Doing OK, Doing Good, Better Than Good, Really!

Bubble bath, candles, a Cosmo Martini (or 2) .... but the very best part of that night was time with Master. Time to hear him, laugh with him, feel him, and be taken away by him. To be disciplined. He cares and i love that he cares.

It's in the coming together of needs in this special and glorious way that i serve him but how is it that in serving him i feel that he gives me so much? i try to intellectualize this process but really can't and hope to give that up because it does no good.

i've also had another "a ha" moment (probably again but isn't it like me to need to go back over it again and again) and that is that i have to use fantasy to engage my mind so that pussy can follow. So simple. i do it to some extent but i just finally understood how big a part it plays in being led over the edge to orgasm. During meditation i mostly focused on the feelings in Master's cunt and nipples so i could carry that into edging. But i don't think i was using enough fantasy in edging but, instead, would fall back on feelings. i love feelings and sensations but isn't it true that combining feelings, sensations with vivid fantasy the way to blast off?

While In Hiding

i saw the train wreck coming but couldn't stop it. You wanted a part of me that is very uncomfortable for me to give and this one was about self esteem. (i see that i actually wrote the words "self esteem".) i don't like talking about it. It's making me uncomfortable. Even so, i'm smiling as i remember our conversation.... who in the world would have thought that i'd go off over something that is so ordinary for most people? You pushed some deep buttons. my reaction surprised me and i think it surprised you, too.

Since Sunday morning i had convinced myself that i ran from you to save you from me.... but i think i ran from you to safe myself from me. i just now realized it.

i've thought about that today and realize that there isn't any one person in my life i feel safe enough with to reveal everything to. i wonder why i hold on so tightly to my stuff? i suppose it's because the person i loved most of all when i was young would not listen or accept ALL of me so i undervalued my own opinions and desires from then on.

What i had just done. i wondered if i had just ruined a relationship that has potential of being quite wonderful. i wondered if i would hear from you again or what it would be like when i did. i wondered if i should come crawling back to you or if i should write a huge email or write something here. Did none of the above. Just waited.

So these few days have been thoughtful and tearful .... this event brought back feelings and memories that i wish i could just get over. Made me question if we are doing the "right" thing. Made me wonder why i cared so much.

i began to wonder if i am made of the right stuff to be useful to a dominant. Then i reminded myself that this is a process. i know i'm submissive, you know i am and i just need someone to follow.

Then i heard from you. i heard the fairness in your words. No judgment. My girl, don't run from me. When you are ready to tell Me what happened, we will talk..... and we did, and you asked me to just let it out, to ramble on here for a while, and this feels good. Thank you, Master.

Running for Cover

i was conditioned to be afraid of saying NO. My opinions mattered but not when they were in opposition to those who had power over me. My opinions mattered as long as i didn't take "too much" pride in them. It was important that i be "invisible", no trouble, compliant, easy. i was just a little tiny girl when i stopped believing in myself.

i've been able to rise above most of that baggage but sometimes when circumstances are just a certain way (usually when i am mentally exhausted), i regress back to that little girl who runs for cover without thinking.

Sunday morning it happened. i ran for cover.

It could have been because i was so tired. i know i was physically and emotionally weary. i was not relaxed... a bit of a stressed mess, actually. A friend of mine who is the same business as i am describes herself during this time of year as being steadily weepy, but anyways.... i had this little window of time that i could offer to you, Master, and i wanted to just be with you so badly.

So i didn't tell you that i was a stressed mess. i didn't want to emphasize it. i just wanted to be with you in this little window of time. We don't know each other well enough yet for you to be able to pick up on how i was feeling... i don't really know if i even gave any signs. i didn't realize that by not wanting to appear needy or weak i was withholding information from you that you needed.

Sunday when we were together i said "no". Actually i don't think i said "no" but used about ten words that meant no. We hit a limit of mine that we hadn't talked about. When i said "NO" to you on Sunday my first thought was that you did not need my drama. i felt really bad that i couldn't manage to open up to you about why i said no. Rather than stay and talk to you, i did what i'd been conditioned to do: i ran away from you. i shut you out. And then i didn't know what to do.

This really shook me up. i had such conflicted feelings. i thought that maybe we'd found the deal breaker because i'd have to admit that i wasn't "that type of woman" that i'd created in my imagination that was "your type of woman". Rather than just saying "that's a limit that over time may change" i panicked.

At the end of the day you wrote to me to let me know that we'd be taking about it and that'd i would need to be prepared to talk to you. After all, you said, we can't work through this with a monologue. i talked. You listened. You care about what i have to say and you sent me here to put my feelings down. So here it is, Master ..... it's now 1 am and i think this will be all for now. i'd like to write more tomorrow about our conversation.

He Wrote me an e-mail

i confess that i had an attitude.

i was completing a task.

i was not happy.

i was thinking that i could still be in bed, asleep. i thought it probably made more sense for me to be in bed, asleep.

And mostly because i don't like doing what i was asked to do.

i remembered that it isn't about what i like to do or when i like to do it or if i like to do it.

i did it anyways.

Then i got a little happier.

Then i had peace.

It doesn't really matter what the task was because the issue is about my attitude and my understanding of my place. Master had asked me to do this task a while back and i'm not sure how long ago it was but probably a week or two. i back-burnered it for some reasons that i thought were good ones.

