KD's Hypnoslut, the version that didn't get finished :(

i have an assignment and that is to write about what has happened over the past 2 days. i have until 7:00 tonight to finish my entry.... that's when Master gets home from golfing.

As luck would have it i have unexpected company tonight! So i have only part of my entry written and i beg Your understanding, Master, and i will come back to You here as soon as i can. i hope to be making You proud with my completed entry as soon as possible.

To Begin.....

On a day when my pussy never stopped flowing, and i never stopped floating, i'm asked to write about my experience and i don’t seem to be able to find the words. So Master gave me this sentence as a place to start, as a place to document what has happened over the past 2 days. These have been two of the most free and delightful days i have spent.

If someone were to listen in on the conversations that Master and i have, they’d probably see that ours are not unlike most between a dominant and a submissive. The difference in our conversations is that He speaks to my subconscious as well as to my conscious mind. He has access to my subconscious because i understand before “going in” that i will grant Him access to me while i am in a trance state. While in a trance state i completely understand what is going on and i can stop at any time.

Over the past months Master has continued to work with me to train my mind to focus on his voice, to focus on tasks at hand, to block out random thoughts, to focus on my body’s sexual responses and to focus on how i feel in response to belonging to Him. This is largely how i serve Him. Everything i do in service to KD is to follow Him where He wants to take me and to do what i can to bring light into His life in whatever way He asks. This is what He wants from me and this is what i try to give.

Master has given me some tools that keep me close to him, some concrete items that have emotional meaning and also evoke physical erotic responses. One tool is a visualization that I can feel him and touch him and even smell him and hold him close to me.... and if I hold, say, a large pillow, it is like holding him. I know he has given me this gift of comfort.

Another tool KD uses is the nipple shield. They have become a symbol of my being bound to Him so that when I see them or hold them or wear them, I feel that bond. Over the past two days I also discovered that when I wear them and then touch them I feel so very charged in Master’s pussy and it pulses and pulses and pulses. By the end of the day Monday, I had not let the shields out of my sight and wore them most of the day. I wore them to bed and awoke on Tuesday morning with one still on and holding the other in my hand.

By Tuesday morning i knew that i would crave have all three holes plugged by the end of the day. i knew that i would become increasingly aroused as the day wore on. i don’t have any specific recollection of having a conversation like that but i just knew. i knew it without thinking about it.

Master and I chatted on Monday night. i'm sure every sub has had the experience of having their minds worked and bodies worked in such subtle ways by the use of trigger words and combination of tone and sentence structure and all those other magical tools our dominants use in addition to the use of the heavier handed methods (smiles). So by Monday night when we talked and when we were talking with our group of friends, i'd been worked in a mind fuck sort of way the entire day and was ready to just sit with Him and serve Him by responding to Him in a way that i could hope to please Him.

So that Monday night with Master i felt myself slip easily into "flying" mode, so hyper tuned into every word, every expression. He had me edging as we spoke and i felt my excitement growing with certain words.... he'd encourage me with "good girl" and i'd feel tongues on my clit. He'd say something else and i'd feel His cock inside pussy. He'd bring me close to orgasm then back away and do it again and back away and do it again and back away, and then sent me to bed.

And i had some intructions. i knew that by the end of the next day He and i would have some time in voice chat and i would crave to have Him plug my 3 holes. i'm sure there was more but i don't remember.... i just rode the most delish wave and followed Him. Voice chat could mean some time in hypnosis and those times are so very rare and to be cherrished. i was already on a cloud of bliss before i went to bed on Monday.

The hypnotism that Master uses sometimes is a wonderful tool and adds a huge dimension to our play and overall satisfaction of our time spent together (that's how i feel anyways :) ) and it has helped so much in my ability to focus on Him not to mention the focus that leads to erotic feelings.

He is able to hypnotise me with just a word now and then take me to the level of trance He desires.

(the good part is coming up ;) )

Power of Master's Suggestions

12:31 PM
Monday the 28th

Master, the nipple shields You chose for me are in a small oval white porcelain dish next to my computer. All morning i've felt led to come upstairs and pick them up. Sometimes i sit and hold them. i've looked at them and i've held them to my face. i have a compulsion to put them in my pocket and keep them with me. i can't do this openly because i am not alone today as i'd hoped to be. So i just do it quietly and discreetly.

i worked out this morning and did a few things around the house and showered later. While in the shower i had the first strong pussy stirrings of the day. my clit was hard to the touch and when the desire to fill Your pussy with something or anything, the clit thickened and doubled in size. The shampoo bottle is too big to fit! Not to worry, sometime today i must find something to fill Your pussy and do it. i came into my bedroom and picked up Your shields and put one on the left nipple. Just stroking it caused fire in my clit and in Your pussy.... and then i had to stop... i was interrupted but the feelings will remain and increase the rest of the day. Not sure how i know that but it seems to be what's going on now.

i am not sure how i know that i am not supposed to cum today but i know i won't. i feel as though the nipple shields are key today. i want to fuck myself badly. That's for You, isn't it, my Master..... i do know for sure that i'm to talk about it here.

4:40 PM

i can't seem to find the relief for the heat in Your pussy. i've worn the small dildo in it for the past hour or so. i have shields on under my bra. i've bent myself over a big leather chair with ass up while furiously rubbing my clit. i even "rode" the arm of the chair to fuck the dildo which i like to think of as Your cock.

When i put the shields on i felt the swelling and pulsing in my pussy but then i felt a sharpness running down my clit. can't really explain it but to say it was like an extra almost painful hardness. i want to get as close to cumming as we did last night, Master. i have to go do that now.

But before i do that i did take the dildo from Your pussy to lick it and suck it. God how i want Your cock.

Understanding crystallinese

The wireless is being cooporative ..... smiles... so better write write write while i can. This blog is the place i communicate to you and i must remember that purpose. Again i tell myself that it is unedited and uncut.

i have a certain need to write emotionally right now but i think i'll let that simmer a while and maybe these emotions and physical feelings that are so heightened can be put to good use in service to You later on. Doing my best to not get mushy ;)....

Just about three months ago give or take a few hours we started talking privately, Master. i don't know that i had many expectations.... it's fairer to say that i was open to possiblities and i had comfortable instincts about you. We'd chatted in groups casually for a few years so maybe that little foundation was enough to provide to me enough safety to move to speaking privately. i know it doesn't matter how, it just matters that we did.... smiles.

