natural submissive NEEDS to be used, does not just simply want it.

Outside of the sexual relationship, and maybe even including the sexual relationship, i feel that i need to serve, to please, to be taken, used in all ways (not only in sex). If i ask permission it makes me feel connected to the one more powerful than i.... there is pleasing tension as i wait to ask permission and then wait for the answer... rather than just jumping in and doing as i please. I want to clarify that i can work very well on my own and am goal oriented.

I seek praise, structure, and displine. Within these qualities i find strength and safety in knowing that the one i submit to is powerful... whether that be my dominant or my boss.

It is important that the one more powerful than i care enough to praise me or punish me. Without sincere praise or punishment, how do i know that i am noticed? And that circles back to needing to be pleasing. I can't be an invisible sub. Also, if i feel that just anything and everything i do is "ok", that feels fake... feels like fake praise and doesn't mean a lot. It's important to me that what i do has meaning attached to it so much that i do, especially because so often i do to please...

I need structure, to be made accountable... otherwise i am all over the place and get away with way too much. I know that i test to get a reaction, to find out if anyone cares.... and i don't like that passive/agressive behaviour in myself or in anyone else... I need to be made to do my best, no cutting corners and shortcuts.

This is why D/s works for me. It is a need due to the way i am wired. It is how i relate interpersonally.