Then i got the e-mail. i was really happy when Master told me he'd sent me an e-mail because we don't e-mail often. And you realize, don't you, that i thought it would be full of twisted thoughts and things that would make my heart race and blood rush from my head. Then i read it. He was very kind, but very firm. "....... my girl..... I know you are busy at work and so am I.... quality time together ...... I know you can accomplish this..... will keep us connected.... " To Master i responded that the task would be completed by noon on Saturday.

My reactions? My heart raced and blood rushed south even still. Then soon i became a bit defensive. My way of thinking through the timeline wasn't the way it was going to be? The defensive feelings were my vanilla responses that i use in most of the rest of my life. i quickly realized that it is his place to do just what he did and that i am to be grateful and am grateful that he cares enough to keep me on track. Then i panicked a little because i just panic and then i felt peace. i didn't have to think about planning for time availability or avoiding it.... Master took that from me and i was left feeling free and anticipating doing something for him.

Master was pleased with the results of my work for him. He wrote me a lovely e-mail with twisted thoughts and words that made my heart race.

i started to write "i'm sorry that i had an attitude" but that isn't true. i'm grateful that i had an attitude because without it i might not have grown through this task quite as much.

It's a beautiful circle, isn't it?

Things i Love Post #4: Other Blogs

We all seem to go through periods of writers block or busy periods that leave us with little time to write. i'm going both ways lately.

So rather than feed my spirit by writing my own thoughts i know i can go to the blogs of others i enjoy reading. i can keep up with about a dozen or so and try to drop by each one at least once a week. i am inspired by the uniqueness and beauty of those who write and how they present themselves, their relationships and their spirits through their words and pictures. Yes, i like pictures too. And yes, sometimes i just look at the pictures ;).

Just about every time i check through my blogroll i find that i am either made to laugh or moved to tears. i always leave with something to think about. i wish i could respond to each writer as eloquently as they post but then again, sometimes it is just nice to let it all in and live in me for awhile without trying to compose a response.

Thank you for writing.

it's only temporary

i sat in my car yesterday afternoon in a library parking lot and cried. i had nothing specifically to cry about but the tears came anyways. i had to stop crying because i had to go back to work. So i brushed my hair and put on lipstick drove back to the office and finished up the week.

Last night i got a lovely email from my boss commending me about how i worked so well and happily amid chaos.

Last night i had to admit to Master that i haven't kept up well with tasks. He was very stern with me which made me wet. So at least i know that crys the slut is still inside me somewhere but wow.... she's hard to reach these days.

This morning in the shower i shaved Master's cunt and guess what i did. i cried. i cupped his pussy in my hand and just cried.

It's only temporary.... in a month or less the work load will be less and the energy will be calmer and i guess i have to learn to be gentle with myself and allow balance in all things. That sounds pretty good, doesn't it? But i think that what i really want is to be made to break, made to let it all out, taken to a place where it is safe enough to fall apart so that i can come back and serve.

Melting?

A few things are going on right now. This is going to be so whiny. And i'm still going to write it.

Work is insane. And i love it when it's like this. Even though i have so little left of me at the end of the day i love it. What i don't like is that it seems to take it's toll out of the quality of the rest of my life.

i love our clients (most of them). i love it that one of them has brought in TimBits twice in the last 2 weeks. i love her.

The lav times still happen but they are less frequent. Sometimes i just don't take the time to pee or even drink anything to make the pee. i know that is not healthy but the real downer is that all the concentration and attention to detail required to work means i can't spend as much quality time tempting Master's pussy with erotic thoughts.

i also have some new tasks to complete. These are tasks that are one time things and not ongoing. i like to get one time tasks done fast and guess what. They aren't getting done. That bothers me a whole lot. My new tasks are taking longer to complete that i like and i think that is a stress producer.

Not only am i being whiny but the tears are coming now. So girls, how do you do this? Do you ever have panicky feelings about messing up your tasking or not progressing? How do you balance it all?

She Edges

i'm on orgasm restriction right now. i'm to edge often but not come.

During last night's devotion there was a point where i could "feel" Master's ass full as tho plugged and i could feel Him filling His pussy with His cock. I focus on those feelings during meditation so they are accessible to me when i am not with Master.

In between Master's devotional time and the time i could be alone in my bed the pleasure feelings ran up and down my clit and around the opening of His cunt. i could feel my slit fill with moisture.

Then bed. So exhausted physically and mentally but buzzing sexually.

It was nearly a compulsion to need to fill His pussy with something.... something that could be like His cock. Fingers go in first and i can feel the soft and wet pussy walls. i love to cup the wetness in my hand and draw it up to my clit and then rub and tease and pinch and pull. i feel my clit become like a marble with hard tendrils that reach deeper into my body around my vagina and it is those tendrils that want to be touched by something from inside of Master's pussy. Fingers aren't doing it. So i roll over and open the toy box and find the smaller vibe.... the one i used in my office ladies room, Master. i need to do it again now. i'll be right back.

Better now. So wanton sitting here fucking it while i write to You.

i was able to bring myself to the edge 3 times while fantasizing of being used and displayed and made to masturbate ..... so humiliating but so effective .... coming so close to falling over the edge into orgasm but pulling back each time. Trying to hold that heat as long as i could without going over.

The fourth time i nearly went too far. This time i wanted the vibe massaging my clit and the pleasure built and built and built and when i thought of being used so close up on JM i was barely able to pull back from the orgasm in time. i was on the edge of that orgasm for probably 20 seconds willing it to not go over to full orgasm.

Then sleep.

i awoke once in the night with legs spread, cunt wet, fingers pulling nipples, my other hand grazing my body on its way to Your cunt. i love what You do to Your cunt, Master.