Our walk together thus far has so totally exceeded anything i could have imagined. You "get me". As you have said, You speak crystallinese. i hope that You feel as though i "get You" because i feel that i do. My hope, and it's a big hope, is that i can continue to enrich Your life by belonging to and serving You.

Always in All Ways

It was close to midnight. They were well out of the city by now. The concert was over, the goodbyes said and the CD had just finished playing on the stereo. Master had trained her mind to go to Him in her quiet time and as the conversation and music stopped her eyes closed and to Him she went.

Deeper into the trance state she went recalling feelings of the many times she had surrendered to Him in the past. Deeper still she went seeking Him, yearning to become more and more sexually open and submissive.

She smiled softly as she thought of the many more opportunities she might have to bring pleasure to Him in all ways.

She thought about the conversations they'd had lately and decided that it must be the way He speaks sometimes that takes her away to Him so quickly. She remembered that last night He'd said He could take her under with just one word and she believes that He can and will do just that.

There was no reason to figure out how and why and so she just accepted. Always grateful she sent blessings of her gratitude to Him.

She'd noticed a slight difference in her responses lately. As she meditated she felt the pleasure in her pussy and nipples. She felt the pressure pushing slightly on her arms and chest. The new responses of orgasmic tension building might give her the orgasms that she hopes to freely give Him upon His command. She's encouraged. She smiled. She must be. His pussy pulses in erotic response.

“Time to help me stay awake.” The voice interrupted her trance.

“Are you getting drowsy? Do you feel like you’re sleepy?”

“Take off your pants.”

She smiled and laughed softly. “You want me to what? I can unzip them a little.”

“No. Off. All the way.”

The words “My slut” were unspoken.... those were Master’s words for her and she could imagine his voice saying “My wanton slut”. Her clit pulsed one, two, three times.

“OK”. Her breathing quickened. She could see the lights of a big rig ahead of them and headlights in the distance behind. This was going to be fun.... wondered how far he’d go and how far she’d submit. She unbuttoned and unzipped and worked the bluejeans out from underneath the seatbelt and worked them down to the floor.

“I’m in my panties now.”

He reached over and caressed the inside of her thigh and calf and brushed his fingers along the gusset of the panties. “Panties off. I want you to feel your ass on the leather.”

It seemed safe enough. No cars or trucks were nearby so she slid the panties off to pool upon the jeans that were already at her ankles.

She felt the power of Master’s voice so deeply imprinted in her mind as she imagined Him encouraging her with “good girl, My good girl.”

She moaned as his fingers continued to caress. She turned her body so that his touches would graze her slit, so he could feel how wet she’d become and so that the excitement inside of her cunt would grow. He laughed at her attempts. “You aren’t going to touch me, are you,” she said.

“No. Not yet.”

“You are so evil.”

Her jacket was open already so he easily pushed her top and bra up above her breasts to expose nipples already puckered and hard. He pulled the right nipple and twisted it before moving to the left. Her hands replaced his as he stroked her belly. His hand felt the pool of denim around her ankles and he said “Off. All the way.”

“All the way off??”

“Take them off. Pants and shoes, off.”

She could see that they’d caught up to the semi ahead of them and she couldn’t tell if he was going to stay behind or pass it by. A car passed them to the left. And then another. She was beyond caring who saw what was going on in their car and she pushed her pants off the rest of the way.

“There you go. Doesn’t that feel good?”

“mmmmm yesss. I think you love it when I am so naughty.”

He patted the dash. “Put your foot here.”

Before long both feet were on the dash, the seat was reclined and her pussy was spread open. So wanton, so slutty, so useable. His fingers were alternately fucking her deeply and rubbing her clit. Her hips moved back and forth meeting his thrusts. He passed a truck. Then another.

His bag lay on the floor of the car behind her seat. She heard him unzip it and root through it looking for something and a few seconds later heard a click, then buzzing and felt the vibrator fucking her pussy.

“Oh my god, oh my god that feels so good.”

He did not respond. She imagined Master encouraging His girl with “good girl” and “My slut”.... every “good girl” doubling her pleasure and making Him proud.

He handed the vibe to her. It was coated with her juices and she tasted herself on it after offering him the first licks.

She lay back in the reclined seat, tits and pussy exposed, wet vibe in her hand. She knew that he wanted her to orgasm. Again, Master’s voice as clear to her as though He was there with her saying “just let it come, My girl. Come for Me” she came for her Master, crying out as the pleasure rolled and rolled through her, her sex scent filling the car and wetness running down the leather seat.

After she’d composed herself and dressed she closed her eyes once again and went to that place that Master prepared for her. That place she carries with her always and where He is always and prepared to tell Him the story.

Calm Again

Tax season is over. So glad. It took a few days for the tension and stress to leave, then came a time of re balancing and now the calm is setting in. It feels so good to have a desire to string a few words together again.

Master, you have so generously given your time to me throughout these past couple of months and i think i've grown even through the rough days and weeks. You worked around our crazy lives and the stress energy that i was constantly bringing to our meetings. And then you'd use me so that i could be free to just be me and to just be Yours! You continued to train this body and mind for your use and pleasure which gives me such fulfillment and pleasure.

i rest so securely in the bond between us as i continue to surrender.

Grace

It's scary how much i care for Master.

It's scary how much i care about the success of our relationship.

It's scary that i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met.

It's scary how much he and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me.

It's scary how comfortable i have become because by being so comfortable i don't bring my game face in and then i am just not always on board in a way that i'd like to be.

It's scary that i don't know "how" to do this sometimes.

i don't like to be scared. Being scared is just another name for fear and fear drives out the light. i am no good to anyone without light.... and i know this.

So today during meditation i sought surrender in the silence. That's how i do it now... "to You i surrender....". The product of the mediation today was not erotic in nature but i think it brought some clarity to my head full of swirling thoughts and to my heart full of emotions. And it dissolved enough of the fear to let enough light in so that i can begin to see how these scary things are actually good things. i don't need to look at them as scary things but as stepping stones along the journey.


i'll turn those fear based thoughts around.... and restate with light .....

i care for Master so much that i can just embrace living in this bliss for this very moment.

i care very much about the success of our relationship and i can look forward to it becoming even deeper and richer.

i've moved beyond thinking that this is "just" a fun diversion and a way to have needs met. Now there is substance and depth and a foundation to build upon.... and a bit of structure upon that foundation that is strong.

He and "this" have become so much a part of my life and of me that i am sure i will never be quite the same.

i have become very comfortable with Master and within our relationship. i am just me, open and uncovered. Through the use of grace i can learn self forgiveness and remember to trust Master and to trust myself.

i don't know "how" to do this sometimes so i need to reread all of the above.

"People around us, once we have shown more faith in them, show up for us more powerfully than we had thought them capable; a job we had thought beneath us, once we throw our creativity into it, becomes the vehicle to a great success; our lack in some area, once changed from a source of complaint to a source of thanksgiving for what we do have, turns into a source of joy. Any situation can be redeemed." Marianne Williamson

Temptation

Seems like this topic is on my mind a lot so i'm going to give in and just work it through here.


i had a realization .... i think it was yesterday .... that a reason why i feel so free to serve and to surrender to you, Master, here online is because i am totally protected from the temptation to take it real with you. We made that committment up front that we would not meet for sex.

Yes, i am always tempted to take D/s real. i will always be tempted to take it real because i crave a power exchange relationship. i crave it because it's my nature and i crave it because i had D/s "real" and once bitten i still want it.

i made a final and ultimate choice to not go back for more. i chose love for the benefit of others (and yes it was also for my own benefit) and in doing so i gave up all probability that i will ever engage in a r/t power exchange relationship.

i knew all of this going into our relationship but here's where i now have greater understanding. When i was faced with the "online first and probably moving to real" i could not surrender, i could not commit, i could not fully engage because to do so could mean that i would not be able to stop myself from placing myself fully within the delema of staying or walking away from my marriage.

This is not a biggy thing. It's just a growth spurt of understanding myself a little better.

Focus

i believe i have had an "ah ha" moment. It follows the line of thinking that where the mind goes so goes the body. i must do a better job keeping my mind where it needs to be so that the slut is fed. Somehow i need to do a better job at associating everyday, ordinary things to using them to trigger erotic thoughts and responses. i cannot even believe how vanilla my mind is when the coast is so totally clear to be the slut! i must learn to seize the opportunities always, in all ways, at all times.

Party Girl

It was unusually early for him to wake on a Saturday morning. His girl lay beside him, her pantie covered ass brushing lightly against his groin. He would take from her this morning.

By the sound of her breathing he could tell that she was in that in between deep sleep and wakefulness state. He slowly stroked her ass as he whispered to her that she would be his slut to use, that his use of her mouth and pussy and nipples would soon be all she cared about.

His hands moved up and he held her breasts and rolled her nipples and they became hard in his hands. She was more awake than she had let on and her mind was in a state of openness to him and he filled her mind with erotic thoughts and memories of her slutty, wantonness.

As he spoke his finger moved along the leg opening of her panties, oh so slowly from her hip downward, caressing the curve of her ass as he did so, and then back up again. Over and over he drew his finger along her round ass as he talked her more deeply into a trance. As he teased her with his words he began to roll the elastic waistband of her panties down her ass and then back up, down and then back up, down and up.... not removing them and not fully exposing her. Her breath caught in her throat as he rolled the panties completely down to the top of her thighs and his fingers pushed into the wet, soft folds of her pussy to find the spot that always caused her back to arch and as he touched she gasped so very quietly. It was nearly imperceptible, that moan, but in the quiet house he heard her arousal.

He removed his hand from her wet cunt and waited. He sensed the struggle going on in her mind.... the struggle between wanting to be used, to be free to be the slut she is and the struggle to be the strong woman she perceives herself to be who can take care of herself. She begins to whimper. She pushes her ass towards him.

“If you need my cock, slut, remove those panties and spread your legs for me. Present your ass and cunt to me like a slut to be fucked.”

He knew she was now his. She’d let her guard down and was his ass fuck sub slut. She was so creamy and hot. His cock was hard now and he spread her wetness on the tip of his cock as he knelt behind her and rubbed himself up and down her wet slit. Teasing, not entering, just teasing. She begins to rock. She needs the penetration but doesn’t want the teasing to end. Feeling so submissive, she realizes that this is freedom she needs.... freedom to be the slut she is, to live completely as his.

She feels his cock spreading her lips. She craves him, craves his possession of her and craves his cock. With a whimper she pushes herself onto his cock and her whimpers turn to moans. His slut meets his thrusts and they move together, her creamy pussy and his engorged cock working towards the common goal of release. His fingers trace down her belly from her hard nipples and find her clit and he strokes her and he thrusts. Just as she is nearly cumming he stops and pulls out.

..... more to come....

Living It Out.... Why Do i Do Online?

i've read lots of blogs written by submissive women and chatted with lots of submissive women and the numbers of us who discovered and affirmed our submissive nature or desires through online means is astounding. It's also astounding that so many of us continue to seek online D/s outside of our primary relationships and/or marriages.

i'm one of those subs who experiences D/s through online relationships even after having served a dominant man in real life. i made a choice to leave that life (i've written about it as history) and try 'nilla again.

There is a very specific type of relationship that i look for online, the cerebral/emotional/intellectual/conversational.... i'm not even exactly sure what all the parts are because sometimes i know more of what does not work than about what does.

i've written in the blog before about the "whys". Some of those reasons are that i craved to be heard, craved to be understood. Craved to be someone special. Craved to have my cravings lived out and acted out. Craved to grow to trust to an extremely deep level. Craved to just give choices over to someone who would make them for me. Craved to be sexual and to be praised and affirmed for it. And there's the slut factor and the fetish exploration..... Just add these cravings to everything else that makes me submissive, add a Dominant man who recognizes my needs with his own and takes care of them and WOW. My very being becomes lit up. i believe that this is all very natural and an expression of what and who we are.

This is also a bit like having an affair. Actually it is having an affair, isn't it, in some sense. We are at our best. We are charming and we laugh and we say things to uplift the other. We leave our worldly problems behind us as we chat away or voice chat or talk on the phone. We know that this is filling a need and we also know that this is supposed to be fun and not a pain in the neck.