Then this morning.... waking again in sexual energy i could imagine your voice.... how velvet and smooth and sexual it is .... as we meet in public and i am allowed to lean over to suck Master's cock while my dress is pulled up to expose my ass. All of my fantasy was about the magic You do to prepare Your slut to please You. This slut's body is all about pleasing You. Worshipping Your cock with mouth and cunt and ass.

happy birthday....
Your sk

Devotion

It's late according to my Friday night body clock. i've just finished my daily meditation so i am feeling peaceful and relaxed and aroused. i'm so grateful to Master for giving me this training that i hope i never miss. In this obediance i have found that it's a gift of time with Him and it is calming and centering to me. It's about the best part of my day.

He has trained me to focus on who i am in relation to Him and on the feelings that generates. i think by doing this mediation the rest of my day is more productive. i know that it is more productive sexually because my mind is now being trained to be in a pretty constant state of connection with Master's pussy. i know it is productive in enhancing my general attitude and joy as i work and interact with others through the day no matter where i am or who i am interacting with. i feel more alive, more vibrant. Have i mentioned the word bliss within the last 24 hours? i think i do a better job at work and at home.

Another realization as i meditated tonight is now that i belong to Master i feel calmer at home with Mr. There will be fewer resentments now that there is no pressure on him to be the type of man that he is not cut out to be. He is now free to just be.

And just so that this is not all about being in la la land, i'd like to add that most every minute of the day and night i dream of having my fingers busy between my legs. There's no time like the present, is there?

nite nite ;-)

Friday

It's Friday. i am home for a lunch break.

As much as i like to think that i am cruising through tax season pretty decently while taking care of my typical work load i now have a new fantasy that may be evidence that i am not just sailing through. Here's what happened. From my POV of course ;). i was really peeved with a woman at work this morning because of her "no can do" attitude which i just don't understand. i mean, really, it's a busy time and everyone has to do extra, right? .... i know i am a sub and usually jump in to do what i can so that the work gets done whether i really want more to do or not. Whatever....

Anyways, i am tasked to use my bathroom time in a certain way now. And when i was just about ready to strangle this person i had to pee. Off i went into the lav, cursing her in my mind while taking the clothespins from the zipper pocket in the lining of my purse. Down went the pants. i sat and pulled my nipples and applied the pegs. Curse, curse, curse. And then the most wonderful thing happened.... the tension and anger and curse words just went out of my mind.... i was instantly calm. Instantly aroused. It was like i gave it all away and Master smoothed my spikey energy with words and attitudes that He's placed in my mind.

Must get back to work... maybe i'll have time to write tonight.

Things i Love Post #3 kitty

i love pussy.

Especially mine except it isn't mine any more.

i've freely given to Master and this is His. i happily call it Master's pussy. Very happily and even ecstatically happily call His. It's true that a sub in service is a contented one, indeed.

i had a large coffee for breakfast before setting off for appointments all morning. By about 10:30 the urge to pee was growing and by 11:30 it was almost all i could think about. The other little thing i thought about was that begining today i was to piss for Him.

my drive to please Him has become a delightful compulsion.

i suppose i could have used a ladies room along the way somewhere but it is much more wanton to me to go to the little lav along the little hallway next to the office coffee station and have a few moments in submissive bliss. And in the back of my mind i remember that last night He described to me how i was to piss for him in the office lav so in the office lav is where i need to be.

The pissing directive is less about voiding urine and more about making the experience sexual. i was already using the time alone to rub my clit or to feel my wetness and taste. Now i am to keep count of all my pissings and i am to lean forward on the seat when i do so that i can feel the pee splash against my clit. And, i am to peg both of my nipples before beginning. All women carry two clothespins in their purse, right? i do now.

i pissed three times this afternoon while at work and as i sit here writing, i am holding another in .... the urge to pee is so strong and my clit pulses as i squeeze to hold the piss inside of me while i write. i don't know if i am supposed to clamp my nips while at home. For a while i'd decided that because he said "at work" that i would keep the task as an office task but i believe He'd want me to carry the order always.

my nipples were soft the first time i peed for Master today. i pulled down my bra, pulled breasts out and pegged each nipple, leaned forward on the seat and felt the gush of hot piss stroke my clit. Delightful!

i grew more excited as the afternoon progressed. i could feel my wet labia rubbing against each other and my damp panties as i walked through the office. The more i recognized Master's pussy the wetter i got and the more i ground it into my chair or rubbed my legs together as i stood.

Later on i had to pee a second time. Again my nipples were soft and i was able to clamp them and enjoy the bit of pain as the pee massaged my clit.

The third time i went in to piss, i didn't even take the time to gently pull tits out of their cups but just pulled the bra up to expose already hardened nipples wanting so much to be clamped. My nipples were hard and puckered before being touched. This time as the pegs went on my pussy throbbed and i squeezed out just enough pee to wet myself. The pleasure was intoxicating and i cleared my mind enough so as to just live in the feelings of pulsing pussy and pleasurable painful clamped nips. i rubbed my clit, tapped the head with a finger tip,..... anything to just feel my sex for as long as i dare be away from my desk.

The fourth time i went into the lav it was purely to spend time pleasuring Master's pussy.... no pee left, just pleasure, edging pleasure.

So this is a slut in heat, mmmm?.

Things i Love Post #2: Writing

Some of us just need to get these ideas out of our heads to free up more space for more thoughts that need to be written so that we can free up more space... right? And then we enjoy picking up the thoughts of others to add to the thoughts that are accumulating in our heads so that we can think and then write so we can read and write and talk and listen more and more. Is it just an intense need to communicate? Is it because we don't have time to hang over the backyard fence and yack yack yack with our neighbors like our grandmothers did?

In any event, i know that the need to write comes and goes. When i'm quiet here things are usually just fine "out there". Sometimes i am so busy i don't have time to write. Sometimes i don't have anything to say. Sometimes i have things to say and compose wonderful (i think they're wonderful) little stories or observations while i am driving or in the shower or laying in bed in the morning and then i just don't think of them again.

Months ago when i first began writing i posted that sometimes the words come easily. When i am on my own i will typically write only when the words come easily. When i am told to write, it may or may not be easy but it is good work to accomplish for Him.

Feeling Him

Until recently i've had limited success with meditation. i've tried focusing on light and on energy, i've tried to cast non-meditative thoughts into the river or stream to have them wash away, i've tried writing those thoughts down on paper so my mind knows i can come back to them later. i've tried using inspirational phrases as mantra. Somehow thoughts of adding to my grocery list or planning my next weekend get away keep popping back in my head.

How encouraging it is to have some success in meditation and i suppose it is because i've been introduced to a method that works and pays dividends but the main reason it works (i think) is because i've been tasked to do it daily. i cannot say this enough..... there is something intangible in the communication between a dominant and submissive and it is as though things scattered just line up. For me it is just a need being met and i am so grateful.

Anyways, i set an alarm to go off after 30 minutes. Sometimes i "come to" early and need to settle myself back down. With practice i am able to let go for the full 30 minutes.

i find that because i am being encouraged in a language that i understand and respond to i am more successful. During meditation following that "get into your head" scene, i found myself using the word "Master" successfully as a mantra -- unprompted by him to do so -- and with each word i again felt his cock enter me and i felt the burning and the chaffing as tho he was really there. i knew i was sitting in a chair but couldn't feel the chair. i knew my hands rested on the arms of the chair but i couldn't feel the fabric. It wasn't a floating feeling because i wasn't flying. It was more a feeling of almost being asleep but not being asleep. Then i heard the faint sound of the alarm, got up and went to bed to dream sweet dreams.

Power of His Suggestions

my clit throbs each time he tells me i am his good girl. Every time without fail. When he refers to me as his cunt, or his slut, the wetness runs from this pussy. When i even imagine him saying those words it happens.

We spoke a couple of nights ago just after i'd finished meditating and he told me that he'd be using my cunt.

"I'm seated in a chair and you are standing astride me offering me your cunt. I'm lowering you onto my cock. Tell me what you feel."

"i feel your cock teasing the opening of my pussy. i feel fingers rubbing along side my clit."

"Yessss. You love how that feels, don't you my slut? Pull your nipples for me. Twist them, twist them hard. Good girl. As i fuck you, you will say 'Master' again and again. Each time my cock fucks your pussy, you will say 'Master'. With each thrust of my cock you will call out to me and say 'Master' and the harder I fuck you the faster you will speak. The faster you speak the harder I fuck my slut. Understood my girl?"

"Yes, Sir, i understand."

"You are such a good girl, you love being My good girl, don't you?

"Yes Sir" i whisper.

"you're My good girl, now begin."

It was as he said it would be and i felt his cock enter me each time i said "Master". Faster and faster i spoke his name and faster and harder i could feel his cock. The pleasure rippled through my body as in my mind i was being fucked and used by my Master.

Then within a circle of bright light i stood. The nearness of him made me shudder and the anticipation of what was to come caused my breasts swell and nipples lengthen. He'd cuffed my wrists and clamped them together some time earlier. He bound me to the rope that hung from the center of the ceiling. my legs were spread and my back was arched downward so as to present my ass to him.

i heard the others gathering in the shadows. A man approached me from behind and spread my ass and i felt the tip of his cock begin to spread me open. His cock was narrow and as he fucked from behind Master held my head and fucked my mouth.

The man finished and stepped away.

The woman was next. i could see that she was very small of build and in a black leather corset. Just a little pixie, a little vixen, she had mere buds for breasts and little to no ass but her most amazing feature was her tongue.

"Offer your ass to her, my slut."

Then i felt her tongue snake into my pussy.... all the way in. Faster and faster she fucked. Then to my ass and her strong tongue pushed its way deeper and deeper as Master fucked my mouth. She finished. i was reminded to thank her.

And then, after the shudders of orgasm faded, he said i was to refer to him as Master from now on. Would i like that? Yes, yes, yes. Thank You!

Rubbing One Out

This is a new term for me. i heard it for the first time maybe a couple of months ago and i wonder if it has been in common use for way longer. Anyways i confess that i am one to just want to rub one out.

Lazy cunt is term that i'm more familiar with. i finally had the lazy cunt personal aha moment today. i've known i was/had/is a lazy cunt for a couple of years now but finally today it just sunk in. My lazy cunt is ready to be worked and taught and used for the benefit of the one i hope to serve and for my own benefit.

Sometimes i think a lazy mind goes along with the lazy cunt. i have a lazy mind which is probably due to being able to grasp things quickly and sometimes deeply without trying too hard. Sort of like the lazy cunt, isn't it, quick and sometimes deep without trying too hard.

When i want to masturbate i just grap the fav vibe, get the feeling going and off i go. i don't even think i can orgasm without the vibe. i can almost but not quite.