Now the cautions. i must be mindful because i know that online D/s is as powerful and seductive as it is in real life. In a way it is more seductive because it appears to be more innocent than it is. We feel extremely deeply and we can be taken to places we didn't know existed physically and emotionally. It is secret and naughty. And it is playing with fire. The danger is, in my experience, that if i am not careful i may begin to think that there is something really, really wrong with my vanilla marriage. It begins to look tarnished and dull. i may talk myself into thinking that i cannot bear to live another year in a house where i am not required to be at the door every evening naked and on my knees with crop in my teeth ;)... and i'll just make sure i talk myself right out of that idea, too. Online D/s is in addition to and not a replacement for my primary relationship.

That all being said, i admit that sometimes i am less aroused sexually with my husband than i am with Master. Master knows this and he's careful. Yes, i've given Master access to my mind and where my mind goes so goes the pussy, right? Yet it's still my mind. So it is a mind set. It is mind over body.... If i allow myself to be directed to have my body serve Master, i can also direct my mind to arouse my body otherwise. If to maintain balance i know that i must put on the brakes or can change gears. If there comes a time when i can't have appropriate physical intimacy and feelings for my husband because of what Master and i do together, then i will have to stop. i will have to direct my mind away from Master and i will find other ways to blow off some slutty steam to satisfy cravings in order to preserve my life.

i want both my cake and to eat it too. i want to preserve my vanilla life while tending to my submission. That's my way for now.

Doing OK, Doing Good, Better Than Good, Really!

Bubble bath, candles, a Cosmo Martini (or 2) .... but the very best part of that night was time with Master. Time to hear him, laugh with him, feel him, and be taken away by him. To be disciplined. He cares and i love that he cares.

It's in the coming together of needs in this special and glorious way that i serve him but how is it that in serving him i feel that he gives me so much? i try to intellectualize this process but really can't and hope to give that up because it does no good.

i've also had another "a ha" moment (probably again but isn't it like me to need to go back over it again and again) and that is that i have to use fantasy to engage my mind so that pussy can follow. So simple. i do it to some extent but i just finally understood how big a part it plays in being led over the edge to orgasm. During meditation i mostly focused on the feelings in Master's cunt and nipples so i could carry that into edging. But i don't think i was using enough fantasy in edging but, instead, would fall back on feelings. i love feelings and sensations but isn't it true that combining feelings, sensations with vivid fantasy the way to blast off?

While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.

Running for Cover

i was conditioned to be afraid of saying NO. My opinions mattered but not when they were in opposition to those who had power over me. My opinions mattered as long as i didn't take "too much" pride in them. It was important that i be "invisible", no trouble, compliant, easy. i was just a little tiny girl when i stopped believing in myself.

i've been able to rise above most of that baggage but sometimes when circumstances are just a certain way (usually when i am mentally exhausted), i regress back to that little girl who runs for cover without thinking.

Sunday morning it happened. i ran for cover.

It could have been because i was so tired. i know i was physically and emotionally weary. i was not relaxed... a bit of a stressed mess, actually. A friend of mine who is the same business as i am describes herself during this time of year as being steadily weepy, but anyways.... i had this little window of time that i could offer to you, Master, and i wanted to just be with you so badly.

So i didn't tell you that i was a stressed mess. i didn't want to emphasize it. i just wanted to be with you in this little window of time. We don't know each other well enough yet for you to be able to pick up on how i was feeling... i don't really know if i even gave any signs. i didn't realize that by not wanting to appear needy or weak i was withholding information from you that you needed.

Sunday when we were together i said "no". Actually i don't think i said "no" but used about ten words that meant no. We hit a limit of mine that we hadn't talked about. When i said "NO" to you on Sunday my first thought was that you did not need my drama. i felt really bad that i couldn't manage to open up to you about why i said no. Rather than stay and talk to you, i did what i'd been conditioned to do: i ran away from you. i shut you out. And then i didn't know what to do.

This really shook me up. i had such conflicted feelings. i thought that maybe we'd found the deal breaker because i'd have to admit that i wasn't "that type of woman" that i'd created in my imagination that was "your type of woman". Rather than just saying "that's a limit that over time may change" i panicked.

At the end of the day you wrote to me to let me know that we'd be taking about it and that'd i would need to be prepared to talk to you. After all, you said, we can't work through this with a monologue. i talked. You listened. You care about what i have to say and you sent me here to put my feelings down. So here it is, Master ..... it's now 1 am and i think this will be all for now. i'd like to write more tomorrow about our conversation.

He Wrote me an e-mail

i confess that i had an attitude.

i was completing a task.

i was not happy.

i was thinking that i could still be in bed, asleep. i thought it probably made more sense for me to be in bed, asleep.

And mostly because i don't like doing what i was asked to do.

i remembered that it isn't about what i like to do or when i like to do it or if i like to do it.

i did it anyways.

Then i got a little happier.

Then i had peace.

It doesn't really matter what the task was because the issue is about my attitude and my understanding of my place. Master had asked me to do this task a while back and i'm not sure how long ago it was but probably a week or two. i back-burnered it for some reasons that i thought were good ones.

Then i got the e-mail. i was really happy when Master told me he'd sent me an e-mail because we don't e-mail often. And you realize, don't you, that i thought it would be full of twisted thoughts and things that would make my heart race and blood rush from my head. Then i read it. He was very kind, but very firm. "....... my girl..... I know you are busy at work and so am I.... quality time together ...... I know you can accomplish this..... will keep us connected.... " To Master i responded that the task would be completed by noon on Saturday.

My reactions? My heart raced and blood rushed south even still. Then soon i became a bit defensive. My way of thinking through the timeline wasn't the way it was going to be? The defensive feelings were my vanilla responses that i use in most of the rest of my life. i quickly realized that it is his place to do just what he did and that i am to be grateful and am grateful that he cares enough to keep me on track. Then i panicked a little because i just panic and then i felt peace. i didn't have to think about planning for time availability or avoiding it.... Master took that from me and i was left feeling free and anticipating doing something for him.

Master was pleased with the results of my work for him. He wrote me a lovely e-mail with twisted thoughts and words that made my heart race.

i started to write "i'm sorry that i had an attitude" but that isn't true. i'm grateful that i had an attitude because without it i might not have grown through this task quite as much.

It's a beautiful circle, isn't it?

Things i Love Post #4: Other Blogs

We all seem to go through periods of writers block or busy periods that leave us with little time to write. i'm going both ways lately.

So rather than feed my spirit by writing my own thoughts i know i can go to the blogs of others i enjoy reading. i can keep up with about a dozen or so and try to drop by each one at least once a week. i am inspired by the uniqueness and beauty of those who write and how they present themselves, their relationships and their spirits through their words and pictures. Yes, i like pictures too. And yes, sometimes i just look at the pictures ;).

Just about every time i check through my blogroll i find that i am either made to laugh or moved to tears. i always leave with something to think about. i wish i could respond to each writer as eloquently as they post but then again, sometimes it is just nice to let it all in and live in me for awhile without trying to compose a response.

Thank you for writing.

it's only temporary

i sat in my car yesterday afternoon in a library parking lot and cried. i had nothing specifically to cry about but the tears came anyways. i had to stop crying because i had to go back to work. So i brushed my hair and put on lipstick drove back to the office and finished up the week.

Last night i got a lovely email from my boss commending me about how i worked so well and happily amid chaos.

Last night i had to admit to Master that i haven't kept up well with tasks. He was very stern with me which made me wet. So at least i know that crys the slut is still inside me somewhere but wow.... she's hard to reach these days.

This morning in the shower i shaved Master's cunt and guess what i did. i cried. i cupped his pussy in my hand and just cried.

It's only temporary.... in a month or less the work load will be less and the energy will be calmer and i guess i have to learn to be gentle with myself and allow balance in all things. That sounds pretty good, doesn't it? But i think that what i really want is to be made to break, made to let it all out, taken to a place where it is safe enough to fall apart so that i can come back and serve.

Melting?

A few things are going on right now. This is going to be so whiny. And i'm still going to write it.

Work is insane. And i love it when it's like this. Even though i have so little left of me at the end of the day i love it. What i don't like is that it seems to take it's toll out of the quality of the rest of my life.

i love our clients (most of them). i love it that one of them has brought in TimBits twice in the last 2 weeks. i love her.

The lav times still happen but they are less frequent. Sometimes i just don't take the time to pee or even drink anything to make the pee. i know that is not healthy but the real downer is that all the concentration and attention to detail required to work means i can't spend as much quality time tempting Master's pussy with erotic thoughts.

i also have some new tasks to complete. These are tasks that are one time things and not ongoing. i like to get one time tasks done fast and guess what. They aren't getting done. That bothers me a whole lot. My new tasks are taking longer to complete that i like and i think that is a stress producer.

Not only am i being whiny but the tears are coming now. So girls, how do you do this? Do you ever have panicky feelings about messing up your tasking or not progressing? How do you balance it all?

She Edges

i'm on orgasm restriction right now. i'm to edge often but not come.

During last night's devotion there was a point where i could "feel" Master's ass full as tho plugged and i could feel Him filling His pussy with His cock. I focus on those feelings during meditation so they are accessible to me when i am not with Master.

In between Master's devotional time and the time i could be alone in my bed the pleasure feelings ran up and down my clit and around the opening of His cunt. i could feel my slit fill with moisture.

Then bed. So exhausted physically and mentally but buzzing sexually.

It was nearly a compulsion to need to fill His pussy with something.... something that could be like His cock. Fingers go in first and i can feel the soft and wet pussy walls. i love to cup the wetness in my hand and draw it up to my clit and then rub and tease and pinch and pull. i feel my clit become like a marble with hard tendrils that reach deeper into my body around my vagina and it is those tendrils that want to be touched by something from inside of Master's pussy. Fingers aren't doing it. So i roll over and open the toy box and find the smaller vibe.... the one i used in my office ladies room, Master. i need to do it again now. i'll be right back.

Better now. So wanton sitting here fucking it while i write to You.

i was able to bring myself to the edge 3 times while fantasizing of being used and displayed and made to masturbate ..... so humiliating but so effective .... coming so close to falling over the edge into orgasm but pulling back each time. Trying to hold that heat as long as i could without going over.

The fourth time i nearly went too far. This time i wanted the vibe massaging my clit and the pleasure built and built and built and when i thought of being used so close up on JM i was barely able to pull back from the orgasm in time. i was on the edge of that orgasm for probably 20 seconds willing it to not go over to full orgasm.

Then sleep.

i awoke once in the night with legs spread, cunt wet, fingers pulling nipples, my other hand grazing my body on its way to Your cunt. i love what You do to Your cunt, Master.

Then this morning.... waking again in sexual energy i could imagine your voice.... how velvet and smooth and sexual it is .... as we meet in public and i am allowed to lean over to suck Master's cock while my dress is pulled up to expose my ass. All of my fantasy was about the magic You do to prepare Your slut to please You. This slut's body is all about pleasing You. Worshipping Your cock with mouth and cunt and ass.

happy birthday....
Your sk

Devotion

It's late according to my Friday night body clock. i've just finished my daily meditation so i am feeling peaceful and relaxed and aroused. i'm so grateful to Master for giving me this training that i hope i never miss. In this obediance i have found that it's a gift of time with Him and it is calming and centering to me. It's about the best part of my day.

He has trained me to focus on who i am in relation to Him and on the feelings that generates. i think by doing this mediation the rest of my day is more productive. i know that it is more productive sexually because my mind is now being trained to be in a pretty constant state of connection with Master's pussy. i know it is productive in enhancing my general attitude and joy as i work and interact with others through the day no matter where i am or who i am interacting with. i feel more alive, more vibrant. Have i mentioned the word bliss within the last 24 hours? i think i do a better job at work and at home.

Another realization as i meditated tonight is now that i belong to Master i feel calmer at home with Mr. There will be fewer resentments now that there is no pressure on him to be the type of man that he is not cut out to be. He is now free to just be.

And just so that this is not all about being in la la land, i'd like to add that most every minute of the day and night i dream of having my fingers busy between my legs. There's no time like the present, is there?

nite nite ;-)

Friday

It's Friday. i am home for a lunch break.