This where D/s ties into this topic.... dominants have a way of pulling the best out of submissives, don't they? Over time, with much patience and encouragement and probably puninshment, they shape the sexuality of their submissives to a new level. They can even instill their own personal fetishes into the mind and body of their girls so that those fetishes become shared.

i am early in a relationship with a dominant who lives in a different city and has his life there which he loves very much. He's fun and funny and witty. i love the sound of his voice. He's sooo sexual.

This man captivates my mind and body. He has me meditating 30 minutes each day to focus: on him, on how he controls my pussy and how my pussy controls my mind. To recognize and focus on the sexual feelings and sexual energy. The meditation makes me very open to him. It trains my mind and body and at the same time it's very relaxing and refreshing.

Written Words

This blog began at the suggestion of a dominant man i worked with for a few months in late 2007. It was meant to be a way for me to let him know what was going on in my mind regarding D/s. The posts were pretty much just streams of thought and unedited. i was to just write and he'd glean what he needed from whatever i rambled on about. So always being the girl who loves a really good one-on-one conversation rather than captiviating the attention of everyone at the banquet table, i pretty much just spilled out the thoughts and feelings. Didn't worry about paragraphs or sentence structure. Didn't even think of polishing. i never imagined anyone other than the two of us would read it.

Now there are many who read it. i understand the attraction of looking into someone else's world. What i didn't expect was how much the sharing of my words with people i don't even know affects what i want to share. i'm not as candid any more.

i still try to just write in an unedited fashion. i'm going to try to write more often without being concerned about how people looking in will view my flip flopping and sometimes confused as to direction self. i'll try not to worry about not being polished.

Lavatory Slut the Next Day

The suggestion must have been planted deeply. It wasn’t like yesterday when the pussy heat started on low and rose though out the day. It happened sometime around noon and it was immediate burn that seemed like it came out of nowhere. Mmmmmm the feelings he gives me for his pleasure bring to my mind how he speaks to me. “My cunt, my slut, my good girl” he says, “you love to please me, don’t you?”.

The erotic feelings are involuntary. He knows and i know that he can control my body just that easily. i wait. The wait produces anticipation and the anticipation sends juices running and nipples hardening in waves.

My red handbag is under my desk just to the right of my legs. i see it every time i push my chair back to leave my desk and i know that there is a small vibe tucked into the side pocket. i also know that i am to use that vibe to bring myself to orgasm before i leave the office today. He said it mattered not to him whether i came in the small lavatory within the office or in the public ladies room on our floor of the office building, but that i release for him today in that way.

i suspect that most women have a favorite toy that they use regularly to bring themselves off. i know that some use only fingers. i’ve been trained (not intentionally but out of practice) to come only with a simple vibe that i’ve had for several years. Unless that vibe is on my clit, though, the orgasms don’t want to come.

The little vibe in the side pocket of the red bag is not my best cum toy that always gets me off vibe. i’ve never been able to orgasm using that little vibe but this time it will have to work. Primary reason being he says it will work thereby making the other reasons not matter.

Those feelings of needing to touch myself become more persistent as the afternoon progresses. The cunt juices gush into my panties as i realize that by his suggestion i am becoming nearly uncontrollably aroused in this public workplace. Nobody is around me now so i reach down into the neck of my top and squeeze my right nipple. i am feeling myself up in my office?? What am i doing? All i can think about is the need to find the time to release.

As i take care of job business, the little side conversations going on in my head discuss the pros and cons of vibing and coming and timing and location. i shake my head to clear away the desires, breathe deeply and concentrate on the work at hand. i can wait, i can wait, i tell myself. No i can’t.

Into the lavatory, drop pants, spread my legs as wide as they go for him i fuck myself. Two fingers in and out, pumping, pumping, slowly. So exquisite. Pull up my top and bra to expose the big hard nipples and to play while i fuck and stroke. The scent is heaven and the taste of me is even better. Just edging now, sweet cunt. Don’t cum. You're preparing yourself for him and you will cum with the little vibe so wait.

i’ve created a little lust-space to live in. Wonder if anyone will notice? How many more minutes until 5:00?

There is rarely a day when i rush out the door at 5. Today i rushed out the door at 5. Grabbing coat, saying good byes i am off down the hall. Push open the door to the ladies.... nobody here but me, good. Hang up the coat. Unzip handbag and get the vibe and hold it in my mouth as i drop my pants. Sit on the seat and lean back into the corner of the stall. How wet am i? That clit is big and hard girl, now come. Just let it come to you, it’ll come. i hear the elevator doors opening. Wonder if someone will come in here? Don’t care. Just come, come. Oh gawd here it comes. Waves and waves and waves.

Things I Love Post #1 Timbits

Timbits... the Honey Dipped kind. At least i think that is the name of my fav little dough bite.

The conversation could go like this:

Good Morning young lady, how may i help you?

i would like a box of 10 Timbits please, Honey Dipped.

That will be (whatever they cost). Please pull around.

i reach into my purse and my wallet is right on top. i pull out nearly exact change on the first try. Exchange cash for Bits and i am on my way.


For me, though, it goes more like this:

Hello, mumble mumble please?

Um, yes, can you hear me?

Yes Ma'am.

Oh ok, i'd like a little little box of donut holes, maybe a dozen or fifteen or so, the kind that are sort of like cake donuts with glaze on them. What are those called?

mumble mumble Honey Dipped, Ma'am. They come in boxes of 10 or mumble.

i'm sorry, you are breaking up. How many?