As much as i like to think that i am cruising through tax season pretty decently while taking care of my typical work load i now have a new fantasy that may be evidence that i am not just sailing through. Here's what happened. From my POV of course ;). i was really peeved with a woman at work this morning because of her "no can do" attitude which i just don't understand. i mean, really, it's a busy time and everyone has to do extra, right? .... i know i am a sub and usually jump in to do what i can so that the work gets done whether i really want more to do or not. Whatever....

Anyways, i am tasked to use my bathroom time in a certain way now. And when i was just about ready to strangle this person i had to pee. Off i went into the lav, cursing her in my mind while taking the clothespins from the zipper pocket in the lining of my purse. Down went the pants. i sat and pulled my nipples and applied the pegs. Curse, curse, curse. And then the most wonderful thing happened.... the tension and anger and curse words just went out of my mind.... i was instantly calm. Instantly aroused. It was like i gave it all away and Master smoothed my spikey energy with words and attitudes that He's placed in my mind.

Must get back to work... maybe i'll have time to write tonight.

Things i Love Post #3 kitty

i love pussy.

Especially mine except it isn't mine any more.

i've freely given to Master and this is His. i happily call it Master's pussy. Very happily and even ecstatically happily call His. It's true that a sub in service is a contented one, indeed.

i had a large coffee for breakfast before setting off for appointments all morning. By about 10:30 the urge to pee was growing and by 11:30 it was almost all i could think about. The other little thing i thought about was that begining today i was to piss for Him.

my drive to please Him has become a delightful compulsion.

i suppose i could have used a ladies room along the way somewhere but it is much more wanton to me to go to the little lav along the little hallway next to the office coffee station and have a few moments in submissive bliss. And in the back of my mind i remember that last night He described to me how i was to piss for him in the office lav so in the office lav is where i need to be.

The pissing directive is less about voiding urine and more about making the experience sexual. i was already using the time alone to rub my clit or to feel my wetness and taste. Now i am to keep count of all my pissings and i am to lean forward on the seat when i do so that i can feel the pee splash against my clit. And, i am to peg both of my nipples before beginning. All women carry two clothespins in their purse, right? i do now.

i pissed three times this afternoon while at work and as i sit here writing, i am holding another in .... the urge to pee is so strong and my clit pulses as i squeeze to hold the piss inside of me while i write. i don't know if i am supposed to clamp my nips while at home. For a while i'd decided that because he said "at work" that i would keep the task as an office task but i believe He'd want me to carry the order always.

my nipples were soft the first time i peed for Master today. i pulled down my bra, pulled breasts out and pegged each nipple, leaned forward on the seat and felt the gush of hot piss stroke my clit. Delightful!

i grew more excited as the afternoon progressed. i could feel my wet labia rubbing against each other and my damp panties as i walked through the office. The more i recognized Master's pussy the wetter i got and the more i ground it into my chair or rubbed my legs together as i stood.

Later on i had to pee a second time. Again my nipples were soft and i was able to clamp them and enjoy the bit of pain as the pee massaged my clit.

The third time i went in to piss, i didn't even take the time to gently pull tits out of their cups but just pulled the bra up to expose already hardened nipples wanting so much to be clamped. My nipples were hard and puckered before being touched. This time as the pegs went on my pussy throbbed and i squeezed out just enough pee to wet myself. The pleasure was intoxicating and i cleared my mind enough so as to just live in the feelings of pulsing pussy and pleasurable painful clamped nips. i rubbed my clit, tapped the head with a finger tip,..... anything to just feel my sex for as long as i dare be away from my desk.

The fourth time i went into the lav it was purely to spend time pleasuring Master's pussy.... no pee left, just pleasure, edging pleasure.

So this is a slut in heat, mmmm?.

Things i Love Post #2: Writing

Some of us just need to get these ideas out of our heads to free up more space for more thoughts that need to be written so that we can free up more space... right? And then we enjoy picking up the thoughts of others to add to the thoughts that are accumulating in our heads so that we can think and then write so we can read and write and talk and listen more and more. Is it just an intense need to communicate? Is it because we don't have time to hang over the backyard fence and yack yack yack with our neighbors like our grandmothers did?

In any event, i know that the need to write comes and goes. When i'm quiet here things are usually just fine "out there". Sometimes i am so busy i don't have time to write. Sometimes i don't have anything to say. Sometimes i have things to say and compose wonderful (i think they're wonderful) little stories or observations while i am driving or in the shower or laying in bed in the morning and then i just don't think of them again.

Months ago when i first began writing i posted that sometimes the words come easily. When i am on my own i will typically write only when the words come easily. When i am told to write, it may or may not be easy but it is good work to accomplish for Him.

Feeling Him

Until recently i've had limited success with meditation. i've tried focusing on light and on energy, i've tried to cast non-meditative thoughts into the river or stream to have them wash away, i've tried writing those thoughts down on paper so my mind knows i can come back to them later. i've tried using inspirational phrases as mantra. Somehow thoughts of adding to my grocery list or planning my next weekend get away keep popping back in my head.

How encouraging it is to have some success in meditation and i suppose it is because i've been introduced to a method that works and pays dividends but the main reason it works (i think) is because i've been tasked to do it daily. i cannot say this enough..... there is something intangible in the communication between a dominant and submissive and it is as though things scattered just line up. For me it is just a need being met and i am so grateful.

Anyways, i set an alarm to go off after 30 minutes. Sometimes i "come to" early and need to settle myself back down. With practice i am able to let go for the full 30 minutes.

i find that because i am being encouraged in a language that i understand and respond to i am more successful. During meditation following that "get into your head" scene, i found myself using the word "Master" successfully as a mantra -- unprompted by him to do so -- and with each word i again felt his cock enter me and i felt the burning and the chaffing as tho he was really there. i knew i was sitting in a chair but couldn't feel the chair. i knew my hands rested on the arms of the chair but i couldn't feel the fabric. It wasn't a floating feeling because i wasn't flying. It was more a feeling of almost being asleep but not being asleep. Then i heard the faint sound of the alarm, got up and went to bed to dream sweet dreams.

Power of His Suggestions

my clit throbs each time he tells me i am his good girl. Every time without fail. When he refers to me as his cunt, or his slut, the wetness runs from this pussy. When i even imagine him saying those words it happens.

We spoke a couple of nights ago just after i'd finished meditating and he told me that he'd be using my cunt.

"I'm seated in a chair and you are standing astride me offering me your cunt. I'm lowering you onto my cock. Tell me what you feel."

"i feel your cock teasing the opening of my pussy. i feel fingers rubbing along side my clit."

"Yessss. You love how that feels, don't you my slut? Pull your nipples for me. Twist them, twist them hard. Good girl. As i fuck you, you will say 'Master' again and again. Each time my cock fucks your pussy, you will say 'Master'. With each thrust of my cock you will call out to me and say 'Master' and the harder I fuck you the faster you will speak. The faster you speak the harder I fuck my slut. Understood my girl?"

"Yes, Sir, i understand."

"You are such a good girl, you love being My good girl, don't you?

"Yes Sir" i whisper.

"you're My good girl, now begin."

It was as he said it would be and i felt his cock enter me each time i said "Master". Faster and faster i spoke his name and faster and harder i could feel his cock. The pleasure rippled through my body as in my mind i was being fucked and used by my Master.

Then within a circle of bright light i stood. The nearness of him made me shudder and the anticipation of what was to come caused my breasts swell and nipples lengthen. He'd cuffed my wrists and clamped them together some time earlier. He bound me to the rope that hung from the center of the ceiling. my legs were spread and my back was arched downward so as to present my ass to him.

i heard the others gathering in the shadows. A man approached me from behind and spread my ass and i felt the tip of his cock begin to spread me open. His cock was narrow and as he fucked from behind Master held my head and fucked my mouth.

The man finished and stepped away.

The woman was next. i could see that she was very small of build and in a black leather corset. Just a little pixie, a little vixen, she had mere buds for breasts and little to no ass but her most amazing feature was her tongue.

"Offer your ass to her, my slut."

Then i felt her tongue snake into my pussy.... all the way in. Faster and faster she fucked. Then to my ass and her strong tongue pushed its way deeper and deeper as Master fucked my mouth. She finished. i was reminded to thank her.

And then, after the shudders of orgasm faded, he said i was to refer to him as Master from now on. Would i like that? Yes, yes, yes. Thank You!

Rubbing One Out

This is a new term for me. i heard it for the first time maybe a couple of months ago and i wonder if it has been in common use for way longer. Anyways i confess that i am one to just want to rub one out.

Lazy cunt is term that i'm more familiar with. i finally had the lazy cunt personal aha moment today. i've known i was/had/is a lazy cunt for a couple of years now but finally today it just sunk in. My lazy cunt is ready to be worked and taught and used for the benefit of the one i hope to serve and for my own benefit.

Sometimes i think a lazy mind goes along with the lazy cunt. i have a lazy mind which is probably due to being able to grasp things quickly and sometimes deeply without trying too hard. Sort of like the lazy cunt, isn't it, quick and sometimes deep without trying too hard.

When i want to masturbate i just grap the fav vibe, get the feeling going and off i go. i don't even think i can orgasm without the vibe. i can almost but not quite.

This where D/s ties into this topic.... dominants have a way of pulling the best out of submissives, don't they? Over time, with much patience and encouragement and probably puninshment, they shape the sexuality of their submissives to a new level. They can even instill their own personal fetishes into the mind and body of their girls so that those fetishes become shared.

i am early in a relationship with a dominant who lives in a different city and has his life there which he loves very much. He's fun and funny and witty. i love the sound of his voice. He's sooo sexual.

This man captivates my mind and body. He has me meditating 30 minutes each day to focus: on him, on how he controls my pussy and how my pussy controls my mind. To recognize and focus on the sexual feelings and sexual energy. The meditation makes me very open to him. It trains my mind and body and at the same time it's very relaxing and refreshing.

Written Words

This blog began at the suggestion of a dominant man i worked with for a few months in late 2007. It was meant to be a way for me to let him know what was going on in my mind regarding D/s. The posts were pretty much just streams of thought and unedited. i was to just write and he'd glean what he needed from whatever i rambled on about. So always being the girl who loves a really good one-on-one conversation rather than captiviating the attention of everyone at the banquet table, i pretty much just spilled out the thoughts and feelings. Didn't worry about paragraphs or sentence structure. Didn't even think of polishing. i never imagined anyone other than the two of us would read it.

Now there are many who read it. i understand the attraction of looking into someone else's world. What i didn't expect was how much the sharing of my words with people i don't even know affects what i want to share. i'm not as candid any more.

i still try to just write in an unedited fashion. i'm going to try to write more often without being concerned about how people looking in will view my flip flopping and sometimes confused as to direction self. i'll try not to worry about not being polished.

Lavatory Slut the Next Day

The suggestion must have been planted deeply. It wasn’t like yesterday when the pussy heat started on low and rose though out the day. It happened sometime around noon and it was immediate burn that seemed like it came out of nowhere. Mmmmmm the feelings he gives me for his pleasure bring to my mind how he speaks to me. “My cunt, my slut, my good girl” he says, “you love to please me, don’t you?”.

The erotic feelings are involuntary. He knows and i know that he can control my body just that easily. i wait. The wait produces anticipation and the anticipation sends juices running and nipples hardening in waves.

My red handbag is under my desk just to the right of my legs. i see it every time i push my chair back to leave my desk and i know that there is a small vibe tucked into the side pocket. i also know that i am to use that vibe to bring myself to orgasm before i leave the office today. He said it mattered not to him whether i came in the small lavatory within the office or in the public ladies room on our floor of the office building, but that i release for him today in that way.

i suspect that most women have a favorite toy that they use regularly to bring themselves off. i know that some use only fingers. i’ve been trained (not intentionally but out of practice) to come only with a simple vibe that i’ve had for several years. Unless that vibe is on my clit, though, the orgasms don’t want to come.

The little vibe in the side pocket of the red bag is not my best cum toy that always gets me off vibe. i’ve never been able to orgasm using that little vibe but this time it will have to work. Primary reason being he says it will work thereby making the other reasons not matter.

Those feelings of needing to touch myself become more persistent as the afternoon progresses. The cunt juices gush into my panties as i realize that by his suggestion i am becoming nearly uncontrollably aroused in this public workplace. Nobody is around me now so i reach down into the neck of my top and squeeze my right nipple. i am feeling myself up in my office?? What am i doing? All i can think about is the need to find the time to release.