10 or 20.

Oh 10 is fine, thank you. (i really want 20 but that is excessive.)

That will be mumble mumble. Please pull up to the window.

i reach for my purse which is zipped closed. i pull off my thick gloves to unzip and dig for my wallet which is underneath my little makup bag which holds my keys and reading glasses and a lipstick and any little notes or business cards that i may pick up long the day. i open the side of my wallet that has plastic cards and no money. i turn it around and open the other side that has money and decide i've taken too long already so hand the nice young man the first bill i come to and exchange the cash for donuts and a handful of bills and coin which i toss into my open purse to sort out later and i am on my way.

Lavatory Slut

The cravings are building again.

Today it wasn’t exactly a feeling but was more like an awareness that grew. I acknowledged it and welcomed it and the burn began.

Those around me couldn’t have known, could they? Because really there was only a subtle change in my posture and my breathing. Legs were pressed together and squeezed tightly and then released and sqeezed and released and I’d rock a little on each hip bone to rub swelling cunt lips together. I could tilt my pelvis just a little to grind my mound into my chair and to feel the pleasure rising from within. God. The tendrils of clit that live deep in my cunt teased me from somewhere inside. You know that feeling. It’s that feeling that makes us want to bring knees up to offer cunt for fucking.

I needed to pee.

Pants pooled around my ankles as I sat in the small lavatory off of the office kitchen. Hot piss teased my lips and I spread my legs wide. Yes you sweet cunt, touch yourself. I stroked my clit shaft and circled the head. I reached farther down to the bottom rim of my open pussy and scooped wet girl juice. Two fingers fucked. I leaned forward on the john and my mouth opened to take the unseen cock that’s ready to use it.

I hear him now. “Lick your lips, slut. Show me how much you want my cock down your throat.” So mouth open with my tongue circling my lips I rubbed faster. The feelings are glorious and I am so close. There’s a vanity just to my left and my elbow rests on it so that my left hand can squeeze my breast as I jerk myself off and take his cum down my throat.

Today is not an orgasm day. So I pull up my pants, flush, wash hands and straighten myself up. I open the door and go back to business as usual.

Then it begins again.

The New Start

The romantic in me just couldn’t wait for the day I would find my “One” .... my Sir or Master. When I would have to ask to use the bathroom or to come. When I’d be required to account for my time and when I’d be required to make time for Him ahead of myself. All that. I enjoy making time for the man in my life and I enjoy telling him what I have done with my days and nights. But that isn’t the same as being required to.

As life would have it, things didn’t work out quite that way. When the time came for me to introduce the idea of D/s to my Mr. and when the deer in the headlights expression faded from his face, we decided that we should see what should be done to bring him up to speed about this thing that I so desperately wanted (and need) called lifestyle D/s. So I ordered some books. We went to the kinky sex shop. We looked online at toys and at informative websites and on his own he looked up D/s and S&M in psychological websites to see if it was even healthy. I really sweat that one out for a while.

Not only did I want a Sir, I wanted to say it. To say the word Master. We tried it and when I said Master to him it sounded so fake that we cracked up. It didn’t push any of his buttons I guess and I suppose I didn’t really believe it enough to pass on the energy to him. “Sir” lasted a little while longer but even that faded after a while. Maybe I should try it again.

About the 4th time I asked for permission to pee I got a glare and an only slightly peeved response something like “I don’t care”.... so, okay ... just a little dead end there.

But all of that was over a year ago. Maybe it’s time to try again?

So the other day I brought up the idea of punishment, you know, like “what if you asked me to do something and I didn’t will you punish me?” and “maybe when I do something you don’t like I need to be punished” and I got that look again, the only slightly peeved look with a response of “I do not want to punish you.”

Okay. Another little dead end not to mention that I just hate it when I am so wishy washy about asking for what I need. But why is it so hard for me to just tell him all of these things that I write about in here? Because it requires a level of emotional soul baring that is uncomfortable.

Maybe I should take my own advice, the advice I gave to kitten about sharing her secret fantasies with her Master.... be myself. Dress submissively, ask for permission to read, and begin at the beginning.

Will You Be My Dominant?

It occured to me that in the mind of a vanilla spouse or partner the prospect of being somebody's dominant might be a really scary idea even if they can get their mind around it. Just today i realized what a huge responsibility i placed squarely in the lap of my spouse who probably would have been just as happy not to have it in his lap at all. Imagine the feelings and thoughts when ideas such as these are presented.

"A lifestyle submissive usually feels unfulfilled or bereft when there is no positive, dominant presence in his or her life. Emotionally, the lifestyle submissive typically desires to be in a subservient position to a fundamentally benevolent authority who supervises and disciplines, punishes, and rewards. .....in this context the fact of control is a confirmation of love and commitment."

"To the lifestyle dominant, a consistent ability to control all areas of a consenting partner's life is intrinsic to his or her identity as a person of power and authority and is a source of self esteem. With this power comes responsibility, a responsibility that dominants find deeply fulfilling. Many actively work toward improving the quality of their submissives' lives and see themselves in the role of protector, parent, and teacher. They are the submissives' greatest ally and advocate."

From The Loving Dominant by Brame, Brame and Jacobs

i know this is an oversimplification of the control-sensitive relationship but earlier today i thought back over the course of the last few years. i remembered especially the first time i shared with a vanilla friend and a family member about my need to submit and what it entailed. You can imagine the deer caught in the headlights looks as i explained in near joy about this self understanding. Maybe it helps to remember that we need to wait for the other half to catch up.