As i take care of job business, the little side conversations going on in my head discuss the pros and cons of vibing and coming and timing and location. i shake my head to clear away the desires, breathe deeply and concentrate on the work at hand. i can wait, i can wait, i tell myself. No i can’t.

Into the lavatory, drop pants, spread my legs as wide as they go for him i fuck myself. Two fingers in and out, pumping, pumping, slowly. So exquisite. Pull up my top and bra to expose the big hard nipples and to play while i fuck and stroke. The scent is heaven and the taste of me is even better. Just edging now, sweet cunt. Don’t cum. You're preparing yourself for him and you will cum with the little vibe so wait.

i’ve created a little lust-space to live in. Wonder if anyone will notice? How many more minutes until 5:00?

There is rarely a day when i rush out the door at 5. Today i rushed out the door at 5. Grabbing coat, saying good byes i am off down the hall. Push open the door to the ladies.... nobody here but me, good. Hang up the coat. Unzip handbag and get the vibe and hold it in my mouth as i drop my pants. Sit on the seat and lean back into the corner of the stall. How wet am i? That clit is big and hard girl, now come. Just let it come to you, it’ll come. i hear the elevator doors opening. Wonder if someone will come in here? Don’t care. Just come, come. Oh gawd here it comes. Waves and waves and waves.

Things I Love Post #1 Timbits

Timbits... the Honey Dipped kind. At least i think that is the name of my fav little dough bite.

The conversation could go like this:

Good Morning young lady, how may i help you?

i would like a box of 10 Timbits please, Honey Dipped.

That will be (whatever they cost). Please pull around.

i reach into my purse and my wallet is right on top. i pull out nearly exact change on the first try. Exchange cash for Bits and i am on my way.


For me, though, it goes more like this:

Hello, mumble mumble please?

Um, yes, can you hear me?

Yes Ma'am.

Oh ok, i'd like a little little box of donut holes, maybe a dozen or fifteen or so, the kind that are sort of like cake donuts with glaze on them. What are those called?

mumble mumble Honey Dipped, Ma'am. They come in boxes of 10 or mumble.

i'm sorry, you are breaking up. How many?

10 or 20.

Oh 10 is fine, thank you. (i really want 20 but that is excessive.)

That will be mumble mumble. Please pull up to the window.

i reach for my purse which is zipped closed. i pull off my thick gloves to unzip and dig for my wallet which is underneath my little makup bag which holds my keys and reading glasses and a lipstick and any little notes or business cards that i may pick up long the day. i open the side of my wallet that has plastic cards and no money. i turn it around and open the other side that has money and decide i've taken too long already so hand the nice young man the first bill i come to and exchange the cash for donuts and a handful of bills and coin which i toss into my open purse to sort out later and i am on my way.

Lavatory Slut

The cravings are building again.

Today it wasn’t exactly a feeling but was more like an awareness that grew. I acknowledged it and welcomed it and the burn began.

Those around me couldn’t have known, could they? Because really there was only a subtle change in my posture and my breathing. Legs were pressed together and squeezed tightly and then released and sqeezed and released and I’d rock a little on each hip bone to rub swelling cunt lips together. I could tilt my pelvis just a little to grind my mound into my chair and to feel the pleasure rising from within. God. The tendrils of clit that live deep in my cunt teased me from somewhere inside. You know that feeling. It’s that feeling that makes us want to bring knees up to offer cunt for fucking.

I needed to pee.

Pants pooled around my ankles as I sat in the small lavatory off of the office kitchen. Hot piss teased my lips and I spread my legs wide. Yes you sweet cunt, touch yourself. I stroked my clit shaft and circled the head. I reached farther down to the bottom rim of my open pussy and scooped wet girl juice. Two fingers fucked. I leaned forward on the john and my mouth opened to take the unseen cock that’s ready to use it.

I hear him now. “Lick your lips, slut. Show me how much you want my cock down your throat.” So mouth open with my tongue circling my lips I rubbed faster. The feelings are glorious and I am so close. There’s a vanity just to my left and my elbow rests on it so that my left hand can squeeze my breast as I jerk myself off and take his cum down my throat.

Today is not an orgasm day. So I pull up my pants, flush, wash hands and straighten myself up. I open the door and go back to business as usual.

Then it begins again.

The New Start

The romantic in me just couldn’t wait for the day I would find my “One” .... my Sir or Master. When I would have to ask to use the bathroom or to come. When I’d be required to account for my time and when I’d be required to make time for Him ahead of myself. All that. I enjoy making time for the man in my life and I enjoy telling him what I have done with my days and nights. But that isn’t the same as being required to.

As life would have it, things didn’t work out quite that way. When the time came for me to introduce the idea of D/s to my Mr. and when the deer in the headlights expression faded from his face, we decided that we should see what should be done to bring him up to speed about this thing that I so desperately wanted (and need) called lifestyle D/s. So I ordered some books. We went to the kinky sex shop. We looked online at toys and at informative websites and on his own he looked up D/s and S&M in psychological websites to see if it was even healthy. I really sweat that one out for a while.

Not only did I want a Sir, I wanted to say it. To say the word Master. We tried it and when I said Master to him it sounded so fake that we cracked up. It didn’t push any of his buttons I guess and I suppose I didn’t really believe it enough to pass on the energy to him. “Sir” lasted a little while longer but even that faded after a while. Maybe I should try it again.

About the 4th time I asked for permission to pee I got a glare and an only slightly peeved response something like “I don’t care”.... so, okay ... just a little dead end there.

But all of that was over a year ago. Maybe it’s time to try again?

So the other day I brought up the idea of punishment, you know, like “what if you asked me to do something and I didn’t will you punish me?” and “maybe when I do something you don’t like I need to be punished” and I got that look again, the only slightly peeved look with a response of “I do not want to punish you.”

Okay. Another little dead end not to mention that I just hate it when I am so wishy washy about asking for what I need. But why is it so hard for me to just tell him all of these things that I write about in here? Because it requires a level of emotional soul baring that is uncomfortable.

Maybe I should take my own advice, the advice I gave to kitten about sharing her secret fantasies with her Master.... be myself. Dress submissively, ask for permission to read, and begin at the beginning.