There's Hope

Saturday. Chores-yuck.... but it does feel good to have the beds changed, paperwork filed away.... you know how it is.

"What a busy girl you've been this morning" Mr. said as he climbed the stairs and saw the laundry ready to be carried downstairs. That pushed my submissive buttons and i went on to describe just how busy a girl i'd been. "I've been a good girl getting all of this done" as i kissed him and he agreed and bent me over the soft pillows and comforter gathered on the foot of our bed.

His hard cock behind the buttons of his jeans rubbed across my ass and his hands pushed me further into the bedding. As he ground himself into me, his hands slid under the cups of my bra, teasing and his teeth found my neck. "i love being made useable to you" i murmered. "you do, huh... " i struggled.... bites hurt... and he wrapped a handfull of my hair through his fingers and pushed my face into the mattress and whispered "i think you need a little plug", pulled my pants down around my knees and walked to the side of the bed, leaving me exposed and waiting.

The big toobox opened and i watched as he found what he needed. "i don't think thongs have much use except for one thing" i said as he lubed the tip of the plug. "oh? what's that" "to hold the plugs in" ..... smiles... and i heard the floor creak as he walked back around me. How can 5 steps seem to take such a long time?! i felt fingers spreading me open, oh gawd, he's looking up my ass... then the cold wet lubed plug easing in. Heaven.

i thought he was done, i thought he'd have me pull up my pants and get on with the day. But he wasn't.

i heard the belt buckle rattle. The sound of the jeans opening. Am i going to get the belt across my ass..... i hope so, soooo hope so. But not today. Today is about me being used for his pleasure, and he took his by covering the small of my back with his cum.

He cleaned me up, pulled up my pants, and walked away.

He is my soul mate on many levels. I've known him for 37 years. He has an inventory of my baggage and loves me anyways. He knows of the deep need in me to be used, owned, objectified, hurt-in-love, made accountable, punished..... and doesn't really understand any of it. So when there are days like today when he has sought me out for his pleasure, the fire in me is quenched for a time. i am grateful. And i hold hope in that we might find and push his dominant buttons. Who knows, maybe someday he'll feel the need enough, or feel safe enough to express. If it's in him.

i accept

i'm not serving anyone right now, not in the traditional sense of a submissive/slave serving a Dominant and each party understanding the dynamics involved. (How funny to use the word traditional with slave and Dominant :).) It makes me so restless. When i am not being used my radar works overtime running in the background of every thing i do looking for the "fit", the "connection", some little "fix" to quench the needs. i don't even mean sexual, or sensual. Just the feeling of the "fit" if even for a moment.

i've been taught that acceptance is key, and i believe that it is. i accept that i made a choice for what i felt was a higher good for myself and my family when i walked away from a D/s relationship back into my vanilla life. i accept that in doing so i have been blessed and have brought family healing. i accept that i must be careful right now because i'm vulnerable and i accept that i will probably not be satisfied until i can serve in the deep and magnified manner of a slave/sub's service.

i feel as though the D/s relationship is a deeper and magnified version of vanilla relationships both in the sexual and non-sexual sense. Not talking about M/s or BDSM here, but in the purity of serving one another with O/our unique gifts. If we could all be just a little more attentive and a little more willing to go the extra mile, imagine what our world would be like. So, in the meantime, i will continue to find ways to serve within the greater good of family, friends, and profession because i do have something very lovely to give and good things always come back, don't they?

Getting Back to the Story

It's time i began writing again even though only a week has passed without an entry. Funny how journaling doesn't seem as important any more now that it isn't an expectation or an act of obediance. And this realization is another affirmation of the "pleasing sub" needing "pleasing work".... and i don't have pleasing work to do any longer. i'll make a note to come back to that thought after i get this story down.....

To continue and maybe finish this little retelling of a memory, when i was in Jr. High, my girl friends and i would sometimes get together for slumber parties. We had one favorite place to gather and that was at an old house and it was pretty large. It was dark with creaking floors and there were several rooms on the second floor that all connected one to the next.

i remember the games of capture, and of masters owning slaves, and of one person being in charge and directing the activities of the other girls.

i wonder why i can't remember more about it to retell (maybe too many years have passed) but i do know that i was always one who wanted to be chosen, to be owned, to be the slave, to be led around by a gruff girl. i wanted to be the very special one.

The parties were a bit sexually charged, and none of us had much idea about sexuality. Some of the girls called them mo parties... A fair amount of teenaged embarassment followed the memories for a while as though it was more important to just forget such things that seemed to us to be childish but were, in fact, very natural.

Point of this story? Submissive drive and yearning began long ago. That is so affirming to me.

Jr High Girls

A memory came back to me this week, something i haven't thought about in years. i wish i could remember more.

When i was in Jr. High, my friends and i would sometimes get together for slumber parties. We had one favorite place to gather. One of the girls lived in an old house and it was pretty large. It was dark with creaking floors and there were several rooms on the second floor that all connected one to the next.

i remember "games" we'd play. Role playing games. The games would involve

Floggings

He told me to be ready for him in a front closing bra, panties and a black robe. i chose the blue lace bra with the panties that match. i like how the cups hold my tits perfectly and how the nipples show thru the lace and are slightly mashed down even when trying to be totally erect. And i know how he loves my ass even better when framed by a thread of material up my crack.

Hung by my wrists from the rafters, blindfolded i felt the first strike of the flogger. Count! he said, so i counted each one until he stopped at 25. ?? no more? So i asked more please and he said more what? More flogging please. We'll start again at one, count..... 1, 2, 3 until 25. Tell me what it feels like, he says..... it it beginning to burn nicely, may i have more please? i asked for a vibe in my cunt (he could say no, but he might say yes) and i was rewarded. So starting with number 1, holding the vibe inside of me, we began again to 50 this time.

i felt the ball being placed in my mouth and the strap buckled behind my head. He said bend your body so your tits stick out... thaaat's it and then i felt the motion of something moving the air around my nipples. my nipples hardening and stretching towards him, wanting to come into contact with whatever it was moving the air. Groaning, drooling..... more please, more can i feel more please? and the sweet sting began and stopped.

He unfastened my hands from the hooks and brought them down behind my back and told me to sit and there was a wooden chair behind me. He clamped my cuffs together and tied them into the rungs of the chair. The rope started winding it's way around me, under tits, over tits, around tits, around legs holding them open ..... oh god i wanna show him pussy, show him where he can use me more than this little vibe is using me. i feel the chair getting wet and slimy with cunt and i can smell it. The beatings begin again, the nipples twisted and pulled. You want more? i nod and moan, more please. He parts my lips with two of his fingers. i wanted to come, but it wasn't time. Sooooooo close.

The buckle of his pants rattles open and zipper sounds follow. He pulled the gag from my mouth and fed me his cock. i want to take it all so i do and i want to nurse the head so i do.... sometimes he's fucking my mouth and sometimes he's just feeling my wetness and then i'm gagging and then sucking and then he moves away.....

.... he helped me kneel on the floor and then to all fours where the beating began again. One cheek, the other, together, thighs please, heavenly pussy feeling it and then something felt like liquid pain running down my ass. i wonder if he loved hearing my screams..... but i didn't move.

This wasn't Sir i was with last night during this scene, but was encouraged by Sir to do this scene..... and when i asked my partner tonight if he "felt" anything during this scene, any good feelings of power or of control, he said no. Any feelings of pleasure.... he said yes, he "came", but he doesn't experience it, nor feel it, not like i do. But he knows i like it, so he does it.

It is very pleasurable, this bdsm play. i'm lucky to be loved. But, there is little exchange of power going on, if any, and i wonder it i can carry this bdsm portion of the relationship by myself, and i do know that it is nowheres near a D/s relationship.

Need to Feel

http://aslavestruenature.blogspot.com/2008/01/pain-as-reality_263.html

Cold Toes

i've missed a couple of days..... mostly because i just came up short. Honestly did not know what to say and being sick this week didn't help bring up the sub/slave thoughts.

In dominants and submissives, we have an deep, ingrained sense of relating to our D/s opposites. Dominance and submissveness have been called archetypes which means they are just deep and unconcious characteristics that automatically act and react without our even knowing it... (just read about this so not even close to my own idea LOL)... sort of like a hero reacting to a damsel in distress, or a healer sensing illness and wanting to heal.

And the crossroads just means that i sense that change is ahead. i think part of it is that i am a bit restless following the holiday season... the cravings are building again .... and i just need to be careful and patient.

Toy Went Away

The first blog i began reading was of Richard and Amy, a newly forming submissive who had, within the past 9 months or so, moved in with Richard. Maybe the other way around.... but i loved reading of them. The second blog i began reading was Married Man's Fuck Toy. Her's was insight into an extreme M/s relationship. A few weeks ago i noticed that Toy's was gone and now i found out why....

From Toy
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…Anais Nin

Yes, I know; the blog is down. Yes, I know; the blog has been deleted. Thank you for your concern. I am okay.

Something happened very quietly that made me think about myself. Ibegan examining my own value system, my own happiness quotient, and my own needs. This was very, very hard.

But absolutely necessary. Being submissive does not mean that you don't have needs. I have never and will never be a weak or purposeless submissive. I found myself under DL. It was an incredible awakening to share this intense Owner/owned relationship with him. There is an incredible undeniable bond that forms after that first major beating… the first bloody caning… the first body modification or venture into terrifying territory…. the first time you go beyond where you'd thought you'd ever go…when they took a stand to take what was offered and that first time you realized the austere power that they held over you… when you find your purpose in submission… It's incredible and undeniable.

To say that it is life changing is not a stretch; it was. It is.

When love has limits, there is only so far a couple involved in an affair are going to go. There is a glass ceiling that can never be permeated and I have decided that it's not enough for me anymore. I want more; I want stability, growth, progression and I want to b eloved. Really loved. Not just sometimes loved; all the time loved.

I have chosen to walk away, freely, and before completely detaching, I must thank every single one of you out there that have identified, shared yourselves, and appreciated DL's toy. Thank you for sharing this amazing journey with us and know that you've all made a difference in my life with your encouragement & support.

I will write again.

The most submissive act is letting go.
I am letting go.
I have let go.
Strength begins and ends with the truths involved in facing our own fears."
.

Empty Mind

i have to admit that i just don't know what to write about today. So i've decided that maybe it's a good thing that i don't know what to write about. i think it's good because it's showing me that the sub-thoughts that can be so preoccupying can calm down.

Also, i've decided that i have a responsibility to myself and the one i wish to serve by keeping my mind directed to that purpose.

OK.... i don't think these two ideas are in opposition to one another. The sub-thoughts are quietly working away in the background of my mind and when the time comes to pull them out, i am sure the one i wish to serve will do just that.